Are you in a relationship where your needs rarely come first? Does your partner (or friend or parent) have difficulty empathizing with you or others? Do you know someone who seems to have an over-inflated sense of their own experiences or opinions? If so, it may be time for you to learn more about how to spot a narcissist, and this post is for you.

What is Narcissism?

Narcissism is a personality trait characterized by an excessive sense of self-importance, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy towards others.

Those with narcissistic tendencies often display an inflated sense of their own abilities and achievements while disregarding the feelings and needs of those around them.

It is important to note that not all individuals with narcissistic traits have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which is a diagnosable mental health condition.

NPD involves a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that significantly impairs a person’s functioning in various aspects of life.

Learn More About Narcissism

History of Narcissism

Narcissism has been around for a very long time. In fact, the term “narcissist” comes from the Greek myth about Narcissus, who fell in love with the reflection of his own image. 

It’s actually more precise to say that narcissists are in love with their ideal image of themselves.

They see this image as reality, although this is far from an accurate depiction of themselves. 

Two Kinds of Narcissists

There are two kinds of narcissists. The first is prone to grandiose displays of superiority; the second tends to be introverted and even vulnerable. But there are many characteristics that both types of narcissists share. 

The impact of being in a long-term relationship with either type of narcissist can be equally debilitating, frightening and even, in some cases, deadly.

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How Narcissism Works

Narcissists have an innate ability to slowly and inextricably take control of your life.

They monopolize your attention and relationships, and first subtly and then ultimately, brazenly, nurture your own self-doubt.

Over time, narcissists develop the ability to “flip your switch” from happy and confident to anxious and self-doubting in an instant. 

They do this through a behavior known as “coercive persuasion.”

This is a form of mind-control, which ultimately results in intense stress and anxiety for the partners of narcissists as well as other family members. 

It’s not clear that narcissists realize what they are doing as they do it.

But there is no doubt they become very adept at the practice.

And their actions can and will have long term impacts on their partners as well as their children.

Learn More About Narcissism and Children

How Narcissists View the World

The thing about narcissists is that they do not view other people as individuals.

In fact, they tend to view other people as extensions of themselves.

They tend to be attracted to talented, confident and intelligent people. 

And over time, they are able to break even these innately strong individuals through their insipid behaviors.

They begin by controlling your life.

But beyond influencing your activities, they ultimately impact your actual physical and mental health, your self-esteem, and even your brain function. 

They’re capable of convincing you of anything.  One tactic narcissists use, known as gaslighting, can even get you to doubt your own memories.

It’s important never to underestimate the impact living with narcissism can have on your life.

Learn More About Gaslighting

How to Spot a Narcissist: Lack of Empathy

In almost all cases, narcissists lack empathy for others, tend to be a “bad sport” and require constant affirmation of their strengths.

In their eyes, they see themselves as perfect and no one else as worthy.

Their conceit and arrogance are evident as they continue to put their own needs ahead of others.

They do not listen; they merely await their own opportunity to speak.

Narcissism in Relationships 

In the beginning of a relationships, narcissists can appear to be “too good to be true”. They can be thoughtful, attentive, and generous.

But soon, these behaviors begin to be offset by periods of irrational, disproportionate anger, and aggression. 

They begin to blame you for misfortunes they experience.

Verbal abuse starts or increases in frequency.

Soon, they begin to physically isolate you from others.

This happens because they begin to struggle to hold up the facade of the giving, generous, kind, partner.

Eventually, keeping you physically isolated is not enough, and they begin to attack your own beliefs in yourself – which can leave your self-esteem and confidence shattered.

Narcissists As People

Narcissists can be dishonest, untrustworthy, and unfaithful.

They see themselves as victims and see their actions as justified because they believe that they have been wronged.

Their standards of behavior for themselves differ significantly from their expectations of others. In fact, they believe they are never at fault, and have an intense desire to always be right.

Narcissism is becoming increasingly common.  

It’s believed that 75% of narcissists are men. So there are many people out there, predominantly women, who feel isolated, frightened and betrayed.

And as noted above, being in a relationship with a narcissist can even turn deadly.

Some simply cannot withstand the strain of the relationship and the intense self-doubt it brings with it.

Those in relationships where narcissism is prevalent can feel especially alone.

Often even their own families have been duped by the narcissist.  To them, he is a loving, supportive partner.  He can come across as charismatic and can be the life of the party when he chooses to behave that way.

But at home, alone with his partner, it’s a different story.

In fact, it is likely he will bad-mouth the very people he was charming as soon as he leaves the room. He sees everyone else as inferior or flawed in some way or another.

You Cannot Change a Narcissist

Narcissism is now considered a personality and mental disorder. 

It’s not something you can attempt to alter in another person; it’s a mental condition.

The only hope is for the narcissist himself to see that his behaviors and relationships are not as they should be.

And for him to seek treatment and care to manage his symptoms.

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, know that you are not alone – there are many others who can understand what you are going through. Seek out support. 

End the relationship if you can – but be prepared for it to be very difficult.

Narcissists are master manipulators and will use anything to attempt to keep you in their lives.

You will need a strong support system and that can be especially difficult to build when much of your life is spent in isolation.

Coping With Narcissism

If you’re unable to leave the relationship, find other ways to cope.

Develop a hobby, find a narcissism on-line or in-person support group, claim time as your own. 

Do what you must to either restore or preserve your own sense of self. When you begin to doubt yourself, ask yourself – what evidence (other than the words of the narcissist) is there to support this belief?

Reclaim your own talents, power, and worth.  

In closing, this is one situation where the words “we are all so much more than enough” are especially poignant.

Living with narcissism can be extremely isolating, challenging, and sad.

Let’s repeat: we are all so much more than enough. We are all worthy of kindness and love.  Those who attempt to undermine our belief in ourselves deserve love, too, but not at the expense of those who care for them.  We must care for ourselves first.

How to Spot a Narcissist: Other Conditions Related to Narcissism

Other conditions closely related to narcissism include Machiavellianism and Psychopathy. To learn more check out Dark Psychology: What We All Need to Know.

If you found this post helpful, please also read: Have You Experienced Trauma?

To learn more about narcissism, check out:

Thank you as always for reading.

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