Privacy and Secrecy: How to Tell the Difference

In an earlier post, we wrote about how essential transparency is to relationships. In that piece, we talked about being honest with ourselves as the first step to having more open and honest relationships. This post focuses on another aspect of transparency. Specifically, how privacy and secrecy are connected and how they both are key to healthy relationships.

Beyond being transparent with ourselves, healthy relationships require us to open up about our own intimate feelings. But, how much?

How to Tell the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy

How do we get the privacy we require without “keeping secrets”?

What I ultimately came around to realize is this.

• There are key differences between privacy and secrecy.
• One can be devastating to a relationship.
• The other is essential to a healthy relationship.
• One major reason privacy is so important is that it helps enable us to maintain our own personal identity in a relationship.

7 Ways Privacy and Secrecy Differ

1. Privacy is a right; secrecy is not.

We’re each entitled to our own privacy. What we consider private will differ among us.

For example, some of us may prefer to dress in private; others may not have any compunction about doing it out in the open.

And we’re each entitled to privacy when tending to personal hygiene, if we want it.

We are not, however, entitled to keep secrets that may harm another person if they were to find out about them.

Secrecy is often driven by shame and fear. Privacy is often needed to establish healthy boundaries.

2. Privacy and Secrecy Differ: Secrecy undermines relationships; privacy enhances them.

Keeping secrets of almost any kind undermines trust. There’s the rare exception.

For example, when we buy a gift, or plan a surprise party for someone.

These are harmless secrets about acts intended to ultimately please another.

But most secrets will cause harm if they are discovered.

For example, a common subject where people keep secrets is related to personal finances. This behavior is often driven by “money shame”, whether it be rooted in credit card debt or purchases we regret.

But keeping secrets about money (regardless of the reason) can badly undermine a relationship with our spouse or significant other.

As opposed to secrecy, privacy actually enhances our personal relationships.

When we have no private life, we begin to lose our identity and individuality.

And our individuality is what makes us a complement to another person as opposed to being an extension of them.

3. A lack of privacy makes us uncomfortable; a lack of secrecy sets us free.

If we think of the terms we use to describe our need for privacy (for example, “feeling like our privacy is invaded”), it’s clear privacy is a basic human need.

We each exist independently.

When we are deprived of privacy for too long, we may begin to feel as though we’re under attack.

A lack of secrecy, on the other hand, is freeing and pleasant. Without any secrets, we can more readily allow ourselves to be open, honest, and transparent without fear.

4. Privacy and Secrecy Differ: Privacy establishes healthy boundaries; secrecy builds walls.

Recognizing another’s right to privacy demonstrates respect. It also communicates trust.

Both of these things help nurture a relationship while preserving our own identity.

Violating a significant other’s right to privacy can be a sign of unhealthy boundaries and an overly controlling partner.

Secrecy undermines trust. If we have a secret, it often shows in our demeanor and behaviors.

When our partners don’t know what secret we are keeping, it undermines trust throughout the relationship.

Also, when we have secrets, we may become defensive, and unconsciously build walls around us.

5. Privacy and Secrecy Differ: Secrecy generally has an unhealthy motive; wanting privacy does not.

If we are keeping a secret, it is often due to either shame or fear. We’re afraid what will happen if it is divulged. Wanting privacy has no unhealthy motive; it is simply a normal human need.

6. Secrets lead to increased stress; privacy can be a stress reliever.

When we keep secrets, we are always on guard.

We have to be careful about what we say and do to avoid divulging information that we believe will cause us harm.

The phrase “enjoying our privacy” says it all – having time to ourselves, enjoying a hobby of our own, writing in a journal, or just being alone with our own thoughts can be incredibly therapeutic.

7. Privacy and Secrecy Differ: Secrets, if discovered, may result in a negative consequence for another person.

For example, withholding information about financial issues or having an inappropriate relationship outside of our marriage would hurt our spouse. However, we are each entitled to privacy about physical matters or harmless thoughts and fantasies – they do not pose a threat to anyone.

To read more about privacy and secrecy in marriage, check out: How to Balance Privacy and Secrecy in Marriage.

Privacy and Secrecy Summary

Finding a balance between being transparent, open and honest, while preserving our right to personal privacy, can be tricky but is essential to healthy relationships.

So, recognizing the difference between privacy and secrecy is critical.

We each need to maintain healthy boundaries to preserve our own identities yet not “lose ourselves” in a relationship.

But avoiding secrets is key, too. Secrets of almost any kind may lead to diminished trust.

Diminished trust creates a situation where others may question our motives and actions. This may in turn may lead to them invade our privacy.

This cycle is difficult if not impossible to break; so best not to let it begin.

In short, secrets are simply not good for the keeper or the person in the dark!

Let’s commit to give each other the privacy we need and deserve.

So, let’s agree to give each other the privacy we deserve while avoiding secrets that may cause another harm. Let’s reflect on our own personal relationships, too.

Are there secrets we are keeping that we should set free?

Are we giving those we love the privacy they are entitled to enjoy?

If not, it may be worth checking this out: Do You Have Trust Issues?

Other articles you may be interested in:

Secrets: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

How to Find Closure for Past Relationships

Is Love at First Sight Real?

Let’s be sure to pay attention to the difference between privacy and secrecy in our relationships.

And let’s do our best to be kind and compassionate to ourselves and others as we reflect on what we may be able to do to nurture relationships with those we hold most dear, always remembering, we are so much more than enough.

Thank you as always for reading.

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KindCompassCoach

Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a private sector corporate executive and 15 years as a consultant. The common thread through her professional life has been a commitment to compassionate coaching and leadership, including mentoring early and mid-career professionals as well as current and future executives and leaders. KindCompassCoach articles are backed by research and include facts and advice from relevant experts. Joan is a member of the International Organization of Life Coaches, serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.