February is Annual Boost Self-Esteem Month. To observe it, Kindness-Compassion-and-Coaching.com is publishing a series of posts about the many aspects of this intriguing subject. If you would like to read the series from the beginning, please start with this piece: Self-Esteem: What You Need to Know and Secrets Revealed. Today’s post provides an introduction to self-compassion including some of the challenges regarding how to find self-compassion, and also how to keep it as a priority in our lives.

If the topic of self-esteem interests you, be sure to subscribe at KindCompassCoach so you don’t miss a post in this month-long series.

“Self-esteem is the ability to see yourself as God sees you and refuse to be bullied.” – Joyce Meyer

How to Find Self-Compassion

To find compassion, we must first notice when someone is having a difficult time. 

This can happen when we walk down the street and notice a person who looks unhappy. 

Or observe a co-worker who appears overwhelmed. 

We know that it is good to feel compassion for others, and many of us make a conscious effort to do so. 

Today, there is more emphasis placed on learning to feel compassion for ourselves, too. 

The challenge? To find self-compassion, we must first come face to face with our own pain.

To Find Self-Compassion We Must Acknowledge Our Pain

That’s right. To begin to feel self-compassion, we must allow ourselves to fully see and feel our own pain. Not ignore it. Or sidestep it. Or brush it away. We must look at it and accept it for what it is and feel it. All the way.

We must allow ourselves to feel the hurt, the suffering.

Maybe have a cry as we do. But these are not going to be happy tears – not yet.

This is the gut-wrenching, saddest, deepest sorrow we know.

Perhaps it’s loneliness we feel. Or perhaps we are frightened. Maybe we feel humiliation. Or are experiencing a crisis of faith or fear. Or are the victim of abuse.

Whatever it is – we have to step outside of ourselves, observe it, and allow ourselves to experience it – fully. It’s necessary.

Because without this step, genuine self-compassion is impossible.

How to Open the Door to Being More Compassionate to Others

And perhaps more importantly, if we deny our own self-compassion, we can’t ever feel compassion for others to the fullest.

Whether it be feeling compassion for another, or feeling self-compassion for ourselves, that very first moment when we pay attention and realize something is wrong is essential.

If we don’t notice the suffering, we don’t get the opportunity to go beyond that.

We can’t move on to compassion, and we can never hope to empathize. We can never truly embrace the wish to relieve someone else’s suffering.

This same holds true for self-compassion – the first step is to notice our own feelings.

How often do we neglect to pay attention to our own moments of pain and suffering?

Do we tend to just “power through” when something truly hurts, disappoints, or upsets us?  Or stuff it down inside of ourselves, to a place where we don’t need to confront it?

Our pain may be lodged in a place where it can’t surface.

A place where it can’t see the light.

If it’s there, it may fester and grow and play out in negative, destructive and unexpected ways. I think many of us have too much pain below the surface. And that we make things worse by pushing down more than we should.

A lack of self-compassion can lead to very unfortunate downstream consequences.

It can come out in unhealthy patterns such as neglecting our own needs, hurting ourselves or others, over or under-eating, over-spending.

Many of these habits we would like to break are coping mechanisms triggered by suppressed suffering.

As with compassion for others, if we don’t notice our own suffering, there is no way for us to comfort ourselves.

How to Find Self-Compassion, Even Though it Hurts

We can’t find self-compassion if we don’t identify, acknowledge and process the moments when we are in pain.

Some of us carry pain for years without acknowledging it.

We may not understand we are feeling it.  Especially if we were not encouraged to express true feelings from an early age.

The pain can be from early intimate relationships.  Or from suppressed trauma.

Perhaps, we began to sublimate feelings due to an unhealthy dynamic we experienced? Or perhaps we had a relationship that was cut short too soon? That may have caused us grief and heartbreak that we have yet to truly express and reconcile.

We have talked in many posts about how important it is to show kindness to ourselves and love ourselves unconditionally.

The way we would love a child of our own. If our daughter was carrying heartbreak or insecurity or sadness or feeling depressed, we would want her to let it out.  To grieve, if she needed to.  To be able to comfort herself, generously, and heal.

So, let’s do our best to notice any pain or suffering we are experiencing.  There is no need to justify it. What we are feeling is real.

How to Find Self-Compassion

Let’s show self-compassion and be kind to that innocent person who is worthy of love and comfort.

Let’s do what we can to help her release whatever is bottled up and is adversely impacting her life.

Allow ourselves to fully explore the journey that will teach us how to find self-compassion. 

Because there is peace on the other side of suffering, but we have to acknowledge pain and experience true self-compassion to move through it. 

Once we do, we’ll find that we have a new-found attention to not only our own feelings but those around us.

Because the first step to compassion is to find self-compassion, whatever that takes.

To learn more about your own level of self-compassion, you may wish to take this Self-Compassion Test.

If you’re ready to move onto the next post in the self-esteem series, it’s ready for you:

How to Cultivate Self-Compassion That Lasts Through Devastating Times.

Thank you as always for reading.

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KindCompassCoach

Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a health care executive and 15 years (and counting) as a consultant. The common thread through Joan’s professional life has been a commitment to lead, mentor and coach current and future leaders, and women from all walks of life. KindCompassCoach provides information and advice grounded in Joan’s personal experience; however, all articles are backed by research and provide facts and advice from a wide variety of experts. Joan also serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.