“Compassion fatigue” refers to symptoms we experience due to prolonged stress from caring for, comforting, or empathizing with others.  This ailment has become prevalent in our society and can lead to feelings of overwhelm, helplessness and depression. Compassion fatigue may also impact our physical health and put us at greater risk for serious illnesses. In psychology, compassion fatigues may also be referred to as “Vicarious Trauma” or “Secondary Traumatic Stress” (STS).

What is Compassion Fatigue?

A name for what we’re feeling, at last. I’m grateful to have a name to assign to symptoms I’ve experienced and seen among so many friends, family and colleagues.

It seems everyone is either caring for their own children or grandchildren (including kids with special needs), or a sick relative, or an aging parent or parents (or, in some cases, two or more of the above).

Many of us, especially those in the so-called “sandwich generation” (with children plus aging parents) are dealing with a lot.

And for most of us, the support system that used to come from an extended family is no longer there to lean on. We face more challenges, and largely face them in alone. This puts stress on us, our marriages, our finances, and on our relationships with others.

In many cases, the chronic stress sets off conflicts that put distance between us and among us at a time when we most need support from one another.

Even when there is no illness to contend with, the demands of parenting alone have multiplied.  They no longer seem to decrease as our kids become more self-sufficient. In fact, it seems that they keep growing. We manage activities, monitor technology, intervene at warning signs of stress or depression.  We vigilantly watch for indications of mental or other trauma our kids may experience in that wireless world we can’t penetrate.

Often, we support them through young adulthood, and in many cases, beyond.

We even try to provide them a “soft landing” as they transition into the “real world”. Times have certainly changed. Simultaneously, we shoulder responsibilities for our parents. There is the emotional burden of watching mom and dad’s mental and physical decline.  We also have to bear the physical and financial burdens related to their care.

There are difficult discussions and decisions about where they live, whether they drive, when they must sell the family home.

And then there is the never-ending medical and insurance paperwork.  We must deal with assets, sentimental possessions, pets, and in some cases, liabilities we were not prepared for. And something else we don’t often talk about.  As they age and we bear these burdens, we also experience grief and loss as they are often no longer there for us when we need them most.

Compassion fatigue is common among health care and mental health providers.

These saints who walk among us deal with care-giving challenges all day.  And often, they get a double dose when they go home.  I am in awe of those folks who give so much to so many.  I have no idea how they do it.  But I think many of us are feeling a lay-person’s version of “compassion fatigue” due to the challenges I’ve described above.  And we’re not equipped with professional training or counseling to help us navigate these challenges.

We may not be angels like those providers of care, but I think we certainly are unsung heroes some days.

Compassion fatigue ultimately leads to negative attitudes and behaviors.  As we suffer from it, we can become angry, irritable, short-tempered, impatient and harsh. Ultimately, we may act out in unexpected ways due to our chronic frustration. We may lash out at those who offer support.  Those who tend to shoulder care-giving responsibilities may begin to feel worthless, ashamed, and guilty – because, let’s face it, it’s part of our natural tendency to find fault with ourselves.  All these behaviors and symptoms also take a huge physical toll – and the downstream impact of leaving this chronic condition untreated must not be underestimated.

So, what’s the cure for Compassion Fatigue?

Self-compassion.  In fact, I think “compassion fatigue” could accurately be described as a symptom of a self-compassion deficiency. If you needed one more reason to be responsible about your self-care – here it is.

If you’re caring for anyone: a child, a parent, a friend, an ailing pet, accept that it will be a marathon.

You are human.  And it will take it out of you.

Those who need us to care for them are counting on us to train and condition ourselves to make it to the end of that marathon at their side.  Our training program must include mega-doses of self-care. Quiet time for reflection. Physical activity to keep us strong. A close friend or loving partner to confide in and be vulnerable with. Periodic doses of humor and fun and kindness and generosity and goodness. All to remind us that our lives may be fraught with challenge but are simultaneously overflowing with blessings.

Let’s take care of ourselves so we can keep showing up for those who count on us, and above all so we avoid hurting those we love.

Please prioritize self-care and self-compassion.  Now.  Those we hold most dear need us to be at our very best, especially when times are hard.  And we are all so much more than enough.

Thank you as always for reading.

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KindCompassCoach

Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a health care executive and 15 years (and counting) as a consultant. The common thread through Joan’s professional life has been a commitment to lead, mentor and coach current and future leaders, and women from all walks of life. KindCompassCoach provides information and advice grounded in Joan’s personal experience; however, all articles are backed by research and provide facts and advice from a wide variety of experts. Joan also serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.