Self-Compassion: How to Develop This Essential Life Skill

When asked to name essential life skills, practical abilities probably come to mind. Changing a tire, cooking a meal, our ability to make good decisions or exhibit self-control are examples of skills that make life easier for human adults. One life skill that we probably do not consider right away is our ability to practice self-compassion.

In general, we’re not programmed to think about “soft skills”, such as our capacity to be kind to ourselves, as important.

But the ability to be self-compassionate may be one of the most essential life skills of all. Because having this skill can impact how well we cope at each moment throughout the day and for the rest of our lives.

What Is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion is a practice and way of thinking that allows us to be as supportive of ourselves as we are of others.

It involves being gentle with ourselves as we continue to strive to be the best people we can be.

Not to be confused with self-care, which places more of an emphasis on doing things that make us feel good and help us thrive, self-compassion is more about how we think about ourselves, the way we talk to ourselves, and how we encourage ourselves, from the inside, out.

We can appreciate what self-compassion looks like in practice by asking ourselves how we would talk to or encourage a good friend or child, and then try to adapt the same positivity to our own internal messaging.

So, how can we work on mastering the art of self-compassion, an essential life skill?

Mastering A Skill Takes Practice

There are many different categories of skills. Our ability to play a sport, a musical instrument, read, write, drive, cook and clean, are all skills. What do all these varied things have in common? We get better at all of these things the more we do them.

Similarly, our ability to be self-compassionate improves with practice.

Unlike sports or playing a musical instrument, however, self-compassion is one skill we are all capable of acquiring and honing. We do not have to have a natural inclination or talent or proclivity for it – we can all become experts.

We don’t have to be born with a talent or a competency for self-compassion and we don’t have to have it when we are children, teenagers, or young adults.

When we choose, we can develop self-compassion on our own, whenever we decide to get started.

We Can All Get Better At Self Compassion

That’s right: whether or not being self-compassionate comes naturally to us, scientists have proven that we are all able to improve our self-compassion skills, if we set our minds to it.

This does not happen on its own.

It requires time and some attention. But it can be done. And the impact is undeniable.

Because practicing self-compassion actually changes our brain chemistry – in a very good way. Specifically, there’s a part of the brain scientists call the “Care Circuit” which allows us to experience warmth and positive feelings.

When we practice self-compassion, our Care Circuit is nourished, grows, and enables increased release of oxytocin.

A healthy Care Circuit is associated with improved well-being and reduced emotional distress, anxiety, depression and anger.

So it’s possible to improve our ability to be self-compassionate.

But just because something is possible, does not mean that it is easy.

In fact, practicing self-compassion does not come naturally to many of us.

There are many books that seem to imply it’s easy to adopt a self-compassionate attitude, however, it truly takes a conscious effort and discipline to begin to train our minds to think differently. If we find the discipline to practice this life skill, the changes to our entire outlook can be phenomenal.

How To Practice Self-Compassion

As with most any project, it’s important to start with small steps towards the larger goal. There are quite a few ways to inject more self-compassion in our lives, but starting with the basics is key.

An effective way to begin is to pay greater attention to the voice we use when speaking to ourselves.

This may sound strange. But once we tune into the sound of that voice, we begin to appreciate why this is so important. It’s undeniable. Ever present. Constant. Never-ending. It’s the voice we hear most often in our lives. And we can control it.

Noticing Our Own Self-Talk

Right now, there’s an ongoing commentary going on in our heads. Some of it is about what we’re doing and how we could be doing it better or differently. As we tune into that voice, we realize there’s often another separate soundtrack playing in the background.

That soundtrack is what sets the tone for the rest of our thoughts.

It can include rumination about past choices, decisions, actions, regrets, times when we feel we came up short, were disappointed in ourselves, or didn’t take a chance. That soundtrack has power over us. But we have control over what plays on it. We can make a conscious choice for the soundtrack to be kinder and more inspirational.

• The first step is to become conscious of the voice.
• The second is to notice when the voice is telling us things we would not say to a friend.
• Last is to replace those thoughts with other, more inspiring and reasonable ones.

What Does A Self-Compassion Intervention Look Like?

I think of these opportunities as “self-compassion interventions”. I have many of these chances to improve my thinking each day and I bet you do, too. Here’s one recent example:

Yesterday while working on a report, I could not locate a reference I’d gone to online, 10 times before.

My conscious mind was skittering around all over thinking of where it might be.

At the same time, my background soundtrack was playing loud and clear: “You’re losing it. You can’t even find a reference. How can you write a decent report? You’ve never really been good at your job at all, you’re only successful because of lucky breaks.”

And from there, I can wander down roads that lead to public humiliation, financial disaster and dementia.

What a crappy soundtrack!

If I’m having a good day, I notice where my thoughts are going sooner rather than later. Before I get past that first phrase, I choose to short circuit my thoughts. Like this: “Yes, it’s taking me a while to find that reference. It’s probably because I’ve done so much reading to prepare this report. I’m usually good at this kind of work. Maybe I need to take a break for a few minutes.” And after a short pause and a fresh cup of coffee, the reference magically appears.

Well, it doesn’t always work out quite so well, but you get the idea.

Our thoughts make things worse or better – and sometimes we forget that we get to choose them.

How To Make Self-Compassion Easier

One way to help ourselves in this area is to work on establishing a self-compassion habit. Our natural tendency to develop habits can really help us. Establishing a self-compassion habit can be as simple as starting or ending the day with a self-compassion affirmation, such as the following:

• I am kind to myself today and everyday.
• I forgive myself for past mistakes.
• I’m worthy of love, kindness, and understanding, both from myself and others.

If you’re feeling drained from giving so much compassion to others, this may help: Compassion Fatigue.

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KindCompassCoach

Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a private sector corporate executive and 15 years as a consultant. The common thread through her professional life has been a commitment to compassionate coaching and leadership, including mentoring early and mid-career professionals as well as current and future executives and leaders. KindCompassCoach articles are backed by research and include facts and advice from relevant experts. Joan is a member of the International Organization of Life Coaches, serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.