Validation: How to Find Self-Worth Like Never Before

We all innately know how it feels when we are validated. And most, if not all of us, crave it, like oxygen. Unfortunately, often a large part of the reason we crave validation so much is because we feel just the opposite on the inside. We feel judged, ignored, invisible, unappreciated, unsure of our value and worth.

We want to feel as though we are enough, we’re adequate, we’re acceptable.

It’s hard because many of us lack those feelings within ourselves.

Since we struggle to believe in our own self-worth, we lack the capability for self-validation.

And what we can’t or don’t find within, we seek from others, sometimes almost desperately.

What is Validation?

Validation and verification are terms that are often used related to defining requirements and/or testing new products. We validate that we’ve captured a customer’s needs correctly; we verify that a product performs the way it should.

Validation in humans, and relationships, is similar by very different. Yes, we seek validation in a similar way – that our needs (or requirements) have merit and are important.

But it’s much more than that.

When we speak about validating people, it often includes a healthy dose of acknowledgement.

“Yes, you exist, you have value, you are worthy of being heard.”

“Yes, your ideas and feelings have merit.”

For some, validation extends beyond that, and it’s about feeling as though we have made an impact.

“Yes, your efforts and actions and contributions are valuable and have been recognized.”

Perhaps it’s fair to say that validation, in relationships, consists of confirmation from some external entity that we will leave our mark on our family, on our community, in this universe.

That we matter.

What External Validation Looks Like

When I think of this kind of validation, I think of “It’s A Wonderful Life” and how George Bailey needed external reassurance that his life was not a failure.

That he had indeed lived an impactful life and that he had made a difference.

Unfortunately, most of us don’t have a Guardian Angel named Clarence to help us find the way!

So, we need to muddle through this on our own.

When we seek validation, we are not looking for agreement from others; we’re not asking others to tell us we are correct, or brilliant, or revolutionary.

What we hope for and seek out is just confirmation that they hear us, and what we’ve shared, or felt, or said is valuable and understood in some way, shape or form.

Why Do We Struggle to Practice Self Validation?

As mentioned above, we tend to look outside ourselves for validation because we lack confidence.

There are a variety of schools of thought regarding why some of us lack a healthy self-validating mindset.

Some believe it is rooted in our childhoods, if we were the recipients of conditional love, contingent on approval or certain behaviors or accomplishments.

Others believe there may be a tie to poor self-esteem, anxiety, or bi-polar disorder.

One concept that I have found useful to myself is to remind myself that my concerns about validation – or my own craving for it – do not reflect a shortcoming of those around me.

Our thoughts tend to lead us in that direction.  We want to identify someone to blame, in some cases; “if only he would do this”; or “if only others appreciated me more”.

The truth is, we are the only ones who can satisfy our own cravings for validation. And that makes it that much harder.

Why Self Validation Is So Important

Those who lack self-validation tend to struggle to develop a strong sense of self and of their own identity.

They may not be sure who they really are, or even want to be – short of being someone who others approve of.

It’s easy to see that our ability to validate ourselves, internally, is key to happiness and contentment.

If we live our lives seeking the validation and approval of others, it’s very difficult to live an authentic, transparent life.

And without authenticity, intimacy becomes close to impossible.

And intimacy is essential to healthy relationships.

So there you have it – we’ve got to try to get this self-validation thing working for us!

What Invalidation Looks Like

The opposite of validation is “invalidation“.

Sadly, it’s probably not difficult to picture what invalidation looks like in our relationships with others.

We tell a friend we feel frustrated, and she tells us to “get over it”.

Or we tell our significant other that we’re unhappy, and they tell us to “stop complaining” — we feel invalidated.

It’s not that we expect wholesale support of our negative feelings; it’s that we expect others to respect our right to have those feelings – whether they agree with them or not.

Other examples of invalidation that may hit home:

• A child cries in pain, and a parent tells them to “stop acting like a baby.”
• You tell a sibling that your parents are too tough on you, and they tell you to “stop over-reacting.”
• A friend has said something that hurt your feelings; when you tell your spouse, he tells you, “That’s ridiculous.”
• You confide to your best friend that you feel guilty about taking a day off from work and she tells you, “That’s why you’re always stressed, stop being a victim.”

The examples go on and on.

When we find ourselves in this situation, we need to take action.

It takes courage – to clearly state that we feel invalidated as a result of another’s behavior, and that we need the dynamic to change.

First Things First: We Must Learn to Validate Ourselves

It wasn’t hard to come up with examples of times when we have felt invalidated by others, right?

But what happens far more often, without us even noticing?

We invalidate ourselves.

Think about that internal voice we hear, all day long.

How often does it judge us, dismiss our feelings, minimize our worries?

If we don’t validate ourselves, how does anyone else even stand a chance?

The first step to taming our need for external validation is to begin validating ourselves, with joy.

To conquer the internal voice that’s invalidating us too often.

To change that conversation to be one of support and love.

What Validation Sounds Like

So, if we want to change that internal conversation, and also, demonstrate validation to those we love and care for, what does that actually look like, in practice?

Validation demonstrates acceptance, but not necessarily agreement.

So, for example, when we feel sad, or someone close to us feels sad, validating responses might sound like this:

• “I can see why you may feel that way.”
• “I see that you are sad. Is there anything I can do to support you?”
• “What you’re going through is difficult. I’m sorry you’re feeling sad.”

When Feelings Are Not Clear

Sometimes, we are not quite sure how we are feeling.

Or those close to us are unsure of the emotions they are experiencing.

Certain emotions can look and feel similar, but be quite distinct, even opposite.

For example, sadness can look like boredom or lethargy; excitement can sometimes be confused with anger, etc.

During these times, we can help ourselves and each other by encouraging a conversation that helps identify and name the emotion that is present.

For example:

• “It seems as though you’re having a rough time. Tell me more about how you are feeling.”
• “It sounds like maybe you are feeling sad. Is that what’s going on?”
• “Today must have been rough. How are you feeling about what happened?

Why Naming Our Emotions Leads to Validation

Opening up conversations about the things we are feeling and thinking has many benefits.

It encourages us to be vulnerable, and in doing so, builds trust in relationships.

Naming our emotions can also help us deal with them more constructively, and even lessen the intensity of negative emotions we wish to acknowledge but do not want to overcome us.

When we hear others accurately reflect back to us what we are indeed experiencing, that is validation.

We feel it coming from outside, and this also helps us to internalize the good feelings that come along with that acknowledgement.

Want to Read More about validation?

Check out this incredible article, which talks more about why learning to validate others is so important to our personal relationships.

Also, find more inspiration here: Skyrocketing Your Confidence: 18 Strategies to Build Self-Esteem.

Thank you as always for reading.

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