One thing many of us have in common is that our relationship with money contains an element of shame. Shame, in general, is one of the most degrading, negative and debilitating emotions.  Yet many of us feel it every day related to how we spend our money, how we handle our money, how we manage our money.  The roots of our money shame vary but the existence of the feeling among us is very common.

One thing is certain and consistent for all of us. We need to do what we can to eliminate shame of all kinds. There is no up-side to feeling it, and the downside can be debilitating and cause serious unhappiness and guilt.

Causes of Money Shame

Sometimes our money shame is rooted in our spending habits and debts.

Sometimes it’s more about not knowing the basics of savings or investing and feeling ignorant or uninformed. 

Which can also make us feel anxious whenever the subject of money arises.

Or money shame can be rooted in the feeling “I’m not good with money” or “I’m not good with numbers” – a myth that may have started as a result of a label we adopted early in life, that we continue to reinforce in our own minds.

Negative feelings about money can also originate from being taught that having money is “bad” or selfish; after all – many of us were taught to believe that “money is the root of all evil”. (The actual quote is “love of money is the root of all evil, but that’s a topic for another day).

Money and Secrecy

Insecurity about money can also lead to mistrust and secrecy – if money is a topic we fear, we may not talk about it, with our partner or family members.  Lack of transparency about anything means more guilt, even more shame, and unhappiness.

It doesn’t matter how old we are, how successful we are, or how much money we have in the bank – we’re all susceptible to money shame. 

And it’s important we do our best to overcome it. 

Here are 5 reasons why:

1. Feelings of money shame, or shame of any kind are inherently negative – they can and will contribute to feelings of poor self-worth and self-esteem.
2. Money is not good or bad – attaching some value of our own worth to the how much money we make or spend is wrong. It creates an environment of conditional love – with ourselves.  Self-love is too important to have it depend on money.
3. Money shame is not a route to a solution for money challenges or difficulties.  Instead, it reinforces our belief that we don’t have the skill or capabilities required to solve our own problems effectively.
4. Feeling shameful about our own money and attitudes about money encourages us to compare ourselves to others. This leads to negative thoughts, and if we’re insecure about money and equate it to a barometer of success, we will tend to envy those who appear to make more money, manage their money better, or who have more material possessions than we do.
5. Investing energy in money shame means we focus less on the other blessings in our lives.  Money shame does not encourage us to be grateful, generous, or kind. It only encourages us to think poorly of ourselves and others.

If you’re one of the minority who have conquered money fears and have a healthy relationship with money, that is an amazing gift! Congratulations! And keep up the good work.

For the rest of us: well, the answers are not easy.

And they vary quite a bit depending on the nature of our shame.  Some of us may feel badly because we’ve incurred debt.  Others may feel guilty because we’ve mishandled the money we have.  Still others may make more money than they feel they deserve! But, regardless of the root cause of our money shame, much of what we can do to overcome it begins with our thoughts. And our choices. 

Here are 5 questions that may help us resolve money shame:

Let’s ask ourselves:

1. How do I feel about money?
2. Why do I feel that way?
3. Are those feelings rooted in facts?
4. How do I feel when faced with a major money decision?
5. When I spend money on something I can’t afford, how does it make me feel?

Writing answers out can help cement them in our minds.

This can help us more readily identify times when our thoughts don’t accurately reflect reality, and how we feel in specific circumstances.

Let’s also talk to others:

1. Friends or family who may understand why we believe what we do.
2. Partners and loved ones who are impacted by our money shame.
3. Financial professionals who can help educate us or provide facts to overcome myths we may carry about money.

Communication and transparency with ourselves and those close to us are key to overcoming issues of shame.

We can also use positive self-talk to help overcome our challenges in this arena:

• When we have a negative internal thought about money, let’s replace them with a positive affirmation instead.  “I make good financial decisions.” “I’m sensible in my spending.” “I have debts, but I’m on the road to financial security.”
• When we’re about to make a purchase, let’s ask ourselves – is this purchase consistent with my short and long-term financial goals?
• Remember that idea about creating a face to put with our own internal voice? Let’s give our internal money voice a face and a name. Perhaps it’s a coach who has given us good advice in the past, or a money expert who we admire.  Perhaps it’s Yoda! Whatever works.

As with most relationships, our relationship with money can be complicated.

Whatever is going on, keep self-love and self-care and kindness front and center. 

We may have made mistakes in the past with money, but that doesn’t make us bad people, or bad money managers.  It just makes us more experienced.

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KindCompassCoach

Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a health care executive and 15 years (and counting) as a consultant. The common thread through Joan’s professional life has been a commitment to lead, mentor and coach current and future leaders, and women from all walks of life. KindCompassCoach provides information and advice grounded in Joan’s personal experience; however, all articles are backed by research and provide facts and advice from a wide variety of experts. Joan also serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.