Do you sometimes wonder if you’re losing your mind? Question your own memories? Do you doubt facts you once would have stated with pride? Or your own ability to judge character? Perhaps you feel as though your sanity is in question. The truth may be that your mind is perfectly intact. You may just be a victim of Gaslighting.
Let’s discuss the definition of gaslighting, examples of gaslighting behavior, how to recognize gaslighting, and how to break free.
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic that is used to deceive and control someone by making them doubt their own perception, memory, and sanity.
It is a form of psychological abuse that can have long-lasting effects on the victim’s mental and emotional well-being.
The term, gaslighting, originated from a play and subsequent movie called “Gas Light” in the late 1930s.
The story revolved around a husband who manipulated his wife into questioning her reality by dimming the gas lights in their house and then denying that anything had changed.
As a result, this form of emotional and psychological manipulation became known as gaslighting.
Gaslighting behavior can be subtle and hard to detect, making it difficult for victims to recognize and break free from it.
However, with the right knowledge and resources, it is possible to regain your independence and well-being.
Gaslighting may happen in relationships of any kind.
A romantic partner, sibling, spouse, friend or child can be the person inflicting gaslighting behavior, or the victim of such behavior.
Gaslighting may also occur in the workplace.
No one is immune.
Learn More About Gaslighting in RelationshipsWhat Does Gaslighting Look Like?
A relationship with a gaslighter often begins well, almost too good to be true.
They praise you, even “put you on a pedestal”.
They may engage in a behavior known as “love bombing” in an effort to woo you, and in effect, sweep you off your feet.
Soon, however, a gaslighter begins to behave in ways that cause you to doubt yourself.
They gain power in the relationship by keeping you off-balance and stoking your self-doubt.
The root cause can be a gaslighter’s need for approval or weak self-esteem.
Alternatively, they may wish to control their victims, or they may just get enjoyment from inflicting the abuse. Either fits with the definition of gaslighting.
Gaslighters also often have an intense desire to “be right”.
Even if it means telling lies or fabricating situations or evidence that make you wrong.
Gaslighters often bully their victims.
They call names and make unfounded accusations.
Their behavior escalates when you respond with bewilderment, doubt, or denial.
They may say things such as: “Don’t you remember doing that?” (Referring to something you didn’t do).
Or “I’ve told you this twice before” (even when they haven’t).
They may even take actions intended to confuse you, like hiding your keys.
Should you bring up their transgressions, they will deny wrong-doing, and imply or directly state that you must be imagining things.
Before too long, you lose confidence in your own mindset and memory, and may even begin to doubt your own sanity. This impact on a person is what truly illustrates the definition of gaslighting.
Definition of Gaslighting: Examples of Gaslighting Behavior
Gaslighting can take various forms, but there are some common characteristics that are the often present that can be considered the very definition of gaslighting:
- Denial and lying: The gaslighter consistently denies their actions, even when confronted with evidence. They may also fabricate stories to confuse the victim.
- Manipulation: Gaslighters use manipulation tactics to make the victim doubt their own thoughts, emotions, and reality. They may twist the truth or present alternative facts.
- Blaming: Gaslighters often shift the blame onto the victim, making them feel responsible for the gaslighter’s behavior or emotions.
- Isolation: Gaslighters isolate their victims from friends, family, and support networks, making them dependent on the gaslighter for validation and reality checks.
- Gradual escalation: Gaslighting typically starts with subtle tactics and gradually escalates over time, making it harder for the victim to recognize the manipulation.
Gaslighters Like to Mix It Up
A relationship with a gaslighter becomes even more complex because they may begin to intersperse periods of “good behavior” among their abuse.
Random compliments, encouragement, even kindness, keep you reeling from one end of the emotional spectrum to another.
Just as you’ve reached your wit’s end, and are ready to end the relationship, they miraculously transform into a loving, supportive partner, further undermining your confidence in your own thoughts and actions.
These behavior patterns and disruptions also fall in line with the definition of gaslighting.
Gaslighting, defined: How to Recognize It
Gaslighting can be difficult to recognize, especially for the victim who is being systematically manipulated.
However, there are some signs that can help confirm you are the victim of gaslighting:
- Do you constantly second-guess yourself?
- Perhaps you often feel confused or disoriented?
- Or do you have difficulty making decisions?
- Do you feel constantly on edge or anxious?
- Maybe you question your own memory and perception?
- Do you feel more and more isolated and dependent on your gaslighter?
Narcissism and Gaslighting
The full definition of gaslighting also includes demeaning humor, sarcasm, name calling, mean jokes, mocking and other forms of bullying.
The gaslighter may or may not overtly control you.
But they influence every move you make through their bullying behaviors.
Gaslighting may occur in a relationship with a narcissist, however narcissists tend to focus more on their own superiority; a gaslighter focuses more on gaining control over their victim.
Learn More About Narcissism in RelationshipsLong Term Effects of Gaslighting
As a victim of gaslighting, you may lose confidence in your own intelligence, memory, and sanity, for obvious reasons.
You may also feel diminished trust in relationships with others as well as in yourself.
