I have a friend who once said to me, “Regret is a useless emotion.” She may have been right. But regardless of how well regret serves us, it can certainly be powerful. Most of us will experience regret at one time or another. When we do, it can be almost impossible to shake. Our brains go round and round in the same never-ending circles. We think, “if only I hadn’t made that mistake.” Or, “Imagine what life would have been like if….” When we’re stuck in these destructive thought patterns, it’s especially important to understand how we may be able to overcome regret and move on.
Regret often stems from the belief that we have made wrong choices in the past, leading to missed opportunities or unfavorable outcomes.
It’s so hard to accept this, but regrets are an inevitable part of life. We all make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes can weigh heavily on our minds.
Though processing regret is essential, dwelling on it is unhealthy and it hinders personal growth and happiness. As difficult as it may be, we need to work to ultimately shift our focus from regret to lessons learned.
How to Overcome Regret
Regret is a natural human response to perceived mistakes or failures. It often arises from the belief that we could have made better decisions.
Hindsight bias plays a significant role here. We tend to judge our past choices based on the knowledge and experience we have now, which is unfair to our past selves.
How could we have known the lessons we didn’t learn until later in life? How could we have known the downstream consequences of what seemed like a trivial decision at the time?
Relationships end, tragedies strike, bad things happen. Sometimes, we seize what appears to be an opportunity that winds up being a dead end. And we lose out on another alternative. We make hundreds of decisions every day, never knowing which ones will come back to haunt us or benefit us.
We can’t turn back time, but our human nature continues to lead us to obsess over what might have been.
Unfortunately, this natural tendency of ours can mean that we experience regret more often than may be healthy or warranted. And so, sometimes, we have to work really hard to overcome what comes naturally.
Shift Perspectives to Overcome Regret
One effective way to make peace with past choices is to shift our perspective. Instead of viewing our decisions as failures, we can reframe them as valuable learning experiences. By reframing our regrets in this way, we can break free from the negative cycle of self-blame and self-doubt. Instead, we can approach our mistakes with curiosity and a desire to learn.
This simple explanation is not meant to imply that this is easy to do. It’s not. It’s hard.
But it’s what we have to do in order to break free from the cycle. To move forward with positive energy.
Every choice we make, whether positive or negative, contributes to our personal growth and development. Taking the difficult step to adopt this mindset allows us to release the burden of regret and focus on the present moment.
Forgive Yourself to Overcome Regret
One of the biggest obstacles to overcoming regret is forgiving ourselves. It can be difficult to let go of the guilt and shame that often accompany our mistakes. But self-forgiveness is a vital step in overcoming regret. We all make mistakes; it is a part of being human.
Holding onto guilt, shame and self-blame only perpetuates negative emotions.
To truly make peace with our past choices, we must practice self-compassion and forgive ourselves. How?
By reminding ourselves that we did the best we could with the information and resources available to us at that time.
And that we made a choice based on our life experience up until that moment.
Perhaps we were unduly influenced by the people who were prominent in our lives at the time. Or emotions we harbored from some recent experience or memory.
We are not robots – this is what makes us beautiful and also what sometimes leads us to screw up royally.
We’re not perfect, so we make flawed decisions, hurt other people without intending, and perhaps choose the wrong path in life, too.
But we don’t make these choices in isolation. Past experiences, and the well-intended guidance from friends and family members – all play into every single choice we make.
It’s a mixed bag of wisdom and bad advice, and it’s easy to mistake one for the other sometimes.
This is how life is.
However, holding onto these negative emotions only hinders our personal growth.
By practicing self-compassion and forgiveness, we give ourselves permission to move forward and make positive changes in our lives.
Transform Regret into Motivation
Our past choices, even if regretted, offer valuable lessons for the future.
After processing our regret, and finding the strength to move past it, it can be helpful to reflect on the consequences of our choices.
To identify the lessons we can learn. And to use this wisdom to make better decisions moving forward.
By learning from our mistakes, we can begin to overcome regret and turn it into a catalyst for personal growth and positive change.
Again, this simple sentence does not mean to imply that this is an easy or uncomplicated shift. The word, transform, reflects what can sometimes be a lengthy process, one the changes fundamental qualities of our lives. Nevertheless, transformation can and does happen. If we can find the strength to get there.
When we do, regrets can serve as powerful motivators for personal and professional growth.
As we begin to reflect more objectively on our past mistakes, we gain a clear understanding of what we don’t want for our future.
This clarity can fuel our determination to make better choices and pursue our goals with renewed vigor.
By using our regrets as a driving force, we can turn them into catalysts for success.
Focus on the Present to Overcome Regret
Regret often stems from living in the past, constantly replaying our choices and wishing we could change them.
To break free from this cycle, we must learn to embrace the present moments.
Mindfulness practices, such as meditation or journaling, can help cultivate awareness and gratitude for the here and now.
By focusing on the present, we can let go of regret and make the most of our current circumstances.
Allow Yourself to Be Vulnerable
Truly facing up to our regrets requires us to be vulnerable, because we must acknowledge our imperfections and help ourselves open up open to learning from them. Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist can provide an outside perspective, however, seeking this kind of support also presents risks.
Because everyone else is as imperfect as we are.
So, choose those to confide in carefully.
These are precious gifts you are considering sharing! Your innermost thoughts, doubts, regrets, and feelings deserve to be shared with only those who you know who have the ability to truly be compassionate without judgment. And who only want what is best for you in your life.
Sometimes it’s hard to be sure who those people are.
So know that whatever feedback, advice or support they provide you is well-intentioned, but may not be wise, either.
Be prepared to take in what you hear and learn, but to always consider that input within your own heart, and inform it with your own voice, your own beliefs.
No one knows you as well as you do. No one has lived your life experience or knows better than you how to overcome regret.
You, truly, are the best person to chart your new course, to make your decisions, to decide when it’s right to let go of regret and move ahead.
How to Overcome Regret and Move On
It takes courage to face our regrets head-on, but the rewards are well worth the effort.
Regret is a natural part of life, but it doesn’t have to define us. Our power to change lies in the present moment. focus to the potential opportunities that lie ahead.
Thank you as always for reading.
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Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a health care executive and 15 years (and counting) as a consultant. The common thread through Joan’s professional life has been a commitment to lead, mentor and coach current and future leaders, and women from all walks of life. KindCompassCoach provides information and advice grounded in Joan’s personal experience; however, all articles are backed by research and provide facts and advice from a wide variety of experts. Joan also serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.
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