It is not unusual to feel pressure to be grateful. We know others have more serious problems and challenges; we know there are parts of the world where our standard of living would be considered truly exceptional, even with whatever shortcomings we experience day to day. We should be thankful and remember always that we are blessed. The problem? This pressure to be thankful doesn’t instill gratitude in our hearts. It instills guilt instead. Guilty gratitude is no substitute for the real thing.
Guilty Gratitude
Why do we torment ourselves with such judgment?
Because we don’t want to appear ungrateful or greedy. We want to be the ‘best people’ we can be, and in our own arrogance, we’ve decided being the best person we can be is being somehow different from the way we were made.
Because we worry what others will think of us.
Or because somehow, we don’t feel worthy – of the desire to want more, be more, do more, have more – when what we have should be more than “enough”.
We should be satisfied. Content. Grateful.
Unfortunately, this deep-rooted habitual thinking of ours is a recipe for unhappiness.
When we pretend to be grateful, or happy, or positive, or supportive, it may work temporarily to alleviate our negative emotions.
But it surely doesn’t work out well in the long run.
Not only are we suppressing our true feelings, but we’re also projecting an inauthentic version of ourselves to others. Guilty gratitude isn’t real.
This isn’t good for us, and pretty much guarantees that we won’t have healthy intimate relationships.
This lack of intimacy creates even more yearning and emptiness, and then we feel guilty about it, and the cycle continues and intensifies.
Are you ‘Guilty’?
Chances are, if the intro above got your head nodding, you know what I’m talking about when I describe guilty gratitude.
If you are still unsure whether you suffer from this affliction, here’s another clue: your internal voice uses the word “should”. A LOT.
It’s a beautiful day and nothing would feel better than to relax on the deck, or in the park, and do nothing.
But you SHOULD run some errands.
Or buy a gift for someone. Or make a phone call you don’t want to make.
Why do we do this? Because we’re hung up on proving that we’re worthy of that time in the sun, doing nothing.
Here’s the thing. We’re all worthy of it – already.
No matter what our past, our mistakes, our faults, or our weaknesses.
We are beautiful creatures intended to thrive.
No one is happier because we deprive ourselves, most especially us.
When Does Guilty Gratitude Arise?
Your best friend just announced that she’s retiring early.
A colleague just bought a boat, and the joy she experiences with her newfound hobby shows on her face during every Teams meeting.
An old college friend has published her first novel, something you’ve always dreamed about, but never had the courage to act on.
Perhaps it’s a close friend who is pregnant, and you are struggling to conceive.
Or someone in your neighborhood who is renovating her kitchen – a project you simply can’t afford to tackle, even though your home needs the renovation badly.
We’re surrounded by situations that make us jealous or envious.
And we scold ourselves, self-flagellate, express our disappointment in ourselves in no uncertain terms.
We bully ourselves with unkind words. Call ourselves names.
I SHOULD be grateful for what I have.
I’m healthy, I have a roof over my head, food on the table. But it just doesn’t work.
Because bullying ourselves doesn’t make us grateful – it makes us feel guilty.
How to Deal with Guilty Gratitude
It’s not healthy to dwell on feelings of jealousy or envy.
But it’s VERY okay to acknowledge when we feel these things.
To validate our own feelings.
To be kind to ourselves and to not feel shame because we’re not angelic or perfect in our every thought and deed.
It’s okay (and very human) to feel a twinge of jealousy when someone else has more than we do.
This is how dreams begin.
These are opportunities to challenge ourselves. To ask ourselves:
- What dream do I want to work toward today?
- What achievement do I wish to accomplish?
- Which steps can I take to bring myself closer to my vision of my best self and life?
- Today, tomorrow, next week?
- Who would support me on my journey?
- What’s my next move and how soon can I make it?
Gratitude Is a Good Feeling
Gratitude – true, sincere, gratitude – is a warm feeling of peace.
It envelops us with comfort and equanimity.
We feel content and generous and kind and truly blessed.
There are many opportunities for us to reflect on the goodness in our lives and to show our appreciation for what we have, the people we love, the relationships that keep us sane and emotionally nourished.
“Guilty Gratitude” is no substitute.
Let Guilty Gratitude Go
So, if you’re feeling a bit of the twinge, and your inner voice is telling you:
- “I should be more grateful”.
- “I shouldn’t want more”.
- “I should be happy for her.”
STOP.
Allow those true negative emotions to happen. Let them run their course.
Observe them. Ask:
- “Where is this coming from?”
- “Is it because I regret the choices I have made in the past?”
- “Or because I have obligations that weigh me down?”
- “Do I feel like less of a person, because someone else has more than me?”
Let’s try to figure it out and then ask ourselves:
- What do I need to do to accept my current state?
- How can I let go of past mistakes?
- What would it take for me to move forward with positive energy?
- How can I make the best of my situation and make progress toward other things I want in life?
Because it’s okay to want more. It really is.
We were all made with endless capacity for love, happiness, kindness, and yes, gratitude, too.
Let’s allow ourselves to experience our entire range of emotions fully, especially the ones we don’t like to see in ourselves.
So that we can move beyond them to the peace and beauty of an authentic life.
Need to read more on this topic? Check out Why We Must Stop Feeling Guilty.
Thank you as always for reading.
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Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a health care executive and 15 years (and counting) as a consultant. The common thread through Joan’s professional life has been a commitment to lead, mentor and coach current and future leaders, and women from all walks of life. KindCompassCoach provides information and advice grounded in Joan’s personal experience; however, all articles are backed by research and provide facts and advice from a wide variety of experts. Joan also serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.
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