Most would agree that lying is an undesirable behavior. And a habit we would criticize in others. Yet most of us do it every day, whether we realize it or not. Understanding why we lie is interesting and important to our personal insight into ourselves and those we care about.
Understanding Why We Lie
One research study found that 60 percent of people lied at least once during a routine 10-minute conversation. Many did not realize they did so until they heard the recorded discussion at a later time. It’s been proven we all lie often. But why do we do it?
Think about it. When was the last time you may have inadvertently told a white lie like one of these:
1. “I might lose you because I have a bad cell signal”.
2. “I’m so sorry, but I already have plans for that day/night/weekend.”
3. “Really, I’m fine.” (Enough said on this one, right?)
4. “Just kidding.” (When you’re really not).
5. “It’s no problem.”
6. Agreeing when a website says, “I have read the terms and conditions….” (LOL)
Feeling a little less high and mighty about how seldom we all tell lies?
It’s okay. There’s a big difference between telling a small lie for a good reason and telling a big lie with malicious intent.
Nevertheless – reading these findings about lying and why we lie made me realize just how prevalent lying is.
And my next thought was, what truly drives us to misrepresent the truth so often?
So, let’s dig into the facts and try to understand why we lie a little better.
Why We Lie: Lying Begins When We Are Children
Children send false messages through their behavior as early as six months of age.
No kidding!
Six-month-old babies are too young to talk, however, they are old enough to know how to manipulate others through their actions.
For example, they learn that crying, even when they have no actual complaint, will get them attention. And so, the practice of deception begins.
Children as young as 2 years old begin to tell actual lies.
They do this for two primary reasons.
The first is to get something they want.
A child may say they have not had a cookie to increase the likelihood of getting another one.
Other Reasons Why We Lie
The other main reason young children lie is to avoid blame or punishment.
Or to maintain their own image as a well-behaved child in the eyes of those they care about.
In their young minds, telling a lie (“I didn’t break the toy”) is preferred to owning up to doing something wrong because of the potential consequences.
These examples sound pretty harmless.
But telling these “White lies” early in life teaches us that the behavior of lying can help us avoid blame, embarrassment and/or accountability.
We also learn that lying can be a potential short cut to reward.
Especially if we don’t get caught.
The more often we do it, the more skilled we become at telling lies. We also become much more astute about predicting lies that others will believe.
When Adults Lie
As we age, the reasons we lie become more varied and complex. Often, when people lie it is an attempt to “save face”, a very short-term strategy.
Because in the long run, taking the risk of being viewed as dishonest is much greater.
Nevertheless, we seem to be almost compelled to tell lies to cover ourselves and to protect ourselves from shame or blame.
There are some reasons we avoid the truth that seem, on the face of it, to be more justifiable. For example, we may not say something negative, even though it’s what we’re thinking, to spare someone else’s feelings.
Or when we don’t want to be perceived as rude or even cruel by stating our honest opinions about an issue. The thing is, telling lies such as these perpetuates the habit.
In many cases, the larger the number of small untruths we tell, the easier it becomes for us to tell a whopper.
And that’s not good.
Why Adults Lie
There are many different reasons we lie. In all, I found over 50 potential drivers for this behavior. Here are a few that I found particularly compelling.
- We may lie to avoid disappointing someone.
- To get attention.
- In order to avoid revealing weakness.
- To avoid embarrassment or humiliation.
- We may tell lies out of habit.
- To impress someone else.
- We may lie when we are actually in denial (this is known as “subconscious lying” and it’s open to discussion as to whether these types of lies should truly be considered lies).
- To harm someone else.
- We may lie because we feel inferior, fear rejection, or to preserve feelings of superiority.
- In order to gain the sympathy of others.
- To avoid an uncomfortable discussion or conflict.
- To hide from the truth or to avoid accountability. As in addiction.
- In order to save or sabotage a relationship. (This sounds odd, but it’s true!).
How to Know When Someone is Lying
Many times, when we lie, it’s visible on our face. Because when we lie, we may inadvertently display two different facial expressions.
The first is the emotion we wish to convey. The second is the one we genuinely feel.
Scientists describe this as a display of a “micro expression“. According to the research these micro expressions are actually the best way to tell if someone is lying.
Other clues that someone may be lying?
If someone hides their eyes and/or mouth, it may mean literally mean they are “trying to cover something up.”
Coughing or swallowing before answering a question can also be a clue. As can other distracting behaviors such adjusting eyeglasses, jewelry, or a scarf or tie.
Animals Also Engage in Deception
Humans may be the only species who actually tell lies, but other species engage actively in deception. And when they have the skills to communicate with humans, they demonstrate it.
One study described Koko, a gorilla trained in sign language, who ripped a sink out of a wall in a training facility.
When the scientists asked him what happened to the sink, he signed back to them, pointing to the cat who shared his space. Incredible!
Another example involved dolphins trained to locate munitions under water. When training, the dolphins get rewarded for finding potential areas of risk.
Soon enough, they learn to “pretend” they’ve found something, just to get the reward. (The military learned that they have to intermittently reward the dolphins to overcome their tendency to report “false positives”).
So, we’re not alone in our weakness.
Why We Lie and How Truth Can Set Us Free
It seems obvious – avoiding lies is the way to go. But with strong biological and behavioral drivers, it can take a conscious effort to do so. The reasons why it’s worth it?
Reconnecting with the truth 24/7 reduces stress and anxiety, and also provides us the only real opportunity to behave authentically.
Perhaps the most dangerous lies are the lies we tell ourselves. Without saying a word.
A significant first step in trying to rein in our tendency to misrepresent the truth can be to focus on our own false narratives and thought processes.
Are there stories you have told yourself for years that may not be 100% accurate?
Perhaps you have blamed another for wrongdoing to avoid responsibility.
Or not owned up to being untruthful with someone you love.
Let’s work together to make our lives safe places where we can tell the truth without fear of punishment.
Because the truth will definitely set us free.
If you enjoyed this post, you would love this one: What Lie Is Holding You Back?
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Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a health care executive and 15 years (and counting) as a consultant. The common thread through Joan’s professional life has been a commitment to lead, mentor and coach current and future leaders, and women from all walks of life. KindCompassCoach provides information and advice grounded in Joan’s personal experience; however, all articles are backed by research and provide facts and advice from a wide variety of experts. Joan also serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.
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