The concept of being “low maintenance” is often celebrated, as a symbol of resilience and ease. But priding oneself on being low maintenance can inadvertently perpetuate harmful stereotypes. It also undermines the value of vulnerability and authentic expression. And fosters a culture of emotional suppression and neglect.
Today, we challenge the conventional wisdom surrounding the ideal of being low maintenance. We also explore the nuances, limitations, and implications of this mindset on our relationships, self-worth, and overall happiness.
What It Means to be Low Maintenance
When you hear the term “low maintenance”, what comes to mind?
Maybe a garden that doesn’t require much tending? Or a haircut that needs little attention? Maybe it’s a car that doesn’t require service very often.
As people, we often consider being low maintenance a desirable quality.
Why do we pride ourselves on requiring so little from ourselves and from others?
How does being low maintenance serve us?
What It Means to Be High Maintenance
We all probably have a vivid picture of what high maintenance people are like. They are particular and picky. Maybe there’s a dash of “drama queen” thrown in.
Most of us would agree, behaving like a diva is not desirable.
No one wants to be perceived as being overly demanding.
Nor would we want to be the type of person who puts unreasonable burdens on others.
But somehow, many of us assume that requiring nurturing, kindness, love and thoughtfulness equates to being high maintenance.
Why do we think being respectful of our own needs for attention and nourishment is reason to think of ourselves as unpleasant?
Isn’t it the essence of being human to want affection and support and consideration from families and friends?
And to provide it to them in return?
Being “Low Maintenance” Is Not the Same as Living Simply
Many people strive to have a life that is minimalistic, with few trappings and complexities.
These lifestyle choices are often rooted in a desire to keep things simple.
To minimize effort around facets of our lives we may not, as individuals, see as priorities.
For example, having a modest home, being content with basic dining or without excessive material possessions can be very fulfilling.
If this is the type of lifestyle in which we naturally thrive.
What Being Low Maintenance Means
Being a low maintenance person is very different.
A low maintenance person rarely complains, usually “goes with the flow”, and requires little attention or consideration.
They often accept more than their fair share of responsibility at work and at home.
In addition, they are not likely to voice their own preferences or concerns.
Especially if they are in conflict with the thoughts of family members, friends, or co-workers.
Being a low maintenance person is similar to being a people pleaser.
Low maintenance people want others to be happy and not bothered.
Even at the expense of their own happiness or contentment.
Why Do We Become This Way?
Why do so many of us strive to be low maintenance? For many, the habit began in childhood.
A child tends to suppress their desires, opinions, emotions, and disagreement if they are taught to do so.
Few parents intentionally stifle their children’s emotional development in this way. But nevertheless, many of them do.
Children of Alcoholics and Substance Abusers
Some of the more extreme situations include children of adults who have alcohol or substance abuse problems.
These children must be more responsible from an early age.
They may tend to squash their own needs in the process.
Similarly, children who are otherwise abused or neglected may grow into low maintenance adults.
There are many less extreme situations that can cause children to grow up to be low maintenance adults, too.
Other Reasons Why Children Become Low Maintenance Adults
These parenting behaviors and situations are less obvious yet occur frequently. For example:
- When parents frequently downplay a child’s feelings. They tell them to be tough, or “get over it”.
- If parents “make fun” of their child through labelling or name-calling (perhaps attempting to motivate them via criticism or humiliation?)
- When a parent neglects a child in intangible ways. Not providing them attention or noticing how they are feeling.
- If a child has difficulty making friends, they may begin to behave in low maintenance ways. This is to cultivate the impression that they don’t require much in return for friendship.
- Children may make a conscious effort to be low maintenance. Especially when they have a special needs sibling or family member who requires extraordinary care.
Why Being Low Maintenance Is a Problem
Many children who grow up learning that being low maintenance is a virtue may suppress their true feelings. Lose touch with who they truly are.
They may even find it difficult to accurately describe or identify their own emotions.
This tendency creates a situation where a child (or adult) can experience a serious identity crisis.
When we enter relationships as a low maintenance person, it has challenging consequences.
Someone who enters a relationship with someone who needs little are not likely to be pleased if and when that person re-discovers their own self and voices a need for more nurturing, care or attention.
Staying in the relationship will likely mean a future of continued unmet needs, in the absence of a willing partner, and effective therapy.
Find a Workbook to Help You Become More Assertive
The Impact
Those of us who are quite low maintenance may believe that we simply don’t need as much as others do.
That we’re content with circumstances driven by other people with more critical demands.
But the truth is, if we dig deep, we will probably find that we’re hiding behind that low maintenance identity due to one overarching emotion: fear.
- We worry that we will be rejected if we make demands on others.
- Anticipate that we will be abandoned by friends or family if we challenge them or disagree.
- Imagine unrealistic extreme negative consequences from actions of moderate assertiveness.
- Believe that people who love us only do so because of our low-maintenance, people-pleasing ways.
Prompts to Get You Thinking
Sometimes it helps to answer questions to help voice your inner feelings and identity. Use these prompts as food for thought. Try to determine if you are low maintenance, and what to do about it.
- When friends plan to go out together, do you suggest a place, or let the group decide?
- Do you know what kind of foods you truly love? How often do you eat them?
- Are chores evenly divided among the people in your household or apartment?
- When was the last time you did something just because you wanted to do it?
- How long has it been since you held your ground on issue that was important to you, despite disagreement from others?
- When you are together with your immediate family, do you feel as though you are heard?
- Imagine yourself disagreeing with someone close to you. How does it make you feel?
- Do you ever feel taken advantage of at home or at work or in your friend group?
- Did any of the high-risk scenarios described fit your background? Does the low maintenance concept resonate with you?
- Are there specific people in your life who tend to make you want to behave low maintenance, and others who make you feel more comfortable with?
So, Are You Low Maintenance?
If so, do you have a sense of why?
Is there fear, perhaps an echo from when you were a child, preventing you from voicing your own mind?
It’s time to take the risk. Dig deep, find the courage. To begin to ask for what you want, not just what you need.
Remind Yourself of Your Worth and Enjoy a Small Self-Care Treat Today
Move ahead. Embrace the possibilities. Realize you are as valuable as everyone else.
You are worthy of not just existence, but a life full of relationships that facilitate your ability to thrive.
Thank you as always for reading.
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Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Joan’s career includes clinical healthcare plus 20+ years as an executive in a nationwide health care system and 15 years as a consultant. The common threads throughout Joan’s personal and professional life are a commitment to non-profit organizations, mental health, compassionate coaching, professional development and servant leadership. Joan has had the privilege of mentoring early and mid-career professionals as well as current and future executives and leaders. She is a member of the International Organization of Life Coaches, serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is also a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me. You can read more about Joan here: Joan Senio.
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