Do You Have Trust Issues? How to Restore Intimacy

Do you have trust issues? When we cannot or do not trust those close to us, it is difficult (if not impossible) for our relationship with that person to thrive and grow. In fact, relationships that lack trust can never be truly intimate or fulfilling. So, learning to take that risk, to trust someone, maybe even before they have proven worthy of it, can be a positive step towards a healthier relationship.

On the other hand, if we trust people too readily, we may get hurt.  Often.

And if and when someone betrays our trust, it may make us hesitant to trust others, even if when they may have earned our trust, in the future. That doesn’t serve us well, either.

Being either too quick or too slow to trust can set us up for distress.

So, it’s important to understand our own willingness to trust others, what may be driving it, and how to adjust our expectations and openness appropriately as relationships form and evolve.

How to Define Trust

There are many ways to define trust. Considerations differ depending on the relationship we are considering.

We may trust a babysitter to care for our children, but we wouldn’t trust them to work on our car engine.

Or we may trust a significant other to be loyal to us romantically, but we may not trust them to remember to pick up the dry cleaning.

As I read up on various definitions, I found one that struck me as particularly meaningful.

This definition stated that when you feel safe being vulnerable with another person, there is trust in that relationship.

This, to me, is the essence of what we hope and wish to find in our relationships with others.

What else should we include in this definition?

Our belief that another person will be honest and open; to not withhold information that is important for us to know, and that they will not intentionally mislead us.

More broadly, we believe that another person will consider our well-being when they choose to act.

We think they will consider our welfare and feelings when they make choices and decisions. We also believe that they will not intentionally do us harm.

What Causes Us to Develop Trust Issues

No wonder then, that when someone we trust betrays us, it can be difficult to trust again.

Although this is a common reason, we find it difficult to put our faith in others, it’s not the only one.

Below are several other reasons to consider.

Read on and consider: are any of these circumstances influencing your ability to trust others close to you?

How Childhood Experiences May Cause Trust Issues

Some of us are more wary from childhood. It can be because we are genetically predisposed to be this way, but more often, this characteristic results from our early life experiences.

For example, if our parents did not consistently meet our needs, or keep their promises, we learned to not believe what others say.

Our ability to do so is even more compromised if we were verbally, physically or sexually abused.

The parent-child relationship is supposed to be safe.

If our relationship with our parents was not safe, and we have not had adequate care or intervention, it may impact our ability to trust others for the rest of our lives.

Misunderstandings May Lead to Trust Issues

When communication in a relationship is unclear, we make assumptions about behaviors that are acceptable or not acceptable; what inherent “rules” and promises exist, and those that don’t.

For example, when a couple begins dating. One may assume the relationship is exclusive, another may not.

The relationship may be impacted if expectations are not in alignment, and one person inadvertently hurts another.

Unhealthy Relationships May Lead Us to Not Trust Others

When our significant other or spouse is cruel, abusive, indifferent, or overly critical, it can lead us to fear them to protect ourselves. 

As with the child/parent relationship, our romantic partnerships and friendships are supposed to be safe.

When we begin to feel hurt or diminished or unseen or suffer more acute forms of abuse in a relationship, that safety and security is compromised.

As a result, we find it difficult to trust others, too, whether or not they are worthy of it.

How to Build Trust in Relationships 

Whether we wish to build our own ability to trust, or we hope to build that propensity in others close to us, there are things we can do to resolve trust issues.

These actions take courage, but taking the chance may eventually help us to resolve trust issues and build trust with others who are worthy.

• It’s challenging, so make a conscious effort to meet new people without fear or expectations. Don’t bring baggage from prior relationships into today’s new experiences, if you can manage it.
• Be authentic and honest. If you don’t like something, say so. Don’t say yes out of obligation. Say no when something doesn’t work for you. Be genuine, kind, and straightforward.
• Become more self-aware of your own trustworthiness. Are you someone others can count on? Does your word carry weight? Being someone who can be trusted attracts people who can be trusted, too.
• Check your thought patterns. Short circuit your own thinking when it serves you to do so. When you notice your internal voice saying something such as: “He says he’ll call me, but he probably won’t”; “She said she’d share my resume, but she was probably just saying that.” Imagine that others will do as they say and they are, in fact, more likely to do so.
• Take your time, but eventually, be open to true intimacy.
• Analyze the past… to a point. When someone has betrayed your trust, were there signals you missed? What could you do differently in the future to get a better picture of someone’s trustworthiness? Try to keep it academic, observational. The key is to learn from our prior relationships without getting stuck in the past.
• If you experienced prior abuse that may be preventing you from trusting others, seek professional counseling. Finding a supportive and helpful therapist may change your life.

Trust is the holy grail in a relationship.

If you’ve found it with someone, do whatever you can to nurture and cherish your bond with that person.

The intimacy and fulfillment we find in healthy relationships with those we love and care about knows no equal.

So, try to be brave. Give new people a chance. Be there for others.

Keep your promises.

Often, the rest will take care of itself.

Thank you as always for reading.

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KindCompassCoach

Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a private sector corporate executive and 15 years (and counting) as a consultant and coach. The common thread through her professional life has been a commitment to compassionate leadership, including leading and mentoring current and future leaders, and women from all walks of life. KindCompassCoach articles are backed by research and include facts and advice from a wide variety of experts. Joan is a member of the International Organization of Life Coaches, serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.