Welcome to How to Find Happiness in 10 Weeks or Less, Week 7: What You Need to Know about Healthy Relationships.

“Our relationship with ourselves sets the tone for every other relationship in our lives.” – Robert Holden

This quote says it all! What a perfect way for us to start off this post, which focuses on healthy relationships.

Truly, the nature of our relationship with ourselves is a great predictor of how healthy and fulfilling our other relationships will be.

How we speak to ourselves, whether we are kind to ourselves, how understanding we are of our own short-comings – all these things are clues to how we will engage with others.

What You Need to Know About Healthy Relationships

A Healthy Relationship With Ourselves Comes First

If we do not have a healthy, loving relationship with ourselves, there are many downstream impacts. 

If we don’t love ourselves, we don’t feel worthy of love, joy, affection, approval and kindness from others. 

And if we don’t feel worthy of those things, we are incapable of sincerely giving those gifts to others.

The way I picture it, the peace inside that results from a healthy relationship with ourselves somehow powers an abundance of gifts; a generosity of spirit that otherwise can’t be achieved.

So we must do our best to be kind and understanding to ourselves. 

Not just for our own benefit, but also for the benefit of our loved ones.

To help us be the best parent, sibling, child and friend to those we hold most dear. 

To fuel those other relationships with healthy emotions and attitudes.

We all benefit and thrive from more loving kindness within us and around us.

A Healthy Relationship With Ourselves Requires Self-Compassion

Perhaps the most essential quality of a healthy relationship with ourselves is self-compassion. What does self-compassion look like?

Here are a few examples:

• Being self-compassionate is about treating ourselves fairly; it’s not about being easy on ourselves. 
• Being self-compassionate is about acknowledging that being ourselves is not only our right, but our duty.  We each have a unique and valuable purpose and we must honor that.
• Being self-compassionate is about giving ourselves the same level of understanding we give to others, and especially not judging ourselves harshly in difficult circumstances. Or neglecting our own personal wants and needs.
• Self-compassion is about giving ourselves “the benefit of the doubt” – and forgiving ourselves when we make mistakes.

Healthy Relationships with Others

It may seem self-evident but having healthy relationships with others is also essential to our well-being.

Humans are social creatures. We thrive when we interact.

We crave support and bonding and connectivity and are at our best when our lives include a wide range of relationships.

Friendships, romantic relationships, professional relationships with colleagues, and relationships with other acquaintances or peers with whom we share common interests – all of these types of relationships bring value to our lives and will help us on our road to happiness and contentment.

Keys To Healthy Relationships with Others

One reason why a sound relationship with self is essential to other healthy relationships is because self-love and self-compassion help us to feel comfortable being authentic.

Both authenticity and comfort with vulnerability are critical to achieving intimacy with others, and intimacy is key to healthy relationships.

Many of us dream about what it might be like to confide in another, and to share our true selves without restraint. Our focus is often on finding the right partner or friend.

But it takes more than a willing companion to achieve that intimacy we long for.

In fact, sometimes finding the other person can actually be the easy part. 

More often, the key to having healthy relationships with others lies within us.

Our willingness to open up, take a risk and be ourselves is often the lynchpin to future happiness.

Another key to healthy relationships is to respect what the other person values and appreciates in the relationship, as opposed to assuming they want to be liked or loved the way we do.

Why Intimacy Is Key to Healthy Relationships

When we say intimacy is essential to healthy relationships, we’re not talking about physical intimacy.

We’re talking about being able to share our thoughts, feelings, opinions, insecurities and flaws openly with someone else.

When we have intimate relationships, we can be authentic without fear.

And we must be authentic to have healthy relationships.

A lack of intimate, honest relationships also sets the stage for us to fall victim to exaggerated comparisons to others. 

A lack of intimate relationships means few opportunities to share our fears, troubles, and disappointment with others.

And to hear about their hardships in return.

When we don’t share and hear the bad stuff, it’s easy to believe everyone else’s life is more joyful, happy, and fulfilled than our own.

Intimacy Is Key to Understanding

If our interactions with others are only superficial, it’s especially easy to believe that others are thriving, given the prevalence of social media today.

We get a skewed impression when we only see other’s life highlight reel that appears on Facebook.

When we’re only privy to the “Insta-worthy” moments, it can certainly look like everyone else is successful, having a great time, and looking better than ever. 

But the truth is, most of us are struggling, in one way or another.

When we realize that, and share our burdens, and embrace our challenges together we all become stronger.

And when the respect and honesty is mutual and strong and ingrained with kindness, it creates the environment where we are all more likely to be happy and content.

Regardless of our circumstances.

And that’s the key.

Why We Must Seek Intimacy

Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, and having more intimate, open conversations can help shine that light on others true circumstances.  It can also help us avoid those pitfalls of uninformed comparisons that can make us feel poorly and feed our tendency to judge others too harshly. 

In short, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and transparent helps us to become more compassionate and kinder, both to others and to ourselves. 

But allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is challenging and takes courage.

When was the last time you were truly open and authentic in a conversation? 

Next time you have the opportunity to take this risk, do it. 

Let’s consciously seek out people who make us feel safe and who we can have intimate discussions with. 

Let’s make more time for them.  Because they deserve more of us.

Privacy vs. Secrecy in Healthy Relationships

Finding a balance between being transparent, open and honest, while preserving our right to personal privacy, can be tricky. But is another key to healthy relationships.

