There is so much advice out there about how to be happy. And much of it says that to find happiness, we must learn to put ourselves first. We’re encouraged to take time to do things we love that bring us joy. It sounds like such simple guidance to put into practice. We can decide: “I’m going to do what I want to do today.”
How to Be Happy
I’m going to do things that help me feel happiness.
How hard could it be to figure that out?
It turns out that for many of us, it can be quite difficult.
If we’ve lived our lives putting other’s needs, opinions and preferences before our own, figuring out what we really want can be quite challenging. In fact, if finding happiness (for us) has meant keeping other people satisfied, we may draw a complete blank when we try.
Do these thoughts sound like the ones in your head?
- I feel like mindlessly surfing the internet, but my family will get annoyed if I’m at the computer for an hour on such a beautiful day.
- It would feel refreshing to jump in the car and take a drive with no destination. But my spouse will think it’s odd for me to do something like that by myself. I should just stay home.
- I’m ready to explore the world after a long time of lock down and quarantine. But my significant other doesn’t want to travel. Guess I’ll find another book to read.
- I’d love to work in the garden today, but my spouse will be lonely if I spend a few hours by myself – I should see what he/she wants to do instead.
How to Be Happy: ‘Shoulds’ Clutter Our Minds
If we tend to have a bunch of “shoulds” cluttering our thoughts, it’s especially hard to find happiness, because it’s especially hard to know what we truly want.
- I’m craving some solitude and quiet time, but I should call or visit my aunt and check in on her.
- I want to go on a vacation this year, but I should use my time off to visit Mom and Dad.
- It’s Saturday and I want to do absolutely nothing, but I should go visit my friend in the hospital.
- It would feel great to lay on the deck in a lounge chair, but I should get the shopping done.
After a while, needs and wants of others and the “shoulds” we foist on ourselves crowd out our own wants, preferences and opinions.
This makes it harder to find happiness.
Burying Our Needs Makes Them Harder and Harder to Find
And the longer we bury our own needs, the harder it can be to dig them out. Even on the rare occasion that we allow ourselves the opportunity to tend to them.
Eventually these ideas of who we are and what we want begin to fade, and ultimately, they may even disappear.
It’s really hard to find happiness when we don’t know who we are and what we want.
This realization struck me hard one day when someone asked me what I wanted for dinner. It’s a simple question. Yet I couldn’t answer. I actually never know what I feel like eating because I’ll eat whatever everyone else will agree to and be done with it.
I stopped having an opinion on things like this years ago.
It didn’t mean enough to put another choice on the table. I just wanted to go with the majority and get on with it.
The problem is that pathetic feeling began to spread to more and more areas of my life. And in the end, it made it harder to find happiness.
How to Be Happy: Do You Know What You Love to Do?
One day I realized I no longer knew anything that I truly loved to do.
Too much of my happiness was tied up in how other people were getting along. This was bad. And it was my fault.
I wish I had realized years ago. Because I wasn’t doing them any favors by depriving them of getting to know me better.
And I certainly wasn’t doing myself any favors by fading into the background.
Even though many think it’s a desirable quality to be ‘easy to get along with’, it’s the very opposite of authenticity to always be the one who ‘goes with the flow.’
How to Be Happy: Rediscovering Authenticity
At a certain point you begin to wonder, who am I anyway?
And how am I honoring the gift of this life I’ve been given by going along with the crowd? Don’t I have something unique to offer up, to contribute?
I lay awake the other night wondering, so what do I like to do? What makes me laugh and smile and relax? When does time fly? If I lived alone, how would I spend my days?
How about if I just had one a day all to myself – what would I do with it?
Taking care of ourselves and making our own wants and needs a priority is essential to our well-being. But we have to know what those things are to take that step.
Do you know the answers to these questions?
If you do, you’re halfway there. Pretend today belongs to you alone. Do at least one thing that you want to do, regardless of how others may feel about it. You may experience a sudden, welcome, surprise: your loved ones may be happy for you! And if they’re not, well then, you’ve learned something, haven’t you? Shouldn’t your loved ones support you doing whatever it is that will help you find happiness?
Set Aside the ‘Shoulds’
Then, set aside the ‘shoulds’.
You may discover that no one will judge you for it. That they will agree, yes, of course, it’s right to spend some of your time on something important to you. Cheers!
You must commit to not judging yourself, though – and that may be even more difficult.
But, once you do – oh, the freedom.
Finding happiness means enjoying fulfillment we can only feel when we allow ourselves to spread our wings and be the unique person that we are. That person that’s still there, deep down inside, waiting to blossom and bloom.
How to Be Happy
Just imagine it. Finding happiness.
Discovering that we have a choice in every moment to be our own authentic selves and do whatever makes our hearts sing.
Embracing change. Finding happiness.
The first step is remembering what it is that makes us smile, laugh, and feel lighthearted again.
The second is to go do it.
Why not take those steps today?
Thank you as always for reading.
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Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a health care executive and 15 years (and counting) as a consultant. The common thread through Joan’s professional life has been a commitment to lead, mentor and coach current and future leaders, and women from all walks of life. KindCompassCoach provides information and advice grounded in Joan’s personal experience; however, all articles are backed by research and provide facts and advice from a wide variety of experts. Joan also serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.
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