Shame: How to Uncover, Overcome and Release It Forever

Welcome to How to Find Happiness in 10 Weeks or Less, Week 5. Shame: How to Uncover, Overcome and Release It Forever.

We hope you have found the first four posts of this series helpful. In Week 5, we focus on how to make the remainder of our journey to contentment and happiness as positive and efficient as possible, by leaving some emotional baggage behind. In particular, we are going to cover a sensitive topic: our feelings of shame.

How to Find Happiness Week 5: How to Uncover, Overcome and Release Shame

In Weeks 1, 2, and 3, we figured out areas of well-being to focus on, fueled up our energy stores, and educated ourselves about key components of happiness. In Week 4, we began to focus on our life purpose, the road ahead, and our ultimate personal destination for happiness and contentment.

During this, Week 5, we will focus on one important thing we must do to prepare for the remainder of our journey.

This could get a little painful, because we’re going to have to take a hard look at some uncomfortable things. Specifically, our emotional baggage.

Whether or not it is readily apparent, chances are we each have some.

Our major focus this week will be on feelings of shame, and how to overcome them.

This work is absolutely essential if we’re to make progress down the road to happiness and contentment.

So, let’s tackle this difficult subject together.

Emotional Baggage: Shame and Blame

As with any voyage, the more we bring with us, the more cumbersome travelling becomes. We must pack smart and light, bringing along what we need and nothing more, to be as nimble as we can be.

So this week will focus on understanding the added burdens we may be carrying, and figuring out how to relieve ourselves of that which is weighing us down. We will dive into the topic of this emotional baggage, focusing on feelings of shame.

It’s important to approach this week’s exercises with an open mind.

Chances are, we all have some feelings we need to part with, for our own peace and happiness. And it’s also entirely possible that we have lived a long life without realizing it.

What Is Shame?

Shame is an emotion that will not just derail a journey to happiness and contentment; it is so powerful that it can prevent us from even imagining a promising, fulfilling future.

If we can and do imagine a world where life is different, yet continue to harbor feelings of shame, it is still virtually guaranteed that will be unable to move away from our status quo, no matter how much we want to do so.

Have you have spent a good part of life feeling unhappy but are unsure of the roots of those feelings?

It may be because you have unresolved feelings of shame percolating beneath the rest of your emotions. And whether you realize it or not, those feelings may be impacting many aspects of your life.

Even if you feel quite certain that this is not your concern, it’s worth reading this post closely. If it turns out, there is shame there to deal with, this is where you must put your energy before attending to anything else.

What Shame Looks Like

We each have our own mental image of what shame looks and feels like based on our own personal experiences.

Our vision of shame may be a person who is deeply embarrassed or humiliated, cheeks scarlet with blushing.

Or a child or teenager hanging their head, eyes downcast, realizing they have disappointed parents or others.

Shame can also appear as a person looking vulnerable.

Feeling frightened, as they learn someone has discovered something they had kept secret. Afraid others will judge them. Not like them. Or cease to love them.

These pictures capture the essence of shame in the moment.

But they do not convey or illustrate how long lasting the impact of shame may be. Or of how long those feelings of shame may fester within our own minds and souls. Those moments of pain can lead to a lifetime of emptiness and regret, as we struggle to understand why happiness seems to elude us.

Discovering Our Own Shame

Many years ago, I imagined shame as something other people felt. I had no clue that I had vats of my own. Nor did I realize that I was giving shame just the environment it needed to multiply and take root by stuffing it deep down inside of me, where no one would see it.

No one looking at me would have thought “Wow, that woman has some bad stuff locked up inside”.

In fact, probably quite the opposite, most people likely imagined I had things pretty well figured out.

Because I was showing the world what I thought they wanted to see.

I was up to any challenge, but I was quaking inside.

Never passed up an opportunity to take on one more thing, lighten another’s load, over-extending myself to a near breaking point.

Hiding all my stress and exhaustion and pain from preying eyes and even my own reflection.

I needed to do it all, because if I didn’t, I was proving I was worthless.

Needless to say, this environment was not conducive to happiness or contentment. I was living the exact opposite of an authentic life.

And self-love was nowhere to be found.

Why Releasing Shame Is Key to Happiness

Now, decades into my own homework regarding psychology and well-being, I see many things that were invisible to me then. There is still so much work to do, and there always will be. But the life around me seems to be getting better – even though little on the outside of my life has changed. What’s changed (on the inside) is that I uncovered the shame that was down there in very clever hiding spaces and brought it out into the light of day.

Believe it or not, realizing that we have shame that we hold inside is one of the keys to finding happiness and contentment.

It sounds paradoxical, but it’s not. Uncovering the obstacles that block our path to happiness and contentment are essential so that we may get further down the road each time we travel it. So, me discovering my shame and you discovering yours, well, that can be quite an epiphany, a complete game-changer.

