Loneliness has little to do with how much time we spend alone. And it can’t be eradicated by just spending time with others. In fact, we can be among a crowd of family and friends and feel lonelier than when we are alone. Loneliness may present as almost a craving, a need for companionship, intimacy, or support. Sometimes it’s challenging to differentiate loneliness from other feelings, such as depression, grief or anxiety. And we each experience loneliness in different ways. For some of us, when we feel lonely, it’s because we want to be understood and supported. For others, we may feel isolated and desire more social interaction.

Or we may have plenty of interaction but feel an emptiness that reflects a lack of intimacy in our lives.

Sometimes when we’re lonely, we may feel as though we have no one to confide in or to share good news with. Our loneliness may also feel like a sense of ‘un-belonging’.

This can happen when we feel as though we’ve been intentionally left out, isolated or excluded from a social group or even our own family.

We are often cognizant of the feelings associated with loneliness.

But there are physical and behavioral symptoms of loneliness, too.

These are often not recognized, and may be even more critical to identify, understand and address.

Symptoms of Loneliness

“I used to think the worst thing in life is to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.” ― Robin Williams

When we are lonely, we may have low energy. It may be difficult to focus and concentrate. Loneliness can cause insomnia, loss of appetite, body aches and anxiety, too.

Loneliness also manifests in our behaviors.

We may form bad habits, including addictions.

In fact, increased alcohol or substance abuse or other addictive behaviors can all be signs of loneliness.

Fortunately, there are treatments for all ages, and that includes adolescent residential treatment for young adults. 

A Surprising Symptom of Loneliness

One symptom of loneliness surprised me.

Did you know that when we are lonely, we crave things that help us feel warm?

This can mean we feel a yearning for warm beverages, cozy pajamas, hot showers and baths.

Have you been craving this type of comfort lately?

Loneliness may be the reason why.

What May Trigger Feelings of Loneliness?

Temporary feelings of loneliness can arise due to life events. When we relocate to a new place, or even just work from home for an extended time. Changing jobs or careers can bring on feelings of isolation, too, especially if we miss friends we used to bond with in the workplace.

Or if we’re struggling to get comfortable in a new role that feels unfamiliar or risky.

Other life events that may cause loneliness include going to college, enlisting in the military, or living alone for the first time. These can all be major adjustments, especially if we are used to being surrounded by family or friends.

Of course, losing a loved one, close friend, or beloved pet can also trigger acute episodes of loneliness.

Mental or physical challenges can also make us feel lonely. This may be in part because when we feel weak, ill or are temporarily disabled, it can be challenging to visit friends and other members of our support system.

The Most Common Cause of Chronic Loneliness

All of the situations described can trigger acute episodes of loneliness. But research shows that chronic loneliness is typically not a direct result of one event.

Our own thoughts are the single most frequent reason temporary loneliness evolves into a chronic condition.

Cycles of thought that compound negative emotions are known as “maladaptive thinking”.

Though difficult to tackle, maladaptive thinking can be cured.

More on this in a moment.

Why We Must Try to Overcome Loneliness

Chronic loneliness is emotionally painful. That, in and of itself, is a good reason to conquer it. But there are other potentially dire side-effects of loneliness.

In fact, chronic loneliness can result in new physical, emotional, and mental ailments.

It can also exacerbate health issues we already have. So beyond making us feel better, attending to our own loneliness may literally save our lives.

Here are a few more examples why we shouldn’t ignore loneliness:

• Chronic loneliness can alter brain function, which can result in progression of dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.
• It can also inhibit memory and learning.
• Feeling lonely can cause antisocial behavior and stress which in turn can exacerbate our loneliness.
• Lonely people are also less likely to eat well and exercise; poor nutrition and a sedentary life can contribute to many other downstream health impacts including poor cardiovascular health, premature aging, sleep disruption, and fatigue.

Identifying The Cause of Your Loneliness

It’s important to understand what is causing loneliness to identify the best potential remedy.

If you feel lonely, but aren’t sure why, therapy may help you find answers.

And finding these answers is essential: understanding the root cause is the first step to recovery, and ultimately relief.

It’s also important to seek professional support if being lonely is causing you difficulty at work or with personal relationships.

Also, if you believe you may be depressed, or if your symptoms continue to worsen for a long period of time.

If any of these things ring true to you, please consult a professional counselor or therapist.

Maladaptive Thinking

The longer we are lonely, the more sensitive we become to negativity around us. And the more likely we are to interpret ambiguous situations as having negative implications.

This is known as maladaptive thinking.

The result of it is that our negative thoughts are reinforced and worsen over time.

What does this really mean? Let’s say we encounter a person in the hallway who does not smile at us.

When lonely, we are more likely to believe that unsmiling person doesn’t like us.

Someone who is not lonely is more likely to assume that the person in the hallway is merely preoccupied or is simply an unfriendly person.

Similarly, a person who doesn’t suffer from maladaptive thinking is more likely to believe an unreturned phone call is simply an oversight.

A person experiencing maladaptive thinking is more likely to believe that someone did not call them back on purpose.

How To Address Maladaptive Thinking

This cycle of maladaptive thinking can be broken, and feelings of loneliness may be diminished, if one finds a way to short circuit the pattern.

The first step is to become more aware of ambiguous situations.

The second is to challenge our reactions to those situations as they are happening. Scientists refer to these reactions as “testable hypotheses”.

Here’s how disrupting this type of thought pattern works.

When we encounter that unsmiling person and our first thought is: “this person must not like me”, we train ourselves to test that hypothesis.

To consciously ask ourselves:

• What other explanations could there be for this behavior?
• What other evidence do I have that this person doesn’t like me?
• Is there more evidence to support other possibilities?

By training ourselves to question our reactions, we break the pattern of negative reinforcement that can compound loneliness or other negative emotions.

In fact, with practice, we can begin to reverse the consequences of our previous thought patterns, by becoming more cognizant of the wider world of possible explanations for other’s behaviors.

Practical Tips to Counter Loneliness

Science has proven that the most effective strategy to resolve chronic loneliness is to address maladaptive thinking patterns as described above.

However, there are also many practical solutions to help relieve temporary feelings of loneliness.

If you are feeling melancholy or isolated, it can help to fall back on some of these tried and true strategies:

• Reach out to a family member who you trust, just to say hello. They will be happy you did and that can provide an instant boost.
• Give something away. Being generous, and seeing others benefit from your generosity is also a way to infuse positive energy into your day,
• Volunteer for a cause that means something to you. The act of volunteering will create positive energy, and you may meet people who share your passions. Companionship with others you relate to can be reassuring.
• Find time to teach others. It can be anything from coaching to mentoring to formal classwork. When we pay it forward, we feel good.
• Indulge in a little self-love. Be kind to yourself, discover your own strengths and gifts, embrace them and put them to good use.
• Do something new. Curiosity is a natural human emotion that can distract us from negative feelings. Exposing ourselves to new things helps broaden our perspective and make us more interesting and interested in the world around us.
• Get outside. Just look at the world around us and appreciate its beauty. Talk about something bigger than ourselves.
• Tap into your happy memory banks. Think about times when you felt proud of yourself or someone you love.
• Try to find an exercise that you enjoy. That doesn’t feel like a chore. Something that makes you smile when you do it. Dance. Yoga. Dog-walking. Anything will do. The more you move, the less chance there is that negativity will take root and fester.

Please leave a comment, and let us all know your thoughts. And if your feelings of loneliness are creating challenges in your life, please seek out professional counseling or therapy.

The world needs you and we all need each other!

Thank you, as always, for reading.