Trauma Bonding: What You Need to Know

Trauma bonding is a psychological phenomenon that occurs in abusive or toxic relationships. It involves a powerful and unhealthy attachment to an abuser, often resulting from a cycle of positive and negative experiences.

Bonding of this type may also be referred to as “Stockholm Syndrome.”

The dynamics in this syndrome are complex, but by recognizing what is happening and taking appropriate action, it is possible to break free from its grip.

Trauma Bonding: The Cycle

Trauma bonding typically follows a repetitive cycle, consisting of three phases:

1. Idealization: In the idealization phase, the abuser showers the victim with love, affection, and attention. This behavior creates a false sense of security and happiness, causing the victim to develop an intense emotional connection.

2. Devaluation: The dynamic shifts, and the abuser begins to devalue the victim. They may criticize, belittle, or even engage in physical or emotional abuse. Despite the mistreatment, the victim clings to the memories of the initial idealization, hoping to regain the abuser’s love and affection.

3. Hoovering: The abuser works to maintain control and keep the victim trapped in the relationship. They may apologize, promise to change, or use manipulative tactics to make the victim believe that things will improve. This phase reinforces the bond, as the victim desperately seeks validation and the restoration of the initial idealization.

Idealization, devaluation and hoovering are often associated with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Causes of Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding can occur in abusive relationships of all kinds, including those involving intimate partners, family members, or even cult leaders.

Several factors contribute to the development and perpetuation of trauma bonds:

1. Intermittent Reinforcement: The cycle described above creates a pattern of intermittent reinforcement. The sporadic moments of love and affection amidst the abuse create a strong emotional response, reinforcing the bond with the abuser.

2. Survival Mechanism: In some cases, victims may believe that staying connected to the abuser increases their chances of survival or reduces the severity of the abuse.

3. Childhood Experiences: Childhood experiences play a significant role in shaping adult relationships. Those who experienced abuse or neglect during their formative years may be more susceptible to trauma bonding in adulthood.

Breaking Free

Escaping the grip of trauma bonding can be challenging, but it is possible with the right support and resources.

Here are some steps to help break the cycle and regain freedom from abuse:

1. Recognize the Abuse: Acknowledge that you are in an abusive relationship and that the cycle of trauma bonding is not healthy. Educate yourself about trauma bonding to better understand your situation.

2. Seek Support: Reach out to trusted friends, family, or professionals who can provide emotional support and guidance. Therapists specializing in trauma can help you navigate the complex emotions and empower you to break free.

3. No Contact or Limited Contact: If possible, cut off contact with the abuser completely. If complete separation is not feasible, establish strict boundaries and limit interactions to minimize the abuser’s influence over you.

4. Self-Care and Healing: Focus on self-care and healing. Engage in activities that bring you joy, practice self-compassion, and explore therapy modalities such as cognitive-behavioral therapy or trauma-focused therapy.

Trauma bonding is a complex emotional attachment that keeps victims trapped in abusive relationships.

Recognizing the signs, seeking support, and taking steps towards healing are essential to break free.

You deserve love, respect, and a healthy relationship devoid of abuse.

Please also read:

The High Price of Emotional Blackmail

PTSD, Hypervigilance and Trauma

Hyper-Independence and Trauma

How to Know It’s Arrested Development: Compelling Facts

Thank you as always for reading.

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KindCompassCoach

Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a private sector corporate executive and 15 years as a consultant. The common thread through her professional life has been a commitment to compassionate coaching and leadership, including mentoring early and mid-career professionals as well as current and future executives and leaders. KindCompassCoach articles are backed by research and include facts and advice from relevant experts. Joan is a member of the International Organization of Life Coaches, serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.