How to Use Money to Buy Happiness

Welcome to How to Find Happiness, Lesson 8: How to Use Money to Buy Happiness.

We hope you are finding this series useful and interesting. Money and related issues are often at the root of our most difficult internal conflicts, and also out conflicts with loved ones. It’s important we get our financial house in order on this road to contentment and enhanced well-being. So, this week, we’ll focus on money and happiness.

How to Find Happiness, Lesson 8: How to Use Money to Buy Happiness

This week, we will tackle money issues, which are key to our journey, and the relationship between money and happiness.

There are a few schools of thought about the relationship between money and happiness – and it’s important for each of us to understand how we want to think about money in this context.

First, money is often at the center of conflicts, either in our own minds or between us and others close to us, including our spouse, family and friends.

Second, we each have a different relationship with money, and for many of us that relationship includes at least some element of shame. We will talk about the specific types of money shame so that we can do our best to shed those additional burdens.

So, let’s get right to it.

What do you think about money and happiness?

Lesson 8: Money and Happiness

People say it all the time: “Money Can’t Buy Happiness.” Do you agree?

It’s undeniably true: money, all by itself, does not guarantee a happy life. But the answer to the question “Can Money Buy You Happiness?” is more complicated than a simple yes or no. So, let’s dig into a little more.

Economists and psychologists have invested tremendous time, energy and resources trying to crack this nut.

What are the drivers of happiness, and how, specifically, is money connected to life satisfaction and contentment?

The answers they have uncovered are enlightening, encouraging and confounding at the same time.

This first basic insight I found in the research on money and happiness is that the answer to this question has more to do with the nature of we humans, than it has to do with how we feel about money in particular.

The thing is, we people are just never satisfied.

Whether we’re talking about money, relationships, family matters, or our careers – we often tend to yearn for the next, better thing, no matter how good things are.

As far as money is concerned, we often believe that financial peace of mind or satisfaction may be just around the corner: “One more raise, another promotion, and then I’ll be happy”, etc.

But when those things happen – they do not satisfy us. Why, you ask?

Money and Happiness: Humans Tend to Always Want More

As we acquire more, we want more. This is not a character flaw that we have as individuals – it’s basic human nature. Another thing that’s branded into our DNA is this: once we meet our basic needs, we continue to want more, howevert we get less joy from the added income, possessions, treats, or luxuries.

Why?

For one, we overestimate the pleasure we’ll get from more, because of our ability to adapt.

Our ability to adapt is a great advantage to our species during times of climate change (think ice age here), pandemics and other disasters.

But our adaptability also means that when good things happen, we quickly adjust and see our circumstances as our “new normal”.

As soon as we get used to new purchases, higher income, a new car, or achieving a “personal best” for one of our goals, our happiness reverts back to its previous level.

We Believe More Will Make Us Happier

As a species, we are quite adaptable. This is an instinctual, subconscious behavior. Unfortunately, we don’t always reason very well in the midst of our adaptation. So often, we believe that we’re not satisfied (or “happy”) because we bought the wrong toy, or because we need still more money to reach our nirvana.

And so the cycle continues, and our drive to have more, be more, achieve more, meet someone better, etc., intensifies.

To make matters worse, the trade-offs we make along the way often increase stress.

For example, promotions may result in expanded job responsibilities, travel requirements, or other changes that reduce quality of life.

Or a new car payment may mean we have to work overtime. Or we look for a “better” significant other, which strains or even devastates an existing relationship.

Money Doesn’t Meet Our Emotional Needs

Money (or that which it buys us) doesn’t necessarily bring us happiness for many reasons. A significant one is this: we are seeking to fill a void through acquisition of material things that simply can’t be filled in that way.

The real emptiness we feel may be due to a lack of self-love, quality relationships, companionship, or some other unmet need.

In short, the cure we’re prescribing doesn’t soothe the ailment that we have – so it doesn’t help us feel better. No number of possessions will remedy feelings of inadequacy or low self-worth.

We Compare Ourselves to Others

Humans have another trait that doesn’t do us any favors: we have a natural tendency to compare ourselves to our peers. The people we work with, our neighbors, friends from college or childhood.

We compare our stuff to their stuff, our financial situation and purchasing power to theirs – and it’s not good for us when we do.

Because we want to do better than others; we want to look at what they have, and feel that we have as much or more. Not because we are mean-spirited, but because we want to feel competent and capable and successful.

