Achieving intimacy in relationships takes trust and courage. Knowing we need to let others see all of us is just the beginning. After we realize and accept how critical it is to allow ourselves to be truly vulnerable, it’s still very hard to do. This is where the courage part comes in.
It’s a huge emotional risk to put our hearts in someone else’s hands, not knowing what they will do with it.
How to Open Ourselves to Intimacy
It can help us to expand the bounds of our own vulnerability if we take small steps. To slowly begin to open up and get more acquainted with the practice of being transparent and honest about our feelings and thoughts. It’s best to start doing this in low-risk situations, to avoid potentially having our vulnerability back-fire and send us scrambling back into our own shells.
We have opportunities to practice being vulnerable every day.
Here’s an example. When asked how we’re doing, our answer is usually “Fine.” Synonyms for fine include excellent, first-rate, exceptional, magnificent, splendid, outstanding, prime and superb. When was the last time you actually felt “splendid”? (Wouldn’t it be amazing if that was our go-to state of being?)
Granted, the greeting of “How are you?” has become the equivalent of “Hello”, and so we often reply without much elaboration. But the truth is, there are times when these are opportunities for a deeper conversation. We need to be observant to notice when they present themselves. Many times, we do notice – yet still fail to take advantage of them. In fact, many of us don’t have any people who we feel comfortable having a completely open, honest conversation with. Sadly, we keep powerful thoughts, feelings, and emotions locked up inside – for a narrow-minded audience of one.
Why Is Intimacy So Important?
This is a real problem. Among other things, lack of intimacy in relationships fuels the fire of exaggerated comparisons to others.
Since we rarely allow ourselves to share fears, troubles, short-comings, failures, and disappointments, it’s easy to believe that those around us are, truly, doing “fine”.
This is unfortunate. And today’s social media frenzy can make it appear that we’re the only ones with uneventful lives!
The two combined can create misconceptions about the quality of life everyone else is experiencing.
The skewed impression we get from other people’s “life highlight reel” is that they are all successful, having a great time, and looking better than ever.
But the truth is, most everyone is struggling, in one way or another.
When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, and have more intimate, open conversations, it helps to shine a light on other’s true circumstances.
It can also help us avoid the pitfalls of uninformed comparisons.
These pitfalls can make us feel poorly and feed our tendency to judge others too harshly. In short, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and transparent helps us to become more compassionate and kinder, both to others and to ourselves. But allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is challenging and as noted above, takes courage.
Intimacy in Relationships
Do you feel as though you have intimacy in relationships? When was the last time you were truly open and authentic in a conversation?
Next time you have the opportunity to take this risk, do it.
Let’s consciously seek out people who make us feel safe and who we can have intimate discussions with. And let’s make more time for them.
Because they deserve more of us.
Please comment and let us all know what intimacy in relationships looks and feels like in your life.
We all deserve the support and love sincere, healthy relationships can provide.
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Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a health care executive and 15 years (and counting) as a consultant. The common thread through Joan’s professional life has been a commitment to lead, mentor and coach current and future leaders, and women from all walks of life. KindCompassCoach provides information and advice grounded in Joan’s personal experience; however, all articles are backed by research and provide facts and advice from a wide variety of experts. Joan also serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.
7 Responses
It’s a shame but in my experience very few people want the answer after the “how are you” question. However, I do feel the people who aren’t in a place to listen to someones genuine answer just aren’t in the place for it – I don’t think this automatically makes them a difficult person.
I think it’s key to find someone you feel safe to have these type of conversations with. I’m fortunate enough that I have people who I am able to be my raw self with and that’s okay but it’s taken a long time for me to notice people who have that quality.
Something I find really useful (in regards to comparison) and has been something I’ve been practicing for years is the thought that no one is immune to the struggles of life. No one lives a worry free life and for me that levels the playing field. It puts us all in the same team – regardless of what achievements or materialistic items we posses. You’re still a human, experiencing a human life and because of that you will have issues of some kind. We’re all doing our best so let’s offer each other some compassion for that.
Intimacy and transparency to me is trust. It’s trusting that the information you give is accepted, respected and kept confidential if needs be. It’s being able to be your true self and feeling comfortable with that.
This is such a food for thought post, Joan! Loved it! X
I think intimacy has gotten misconstrued as just sex which is incorrect. Also, it’s so HARD to always be open and genuine because so many people are looking for quick fixes and are not so open and honest. It’s really awful and I see it in my own dating life to where I’ve become slightly jaded.
S .x https://samsramblings91.blogspot.com/2019/03/28-things-at-28.html
God the “how are you” question really does ring true. I’m the first person to just say “I’m fine” because I don’t want to bother anyone with my problems or I just don’t think they’re important enough to share.
Jenny
http://www.jennyinneverland.com
You’re right, Joan, most people think intimacy has a sexual connotation but it doesn’t have to be like that. Proper intimacy is about trust and sharing, whether that’s parent/child, sibling, or friends. Trust can be hard sometimes but the fear of opening up is usually much worse than the actual opening up itself. Thank you, lovely post x
Lisa | http://www.lisasnotebook.com
Thanks so much for your comment, Lisa. I think you’re right, overcoming the fear of opening up is the hardest part.
Such an empowering post about being vulnerable! I think vulnerability gets a bad rep because some people view it as weak, which makes you want to hold everything in to appear strong. Holding in bad energy and unacknowledged feelings actually hurts you more and those around you. It’s hard for people to be close to you if you push them away. I agree with you about being open when the time calls. It would be cool to actually say how you really feel when people ask, “how are you doing?”. Great eye opening post Joan! I’m going to be brave the next time that common question arises and actually say how I really feel!
Natonya | https://justnatonya.wordpress.com/
Very thoughtful insights about intimacy in relationships.