Recognizing the difference between privacy and secrecy and respecting personal boundaries of one another is critical.

We each need to maintain healthy boundaries to preserve our own identities yet not “lose ourselves” in a relationship.

Avoiding secrets is key, too. Secrets of almost any kind lead to diminished trust.

Diminished trust creates a situation where others may question our motives and actions. This may in turn may lead them to invade our privacy.

In a previous post, we covered the seven key differences between privacy and secrecy.

It’s worth repeating them here, because understanding the difference and respecting others right to privacy is so important to healthy relationships.

Differences Between Privacy and Secrecy in Relationships

• Secrecy undermines relationships; privacy enhances them.
• Privacy is a right; secrecy is not.
• A lack of privacy makes us uncomfortable; a lack of secrecy sets us free.
• Privacy establishes healthy boundaries; secrecy builds walls.
• Secrecy generally has an unhealthy motive; wanting privacy does not.
• Secrets lead to increased stress; privacy can be a stress reliever.
• Secrets, if discovered, may result in a negative consequence for another person.

Surrounding Ourselves with Healthy Relationships

Surrounding ourselves with those with whom we share healthy, balanced, positive relationships is essential to our mental and physical health and well-being.

When we do, we experience the wholehearted joy of giving, while also feeling the warmth and the glow of that wonderful gift: the act of being given to. 

There’s nothing like feeling that unconditional support and love we are all so worthy of.

Balanced, positive relationships are those where we sincerely revel in each other’s successes as much as we hope for our own victories.

Do you have a friend or loved one who you must call when something special happens?

Someone who can make your day when she tells you something joyful that has happened to her?

Let’s identify these relationships because they are the ones that deserve our best energy, effort, and care.

Who are the people that come to mind when you think of healthy, balanced relationships in your life? 

Do they know how much you adore them? If not: tell them today.

Why Healthy Friendships Are Essential

It’s common sense: friendships make us feel good, so they must be good for us, right?

Our friends help us enjoy life by sharing fun experiences and providing companionship.

Friends can also be a sounding board when we face challenges or need to make difficult decisions.

Committed friendships also bring many less obvious benefits to us.

And some of those lesser-known benefits may even be essential to our physical health.

Physical Benefits of Friendships

Research has shown that when we spend time with friends our bodies may produce more progesterone, which helps to reduce anxiety and stress.

Reduced stress has a large collection of downstream benefits, including lower risk of heart diseases, stroke, and many other ailments.

There is also a correlation between maintaining friendships and a lower prevalence of obesity and depression.

So, when we are looking to shed a few pounds, or improve our mental health, investing energy in our friendships or devoting time to making new friends may be just the ticket.

Other Benefits of Healthy Relationships: Friendships

But the benefits to friendships don’t end with our health.

It turns out, women who have supportive relationships with other women are more likely to reach leadership positions.

So, making friends and maintaining friendships is also good for our careers.

The evolutionary theory behind this is interesting.

Scientists believe that in prehistoric times, having a companion who would risk their life for us increased the likelihood of our own survival.

And friendships are the major way we build bonds with people outside our family.

Strangers are less likely to put themselves at risk for our benefit, so just being around others doesn’t cut it.

That puts friendships in a whole different light, doesn’t it?

It’s Hard to Make Friends

As we age, it often takes more energy, initiative and creativity to seek out others with whom we share a common interest.

But these days, it seems like it’s harder for most of us, regardless of our generation, to make friends.

If you feel you may benefit from widening your circle of friends, here are some suggestions about how to get started – even during a pandemic.

How To Find Friends at Any Age

• Volunteer: For this to work well, we must choose an organization with a cause that means something to us. That way, we’re more likely to meet people that share our passions.
• Form a virtual book club: Maybe pick a theme of books that will bring together others who share an interest. I’ve thought it would be awesome to start a “cookbook” club – to meet others who love to cook and who have cook book or recipe suggestions.
• Seek out an outing club that sponsors socially distant, outdoor meet ups: Do you love to hike? Rock-climb? Bike ride? Technology has made it easier to find a group who share your interests.

Healthy Relationships: Let’s Wrap It Up!

See below for questions that may help you begin to better assess your relationship with yourself and your relationships with others.

How would you describe your relationship with yourself?	Do you judge yourself harshly when you make a mistake or fail?
What words would you use to describe your inner voice?	Describe 2 recent situations where you exhibited self-compassion.
Do you allow yourself to be vulnerable with your loved ones?	Are you more open with friends or romantic partners? Your spouse or your children?
Name the three most important relationships in your life.	How would you describe those relationships?
Which relationship in your life do you consider the healthiest? Why?	Which relationship in your life needs the most work? What actions will you take to address it? Is there someone whom you may owe an apology?
Name five characteristics that describe the authentic you.	Who will you open up to this week to become more authentic?
What three things can you do this week to broaden your range of friendships?	Do you have friends, colleagues, and acquaintances with shared interests in your life?
Do you see obstacles related to relationships on your path to happiness and contentment? What are they?	What strategies will you use to help overcome those obstacles and move forward?

Have you gained some insights into your relationship with yourself and others?

Please leave a comment and share what you have learned with the rest of us. After all, we are all on this journey together – and we are all so much more than enough.

We’re going to tackle a prickly issue in How to Find Happiness in 10 Weeks or Less, Week 8: How to Use Money to Buy Happiness (Yes, you read that right!).

Thank you, as always, for reading.

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