Again, this is not an individual character flaw – if you suffer from it, don’t beat yourself up about it.

It’s built into our DNA. This trait of us humans is one of the reasons why our species has successfully evolved and survived over time (think survival of the fittest). But boy, it sure can throw a monkey wrench into our ability to be happy.

All of this seems to support the argument – “Money can’t buy happiness”, but as noted above, there’s more to this story.

Money and Happiness

Money can play a role in improving happiness. But first, we must know what makes us happier, to begin with. It’s not the cash, but what we do with it, that can drive a positive change.

It is rare for new or more possessions to result in sustained improved happiness levels.

The latest research has shown what we probably all really knew from the beginning: true happiness is primarily driven by friends, family, and healthy relationships with ourselves and others. So where does money fit in?

There are, in fact, a few “investments” that are more likely to bring happiness.

So, to increase the odds of a positive impact we may want to consider spending what we can afford in these areas.

Money Spent on Experiences Is Well Spent

One reason experiences create more lasting happiness than possessions is because of our tendency to remember the high points of our adventures.

We tend to exaggerate, in our own minds, how pleasant an experience was.

There may have been difficulties, but they are not what stand out in our recollections, or in the stories we tell about those experiences.

Our photos also reinforce the best parts of our outings, travel and special events.

We subconsciously “mute” the bad stuff and remember the best of it.

An experience such as travelling to a new place is something that is wonderful while it is happening, but it also continues to create enjoyment as a result of the happy memories that can last a lifetime.

So, when we use money to buy experiences, money does, indirectly, buy us some happiness.

Money and Happiness: How to Use Money to Buy Time

Another expense that is likely to bring us happiness is any service that provides us more time to spend with family and friends. For example, hiring a cleaning service makes us happier than buying a new car.

Other examples of money well spent include grocery or meal services, virtual assistants, and the like.

In short, anything that enables us to spend more quality time with the most important people in our lives is a winner.

Spending Money on Gifts

In another study, researchers gave students cash. One group was told to spend it on themselves.

The other group was told to buy something for someone else. Guess who was happier?

The old adage, “‘Tis better to give than receive” held up here.

Giving makes us feel good about ourselves and also helps us to feel more connected to the gift recipient.

So, spending on a nice gift for someone we love is more likely to make us happy than spending that same amount on a new personal possession.

Happiness: One Key is to Limit Spending

But always, no matter what, we must spend within our means.

When we cross the line into spending more than we can afford, the downside quickly overtakes the benefits.

No possession, experience, or gift is worth the mental stress and pressure created by carrying debt.

So we must develop a realistic, conservative budget and spend only what we can afford on things that matter.

Money can’t necessarily buy us happiness, but debt is a definite direct path in the other direction!

So we mustn’t invest in experiences, services or gifts that we can’t afford.

They may bring a short initial buzz, but the hangover is not worth it.

Another sure-fire money-happiness strategy is to sock away some savings. The comfort and security that results helps us all me more peaceful and content.

Money and Shame

For each of us, the connection between money and happiness is probably a little different, but one thing many of us have in common is that our relationship contains an element of shame.

Shame is one of the most degrading, negative and debilitating emotions.

Yet many of us feel it every day related to how we spend and manage our money.

The roots of the feelings vary but the existence of them is very common.

And one thing is certain for all of us – we need to do what we can to eliminate shame – there is simply no up-side to feeling it.

Where Does Money Shame Come From?

Sometimes our money shame is rooted in our spending habits and debts.

Sometimes it’s more about not knowing the basics of savings or investing and feeling ignorant or uninformed.

Which can also make us feel anxious whenever the subject arises.

Or shame can be rooted in the feeling “I’m not good with money” or “I’m not good with numbers” – a myth that may have started as a result of a label we adopted early in life, that we continue to reinforce in our own minds.

Negative feelings can also originate from being taught that having money is “bad” or selfish; after all – many of us were taught to believe that it is the root of all evil!

Happiness: No Place for Shame and Secrecy

Insecurity about money can also lead to mistrust and secrecy – if money is a topic we fear, we may not talk about it, with our partner or family members.

Lack of transparency about anything means more guilt, even more shame, and unhappiness.

It doesn’t matter how old we are, how successful we are, or how much money we have in the bank – we’re all susceptible to money shame.

