How to Know Low Self-Esteem Is Not the Problem

When we feel emotional pain or struggle to maintain our mental health, we are often quick to assume that part of the issue lies with low self-esteem. The truth is low self-esteem has been given more airtime than it deserves over the years.

What has not been given ample attention is what we are often truly lacking: self-compassion.

Until a few years ago I didn’t understand the difference between feeling low self-esteem vs. experiencing a lack of self-compassion.

And I still need constant reminders.

Since I needed one this week, I thought I’d share this with you, too.

Finding Self-Love and Self-Compassion vs. Addressing Low Self-Esteem

Self-compassion involves being kind to ourselves, and accepting ourselves, both when we do well and when we falter. 

It means we accept without judgment our strengths, faults, talents, challenges, failures, thoughts and mistakes.

Since self-compassion helps us develop unconditional self-love, it is the gateway to more acceptance, happiness, and peace.

And being self-compassionate is an essential basis for healthy relationships with others.

In recent generations, parents have been cautioned to be diligent in avoiding behaviors that may promote low self-esteem in our children.

Little mention has been made of nourishing their ability to feel self-compassion, which is actually more important, in that it encourages children to self-soothe, and deal with disappointment and mistakes and other real-life issues in a healthier manner.

Over this time, we have created what some now refer to as a “narcissism epidemic”.

For example, one study found that 65% of millennials score higher on narcissism indices than previous generations.

Low Self-Esteem is Bad, Healthy Self-Esteem is Good, But….

Of course, having healthy self-esteem is good.  But many mistake unhappiness for low self-esteem; when what is creating the suffering is actually a lack of self-compassion.  It is the self-compassion (not the self-esteem) that may often need nurturing. 

Seeking (or, for that matter, having) very high self-esteem may detract from our happiness, as opposed to helping us feel more content.

Here are 10 reasons why:

1. High Self-Esteem involves comparing ourselves to others and finding ourselves superior. Comparing ourselves to others is rarely good for us!
2. Having an opinion about ourselves that hinges on our performance relative to others is a no-win situation. We can’t be the best at everything.
3. Thinking we are better than others means judging others as inferior. Judging others involves negative thinking that leads to negative behaviors and actions.
4. Having very high self-esteem often means ignoring our failings. This practice encourages the belief that we are infallible. This prevents us from appreciating the strengths of others.
5. High self-esteem is like having a “conditional love” for ourselves; we only love ourselves when we’re the best, or when we consider ourselves high achievers.
6. High self-esteem left unchecked leads to narcissistic behaviors including bullying, harsh criticism and sudden, irrational outbursts of anger.
7. Maintaining high self-esteem requires constant maintenance and approval. When we fail, it leads to self-doubt and depression.
8. When self-approval hinges on achievements, it has no “staying power”. How can we constantly be the best? Why should we have to, to find ourselves worthy?
9. Those with very high self-esteem find failure or mediocrity hard to handle. When bested, they become self-critical. They experience severe lows; too many can trigger depressive episodes.
10. When we live life with exaggerated self-esteem, we don’t view achievements of others realistically. This means we may be more likely to overreact or find others guilty of wrong-doing.

When Low Self-Esteem is Not the Problem

We should seek to develop healthy self-esteem in our children and ourselves. 

But we must also realize when to nurture and encourage the development of self-compassion instead.

Thank you as always for reading.

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KindCompassCoach

Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a health care executive and 15 years (and counting) as a consultant. The common thread through Joan’s professional life has been a commitment to lead, mentor and coach current and future leaders, and women from all walks of life. KindCompassCoach provides information and advice grounded in Joan’s personal experience; however, all articles are backed by research and provide facts and advice from a wide variety of experts. Joan also serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.