How to Find Comfort When You Feel Like a Failure on the Parenting Journey

We all worry that we’re not doing right by our kids; we all feel uncomfortable when we compare ourselves to other parents. But if you are reading this, chances are, you’re doing just fine, and your parenting is better than you think.  Hopefully this post will provide the reassurance you need and a well-deserved pat on the back. You’ve got this!

Cut Yourself Some Slack about Your Parenting: Embrace Self-Compassion

From the day our children enter the world, and throughout their lives, we do our best to do right by them. Inevitably, as parents, we make mistakes. We question our capability to provide sound advice. Often, we second guess our instincts and reactions. We seek to maintain a balance between encouragement and pushing them too hard; criticism and cultivation; discipline and freedom. Parenting is exhausting work no one is qualified to do well. And the issue never goes away; as our children age, we begin to support them in different ways, but they never stop being our children. And we never stop being parents.

Why Parenting Requires We Practice Self-Compassion

If we remind ourselves about what self-compassion is, it’s easy to see why it is so important to us as parents.  Self-compassion involves being kind to ourselves. Treating ourselves as fairly as we would treat a good friend.  It involves being gentle with ourselves, the way we would be with a young child.  Especially when we fail, make a mistake, or behave in ways that we regret.  It helps to think of ourselves as children.  How would we try to deliver constructive feedback to a child? Why not adopt that kind tone and attitude when we speak to ourselves about our abilities and thoughts as parents?

Feeling Ashamed of Our Thoughts and Attitudes

Beyond being disappointed in our own behavior, there are times as parents when we may be ashamed or disappointed in our thoughts and attitudes, too. If you can be self-compassionate when these situations arise, it will likely help you be a better parent, and it may also help you to raise a happier child.  These times happen.  They are normal. Don’t beat yourself up.  Consider how you would speak to your child if they were to have thoughts and feelings like these.  Be the best parent you can be to yourself.

You may also become a better parent to your child.

Parenting Situations Where We Must Be Kind to Ourselves

• When you really don’t want to play with your child.  It’s okay.  You’re an adult.  It’s normal to tire of kid’s games.  Don’t compound the problem by feeling guilty about it. Take a break, read a “grown-up” book for a bit, come back with a smile.
• When you feel jealous of friends, co-workers, etc. who don’t have children. Yes, they have the advantage when it comes to some things.  Don’t beat yourself up for feeling envious.  Chances are, many are looking forward to the day when they are parents: so, the feeling may sometimes be reciprocal!
• Situations where you may be embarrassed or ashamed of something your child does. It’s okay, it happens.  Every child has difficult moments, and too often there are people around who are too ready to judge (especially those who don’t have kids!).  Feel what you need to feel.  Think what you want to think. Try to remove your child from the spotlight. Seek some privacy to comfort them, as they are probably embarrassed, too.  But rest assured, these fleeting moments when you want to hide will never overcome your unconditional love for your child.
• Maybe there has been a time when you really screwed up – missed an important event; gave your child bad advice about how to handle a social situation; maybe you even violated their privacy somehow.  Pause. Think it through. You made a mistake. This doesn’t make you a bad parent. It makes you human.  Apologize. But don’t doubt yourself or your abilities – like everything else in life, parenting is a learning experience.
• All the times you dream about the day when you will finally have that long-awaited happy nest. Yep, we all do it.

It all comes back to Self-Compassion

It’s all about keeping things in perspective, about giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt, about knowing that we did the best we could in the moment with what we had to work with.  It doesn’t mean we don’t own up when we make a mistake; it means we treat ourselves fairly when we do.  We all will display normal human frailty and flaws from time to time.

The key is not to shift the focus to our own shortcomings; that is actually a selfish act vs. a self-compassionate one.  Self-compassion encourages us to realize our imperfections, and kind of “roll with them”. By behaving in this way, it helps our kids realize that even moms and dads mess up – that failure is okay; and that the world won’t end if they make a mistake some time down the line.

How We Can Benefit When We Practice Self-Compassion 

Research has shown that parents who practice self-compassion, especially parents of children with special needs, have lower levels of stress and depression. 

Studies have also demonstrated that parents of autistic children who embrace self-compassion have higher levels of life satisfaction and greater hope for a positive future.

Why Self-Compassion in Parenting is Important

Parenting is a tough job, but it can also be the most fulfilling.  However, it is one job where we continue to “learn as we go” throughout our child’s life.  Not only does our role evolve, but each child is unique and different.  Being the best parent to one child may not equip us to be a good parent to the next.

So, we need to strap ourselves in, hang on for the ride, and darn it, be kind to ourselves! 

There’s no way we’re going to get it all right every time, but we’ll do the best we can. Remember, we are all so much more than enough – and we owe it to our kids to love ourselves as much as we love them, too.

Thank you as always for reading.

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KindCompassCoach

Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a health care executive and 15 years (and counting) as a consultant. The common thread through Joan’s professional life has been a commitment to lead, mentor and coach current and future leaders, and women from all walks of life. KindCompassCoach provides information and advice grounded in Joan’s personal experience; however, all articles are backed by research and provide facts and advice from a wide variety of experts. Joan also serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.