Why We Must Eradicate Shame

If we experience money shame, we must strive to overcome it. Here are 5 reasons why:

• Feelings of money shame, or shame of any kind are inherently negative – they can and will contribute to feelings of poor self-worth and self-esteem.
• Money is not good or bad – attaching some value of our own worth to how much money we make or spend is wrong. It creates an environment of conditional love – with ourselves.
• Money shame is not a route to a solution for money challenges or difficulties. Instead, it reinforces our belief that we don’t have the skill or capabilities required to solve our own problems effectively.
• Feeling shameful about our own money and attitudes about money encourages us to compare ourselves to others. This leads to negative thoughts; if we’re insecure about money and equate it to a barometer of success, we will tend to envy those who appear to make more money, manage their money better, or who have more material possessions than we do.
• Investing energy in money shame means we focus less on the blessings in our lives. Money shame does not encourage us to be grateful, generous or kind. It only encourages us to think poorly of ourselves and others.

Overcoming Shame

If you have conquered fears and shame and feel that you have a healthy relationship with money, that is an amazing gift.

Congratulations and keep up the good work! For the rest of us: well, the answers are not easy.

And they vary quite a bit depending on the nature of our shame.

Some of us may feel badly because we’ve incurred debt.

Others may feel guilty because we’ve mishandled the money we have, or because we make more money than we feel we deserve.

But, regardless of the root cause of our money shame, much of what we can do to overcome it begins with our thoughts and our choices.

If you believe your money shame is rooted in a need to be better educated about money, check out:

Financial Self-Confidence: 7 Easy Steps to Being a Financial Badass

Using Positive Self-Talk to Overcome Shame

We can begin by using positive self-talk to help overcome our shame. When we have a negative internal thought about money, let’s replace it with a positive affirmation instead. “I make good financial decisions.” “I’m sensible in my spending.” “I have debts, but I’m on the road to financial security.”

Remember that idea about creating a face to put with our own internal voice?

Let’s give our internal money voice a face and a name. Perhaps it’s a coach who has given us good advice in the past, a financial expert who we admire, or even just a kind friend or family member. Perhaps it’s Yoda! Whatever works.

How to Make Good Decisions

We talked about discovering our life purpose in an earlier post. The exercises for that week helped us describe our best future life.

So, when we’re about to make a purchase, let’s ask ourselves – is this purchase consistent with my vision of a future life? Does it help me meet my short and long-term goals?

As with most relationships, our relationship with money can be complicated.

Whatever is going on, keep self-love and self-care and kindness front and center. We may have made mistakes in the past with money, but that doesn’t make us bad people, or bad money managers. It just makes us more experienced.

Let’s Wrap It Up!

The table below includes questions to help us dig a little deeper into money issues.

But before we tackle them, pull out your notebook and review your notes from the last few weeks. Which areas of well-being did you decide to focus on? What kind of energy do you need most?

Are there areas of shame and blame you are working to address? Or relationship challenges you wish to overcome? Do you see connections among these topics?

Are you beginning to see any themes that will help you develop a more holistic strategy to achieve future happiness and contentment?

Did you learn anything new about?

The questions below may help us better understand our own relationship with money, and other related issues that may be hindering our happiness.

How do I feel about money?	Are those feelings based in fact?
Are there myths that I carry in my mind about money and happiness?	How do I feel when I have a major financial decision to make? Why?
How transparent am I with financial matters with my spouse, parents, or children?	Are there aspects of money management that intimidate me?
What 3 changes should I make to my own thinking?	Name 3 things that would be a good investment in your personal happiness.
Is there someone who I trust who seems to handle their finances well? What can I learn from them?	Are there debts holding me back from happiness? What strategies could I use to eliminate them over time?
When temptation strikes to make a purchase I can’t afford, what simple phrase will help keep me grounded?	Do I need to make changes to my budget to reduce debt, increase savings, or save for investments?
What three statements sum up my feelings on this subject?	How do I want to change my thinking about money in the future?
Would it help me to get professional financial advice?	Is there an element of shame in my relationship with money? How can I eradicate it?

So, what do you think about the relationship between Money and Happiness?

Did you discover some interesting things about your own financial state of mind? And the relationship between your finances and happiness?

Please leave a comment and share what you are learning with all the rest of us.

And if you’re ready for the next step, check out Lesson 9: How to Use Habits to Boost Happiness to New Heights.

Thank you, as always, for reading.

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