You may suffer from isolation and loneliness, as the gaslighter’s control often leads to reduced and difficult interaction with family members and friends.
As you begin to doubt yourself more, the gaslighter plants doubts about whether you can trust others around you.
And as your world becomes smaller, the gaslighter becomes more powerful.
Learn More about GaslightingChallenging A Gaslighter
Overcoming gaslighting is no easy feat.
When a gaslighter is confronted about their behaviors, they will deny them.
Even when you have proof of their actions.
A gaslighter will often discredit hard evidence or witnesses to their advantage.
They are adept and convincing liars, so it’s often hard to know when this is a happening.
Sometimes a gaslighter will placate you by promising to change their behaviors.
And they may do so, for short periods of time, but long-term change is rare.
How to Break Free from Gaslighting
1. Recognize the Gaslighting Behavior
The first step in breaking free from a gaslighter is to identify and understand the behavior.
Gaslighters use various tactics like lying, withholding information, and using exaggerations or understatements to manipulate and control their victims.
They often try to make their victim feel powerless or guilty and undermine their confidence by making them doubt their reality.
Cultivating your own awareness will help you identify when you are being gaslit and give you the power to break free from their control.
2. Seek Support
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that creates isolation.
Victims may be afraid to speak out and their confidence and self-esteem may be severely impacted.
Seeking support from friends, family, or professionals can provide a safe space to share your experiences and validate your feelings.
Spend time with people who understand you and who you can rely on for emotional support.
3. Establish Boundaries
It is essential to establish boundaries in order to break free from a gaslighter.
As challenging as it may be, you need to define what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior and communicate assertively and firmly.
What may be even more difficult? Being prepared to enforce your boundaries if they are crossed.
This may involve reducing or cutting off contact with the gaslighter to create a safe distance and protect your well-being.
4. Focus on Self-Care
Prioritizing self-care is essential during the healing process.
Engage in activities that bring you joy, reduce stress, and promote self-care.
This could include exercise, yoga, or mindfulness practices, spending time in nature, or engaging in hobbies and interests that help you heal and rebuild your sense of self.
5. Trust Your Intuition and Reality
Gaslighters aim to erode your confidence and make you doubt your own perceptions.
Learn to trust your instincts and rely on your own judgment.
Remind yourself of your strengths, beliefs, and values, and actively challenge the gaslighter’s attempts to distort your reality.
Seek validation from trusted sources and avoid engaging with the gaslighter in debates.
6. Build Your Self-Esteem
Gaslighters aim to diminish your self-esteem and confidence.
Rebuild your sense of self-worth and self-esteem by surrounding yourself with positive influences and engaging in activities that boost your self-esteem.
Recognize your strengths, accomplishments and the qualities that make you unique and worthwhile.
7. Seek Professional Help
Consider seeking therapy or counseling to help you navigate the healing process.
A trained and trusted professional can provide guidance, support, and practical tools to address the psychological effects of gaslighting and provide healthy coping strategies.
Breaking free from a gaslighter requires time, patience, and self-compassion.
With the right mindset and resources, it is possible to regain your independence, well-being, and reclaim your life.
Be patient and kind to yourself as you embark on your journey to healing and reclaiming your independence.
Ending a Relationship with a Gaslighter
Unfortunately, often the only effective remedy for gaslighting is to leave the relationship.
This will be difficult, since the gaslighter has created a dynamic where you feel out of control of your own life.
If you do choose to end the relationship, keep the following in mind:
- It’s important to shore up your support systems and restore your strength before you act.
- It can help to keep a journal and record evidence to back up happenings in your life. When you doubt yourself, refer to your notes for corroboration and validation.
- Do what you can to schedule time alone, and also with close friends you trust.
- Re-ignite your passions, personal interests, friendships, and relationships with family members.
- Seek professional therapy or join a support group for people in controlling relationships.
- Above all else, be kind and gentle with your self as you recover your strength.
The Definition of Gaslighting: How to Recognize the Symptoms
Gaslighting is a form of emotional psychological abuse that can leave lasting scars on its victims.
By understanding the characteristics of gaslighting and recognizing the signs, you can take steps to protect yourself and regain your sense of self.
Trusting your instincts, seeking support, and setting clear boundaries are essential in overcoming gaslighting and rebuilding a healthier and more empowered life.
If you know someone who is suffering in a controlling relationship, offer them unconditional support and love.
Recognize that they may not understand what is happening and may feel trapped and helpless.
Suggest they seek professional counseling at one of many organizations devoted to helping people in these situations.
Groups in your area can be found by Googling “Support Group for People in Controlling Relationships Near Me”.
If you think you may be experiencing gaslighting, you may also find this post helpful: Dark Psychology: What You Need to Know.
Thank you as always for reading.
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Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a health care executive and 15 years (and counting) as a consultant. The common thread through Joan’s professional life has been a commitment to lead, mentor and coach current and future leaders, and women from all walks of life. KindCompassCoach provides information and advice grounded in Joan’s personal experience; however, all articles are backed by research and provide facts and advice from a wide variety of experts. Joan also serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.
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