“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” Are you old enough to remember hearing this chant as a child? Oh, how wrong we were. The power of words is intense. And verbal abuse is so common, we may even not realize when it is happening to us, or someone we know or love.
Many of us have not only been hurt, but severely handicapped, as a result of words, although emotional and/or verbal abuse can be difficult to prove as its wounds are often invisible.
How Verbal Abuse Impacts Us
And a side effect of long-term verbal abuse is often that the victim begins to doubt her own mind. She begins to believe the words of the abuser.
Perhaps she IS unreasonable, demanding, and selfish. Perhaps she should know how good she has it. Maybe she is ugly, stupid, selfish, mean or useless.
Many physical wounds ultimately heal, but they may leave physical evidence in their wake. A scar. A fracture. Or some other proof of the crime besides psychological pain, so difficult to measure or quantify.
Emotional and verbal abuse leaves no such evidence though the maiming it causes can be as severe – or worse.
If we have suffered from this type of mistreatment, we are no less a victim.
We Are No Less a Victim
We deserve better.
We’re worthy of love.
Yet it is hard for many of us to acknowledge. In part, because by acknowledging that a relationship does not serve us, we also acknowledge that we have not served ourselves well. For too long.
If we are entrenched in a relationship riddled with verbal abuse, we may feel as though we have failed.
We wanted someone to love us, or be our friend, so much.
But they couldn’t or didn’t.
And in this there is heartbreak.
Our heartbreak may heal. Our sadness may diminish. But only if we surround ourselves with support and remove ourselves from the environment exacerbating it.
It’s hard to do this and it becomes more difficult the longer the verbal abuse continues.
At times, in these situations, we may even believe we have lost our own minds. Relentless abuse begins to penetrate our own thought patterns, our sense of self and worth.
It begins to undermine our own resilience, and each time we suffer, our ability to rebound becomes more compromised.
Unless… we can find the strength, to do what we need to do for ourselves.
How to Break the Cycle of Verbal Abuse
- Seek support. Are there friends or family or support groups you can turn to? Preferably, all of the above.
- Remove yourself from the situation. Can you leave the relationship? It may feel like you can’t – but you do have a choice. Do what you can to protect yourself.
- Seek professional counseling. Rebuilding your self-esteem and sense of worth may take a long time, especially if you continue to be subjected to verbal abuse. Professional support will be an incredible advantage to this process.
- Seek to build self-love and self-compassion through any means available to you. Loving Kindness Meditation can be a particularly effective strategy.
- Allow yourself to mourn the relationship and experience the grief and heartache you are feeling.
- If you would like to talk to someone, but are uncomfortable with face-to-face support, you may wish to explore the world of on-line therapy. You can read more about options in this excellent resource provided by consumersadvocate.org.
- When you are strong enough, re-introduce positive emotions and experiences into your life. Allow yourself to have fun. Laugh. Seek out humor and kindness. You are wounded. You need the nurturing these experiences and emotions will provide.
- Tap back into your own strength and will-power. Admire how strong you were to survive. You’ve been brave. You have been courageous. Now it’s time to love yourself for it, release regret, and move on.
It’s the turning point that may be the most painful.
But what lies beyond it is peace and a contentment that is lacking in your world today. Eventually, the inner ache will begin to subside, and the world will slowly become brighter.
There are kind people in the world who deserve the best of us – and we deserve the best of us. Embrace self-compassion fully. And remember – we are so much more than enough.
We deserve to not only be loved but cherished.
Be the first person to know this and show the world the type of love you are worthy of.
If you found this article helpful, you may also want to check out:
Psychological Roots and Dangers of Narcissism.
Thank you as always for reading.
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Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a health care executive and 15 years (and counting) as a consultant. The common thread through Joan’s professional life has been a commitment to lead, mentor and coach current and future leaders, and women from all walks of life. KindCompassCoach provides information and advice grounded in Joan’s personal experience; however, all articles are backed by research and provide facts and advice from a wide variety of experts. Joan also serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.
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