For years, I thought happy people smiled often and were generally joyful. I also thought of them as being imbued with a sense of serenity and calm. Recently, I’ve come to realize that the graceful, steady state of being I’ve aspired to is not happiness at all. It is more aptly described by a different term: equanimity.
So, happiness isn’t the frame of mind I’m actually hoping to attain.
And I’d guess some of you may be after the same thing. We seek something more than happiness, something more elusive, more resilient.
Something with some staying power.
Happiness can be fleeting. We may enjoy a good laugh, a fun outing, a decadent meal, or an exotic vacation – and be happy in those moments.
However, as we all know, the valleys in between the high points can be quite difficult, or just plain uneventful, and certainly don’t always bring a smile.
That’s why being happy just doesn’t cut it.
We need something truer, deeper, steadier. Something closer to peace.
This is where equanimity comes in.
So, the key to contentment lies not in attaining happiness.
Rather, we must strive to find and maintain a positive state of mind, calm, and certainty.
A state of grace, if you will, that is unshakeable, no matter what is happening in our lives. Especially during challenging times. That is equanimity.
8 Lessons About Equanimity
Achieving the blissful state of equanimity is a noble goal.
However, many of us are ill equipped to pursue it.
I’ve collected some guidance and words of wisdom to help me understand equanimity better, and to hopefully help us all move further along the spectrum of well-being to that quiet, peaceful, serene, steady state of mind.
1. Equanimity is not indifference.
Because of the words we use to describe it, it’s easy to confuse a mindset infused with equanimity with an attitude of indifference.
Until we experience equanimity in its fullest sense, the absence of extreme highs and lows may sound bland and unemotional.
But nothing could be further from the truth.
Equanimity brings us steadiness and tolerance, not apathy.
We are less likely to be distracted by mood swings and fleeting distractions.
Nevertheless, we feel love, peace, as well as full range of other emotions more authentically, more clearly.
It takes practice to tap into this mindset that is steady and deep at the same time.
This is one of the reasons why equanimity is a state of mind that many of us aspire to but find difficult to achieve.
2. Equanimity includes being open to all emotions.
It is easy to believe that a state of equanimity involves experiencing nothing but “positive” emotions.
Again, the opposite is more accurate.
Achieving a state of equanimity means that we allow ourselves to be open to experiencing an entire range of emotions.
Those who achieve equanimity are much more accepting of emotions that present to them.
They spend less time in denial or avoidance.
If something bad happens, they experience sadness, and process that sadness, while at the same time, maintaining a steady and serene mindset.
This does not mean the sadness they feel is less intense or difficult than that experienced by others; if anything, it means that the emotion is experienced more fully, and more thoroughly.
3. Equanimity includes engagement.
When we envision a person imbued with equanimity, it may give rise to mental images of quiet, introverted, people.
Equanimity actually includes a significant component of engagement.
Beyond achieving an inner sense of peace, those who experience equanimity also typically are great sources of comfort to those around them.
They do not isolate themselves from society or the world. They are out there, sharing their love and kindness.
4. Equanimity requires a realistic sense of what we control.
Achieving a state of equanimity requires us to get clear on what we control, and what is outside of our own influence.
It also includes a component of bravery – because understanding what we control is not enough.
We also have to be courageous enough to do what is necessary and right about the things we can influence. The sentiment of the Serenity Prayer says it all.
5. Knowing our core values can help us achieve equanimity.
Identifying our truest, most non-negotiable principles can help us reduce the ambivalence and vacillation we feel in our lives.
I think about those inner most, unshakeable convictions we have as being our “solid center”.
A place of strength where we can focus our thinking and energy as we encounter a situation that raises questions for us, ethical or otherwise.
Gradually growing that solid center over the course of our lives enables us to know our true selves and be closer to finding peace with what is happening around us, regardless of the circumstances.
6. We must be real in our quest.
Achieving equanimity is an astounding accomplishment, if we can do it.
But we have to be real about the degree of difficulty we may encounter on the journey, and also on the potential for regression or relapse.
The more episodes of equanimity we are able to genuinely experience, the more resilient we become.
As we encounter those inevitable setbacks along the way, we also become more adept at more readily rebounding to a place of steadiness.
7. Starting small can help.
We’re all starting from a different place in our journey towards equanimity.
Some of may be starting off with an incredibly volatile mindset or we may struggle with anxiety, anger management, or other challenges that make the goal of equanimity especially difficult for us to achieve.
Everyone’s areas of challenge will be different, varied, more or less frequent, and more or less intense.
One thing that is universal? It’s easier to start small.
Try to begin to cultivate an attitude and aura of acceptance around more minor things.
Will yourself to roll with an unexpected rain shower, an unanticipated flat tire, the absence of a kind word or praise from someone we care about.
Each instance of equanimity will help us be stronger, braver, steadier.
8. Mindfulness can help us.
As with many strategies to achieve calm and maintain a steady state of mind, a mindfulness practice can help.
Being mindful helps us to grow our ability to concentrate and tune into components of the stimuli that we are so often bombarded with.
Sorting through the competing messages and distractions enables us to better analyze situations and find the root cause or message or principles within complex ideas.
Being able to do this helps to buoy our own sense of calm, no matter how intense the storm.
Are you on a journey towards equanimity? What has helped you make progress? Please share your thoughts in the comments and good luck and happiness to you all.
Thank you as always for reading.
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Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a health care executive and 15 years (and counting) as a consultant. The common thread through Joan’s professional life has been a commitment to lead, mentor and coach current and future leaders, and women from all walks of life. KindCompassCoach provides information and advice grounded in Joan’s personal experience; however, all articles are backed by research and provide facts and advice from a wide variety of experts. Joan also serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.
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