In a healthy relationship, both partners should feel equal, respected, and free to express themselves. However, in some cases, one partner may exhibit controlling behavior that can have a detrimental impact on the relationship and the well-being of the other person involved. Living with a controlling spouse can be challenging and emotionally draining. It is important to recognize the signs of a controlling spouse so that you may take appropriate action to restore a healthy, balanced relationship – or make other choices to regain your freedom and independence.
How to Know You Have a Controlling Spouse
When we refer to a “controlling spouse”, there are probably several images or ideas that come to mind.
A spouse who is overly possessive, domineering, or who violates their partner’s privacy, for example.
But there are a number of other signs that may not be as easy to spot.
Obvious Signs of a Controlling Spouse
- A controlling spouse may feel the need to monitor your every move. They might consistently check your phone, emails, or social media accounts without your consent. Monitoring your activities and keeping tabs on your whereabouts is a violation of your privacy, indicates a lack of trust and respect, and can indicate controlling behavior.
- Isolation is a classic tactic used by controlling people. If your spouse actively tries to isolate you from your family and friends, limiting your interactions and discouraging your relationships, it may be a sign of control. They might try to turn you against your loved ones or discourage you from spending time with your family, and away from them. This tactic leaves you feeling dependent and less likely to seek help or advice from loved ones.
- Controlling spouses often make all the decisions in the relationship without considering your opinions or desires. They may dismiss your input and preferences, dictate your actions, and impose their will on you, leaving you feeling voiceless and undermined. This imbalance of power can lead to feelings of helplessness and resentment.
- A controlling spouse may exhibit unwarranted jealousy and accuse you of infidelity without any evidence. They may become overly possessive and try to control your interactions with others. This behavior is not only unfair but also a clear sign of control, as they attempt to exert power and limit your autonomy.
- Controlling spouses may maintain complete control over finances, limiting your access to money or assets. They might dictate how you spend money, monitor your expenses, or use financial dependence to maintain power and control in the relationship.
More Subtle Signs of a Controlling Spouse
Other signs of a controlling spouse may be less evident, both to you as their partner, and to others who know you.
Some of these more difficult signs to spot include the following:
- Controlling spouses often manipulate situations, emotions, and information to their advantage. They may twist facts, exaggerate, withhold information, or use guilt and manipulation to get their way. This manipulative behavior can erode trust and leave you feeling emotionally drained.
- Controlling partners often resort to verbal and emotional abuse to assert their dominance. They may use name-calling, insults, belittlement, or threats to undermine your self-esteem and confidence. Emotional abuse can be as damaging or more damaging than physical abuse and should not be tolerated.
- A controlling spouse may consistently criticize you, your appearance, or your choices. They may set unreasonable expectations and make you feel like you can never meet their standards. This constant criticism and pressure can erode your self-worth and create a cycle of self-doubt.
- Controlling people often use the manipulative technique known as gaslighting to make you doubt your own perception of reality. They may repeatedly deny their behavior or make you question your memory or sanity. Gaslighting can erode your self-confidence and make it difficult for you to trust your own judgment.
How to Know You Have a Controlling Spouse
Being in a relationship with a controlling spouse is emotionally draining and unhealthy.
It is essential to recognize the signs of a controlling spouse to maintain your well-being.
In extreme cases, a controlling spouse may resort to physical intimidation or physical violence to exert control and maintain dominance.
Any form of physical abuse is intolerable, and immediate action should be taken to ensure safety and seek help.
If any of these signs resonate with your own experiences, it may be time to seek support from trusted friends, family, or professional counselors.
A healthy relationship is built on respect, equality, and open communication, and it is worth making the necessary changes to restore balance and regain your autonomy.
Thank you as always for reading.
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Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a health care executive and 15 years (and counting) as a consultant. The common thread through Joan’s professional life has been a commitment to lead, mentor and coach current and future leaders, and women from all walks of life. KindCompassCoach provides information and advice grounded in Joan’s personal experience; however, all articles are backed by research and provide facts and advice from a wide variety of experts. Joan also serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.
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