Maybe it’s because I want to feel better about my late life discovery, but I have come to believe that each of us has some bit of shame locked up somewhere inside, just waiting to be resolved and released.

Behind those shame barriers are the seeds of future happiness, just waiting to bust through. So, let’s do what we can to surface any feelings that are squelching the chances for all that goodness to prevail.

Questions About Shame

Think back in your life, and painful as it may be, identify times when you experienced shame. These prompts may help bring memories of this kind to the surface:

• Are there things that happened when you were younger that you didn’t have the maturity or experience to handle well?
• Was there a time when you looked the other way instead of confronting another’s wrong doing?
• Did you let someone take advantage of you, and do you now wish you had stood up for yourself?
• Is there anything you have done that may not have been 100% honest or kind?
• Are there words you spoke or actions you took that you wish you could take back?

I’m pretty sure we all have examples floating in our minds right now, because we’re human, and let’s face it – we screw up a lot. We have all had to make tough decisions, sometimes in a split second. And some of our words, actions and decisions have been the wrong ones.

Moving Past Regret

Having done things that we regret is something we can all relate to.

But too often, we lock up the feelings that accompany that regret, and before we know it, we are swallowing big gulps of shame.

We fear what others would do if they knew the worst of us.

We fear losing face, our public persona or image compromised forever. Worst, we fear losing love, especially from those closest to us.

We don’t have the courage to test the strength or veracity of that love, because we don’t have the confidence in our own worthiness. This is the root of shame.

How to Overcome Shame and Find Happiness

It’s difficult to imagine squelching shame but know it can be done.

Try your best to accept this and adopt this belief, because it is essential to move beyond shame to become our best and truest selves.

Living a life permeated by shame makes it impossible to move towards a life of contentedness. And it makes our world so small! Everything we experience is muted and dulled and overpowered and dominated by those shame feelings. In short, shame completely prevents us from experiencing joy.

Finding Self-Compassion Helps Release Shame

The bad news is that chances are good that we will keep making mistakes and perhaps even mess up on a grander scale in the future. The good news is that we can choose to shed shame, embrace forgiveness and forgive ourselves, right now, for all of it, whatever it is.

Because there is a tremendous difference between making a bad decision and being a bad person.

There is no comparison between not finding courage in one moment vs. being a total coward. Or telling one half-truth vs. living a life full of deceit.

We may not have always done the right or best things; but we can decide to be compassionate to the person who made the isolated poor choices sprinkled among the good ones. After all, she did the best she could, as fallible as she is, in the moment.

Self-Compassion Benefits Us as Well as Others

If we can’t do it for ourselves, we must do it for those we love.

Because when we carry guilt and regret, it perpetuates those feelings of shame.

And biologists have proven that while we feel shame, our brains are physically unable to generate positive feelings. As a result, we cannot be sincerely compassionate to others.

In fact, when we feel shame, we tend to project negative behaviors to others we care about, without even realizing we’re doing so.

This doesn’t mean we should push bad memories or disappointments under the rug or create an alternative history where what we did was okay. Quite the opposite.

We must own up to our own short-comings and be honest about where we have been less than our best selves.

And then forgive ourselves for those failings and weaknesses.

They make us human.

Forgiveness

Embracing forgiveness can be the key and the antidote to these very powerful feelings of shame.

In fact, science has proven that when we release anger and negative emotions, our well-being improves right away.

The effect is long-lasting, and others around us feel better, too.

But as we all know, choosing to embrace forgiveness is hard to do.

It’s hard enough to forgive someone else, but it can be almost impossible to do the most essential thing: forgive ourselves.

But we must try.

Because forgiving ourselves is the key to releasing shame.

And releasing shame is one of the keys to finding joy, happiness and contentment.

Finding Forgiveness in the Moment

The best of all worlds would be if we could be mindful enough to cultivate the ability to forgive ourselves in the moment.

Imagine not having to go through the whole cycle of feeling badly, blaming ourselves, and experiencing shame before getting to the place where we accept and forgive ourselves, or others.

Imagine owning up to mistakes as soon as we realize we’ve made them. Immediately knowing it’s okay, and that mistakes don’t make us less worthy of love and happiness.

Picture that world, because that’s the world where we learn to forgive others in the moment, too. And that’s better for everyone.

We owe it to ourselves to acknowledge the times we have not been the best friend to ourselves, forgive ourselves for those times, release the regret and shame, learn our lessons and move on.

Breaking the Shame Cycle

Sometimes, the best way to begin to heal, is to do something to short circuit the shame cycle. Something that validates our worth. That embodies kindness – to and for ourselves. Often, a good start is to write out some comforting thoughts.

Think of yourself as a small child, or a good friend.

How would you comfort her if she shared with you her deepest, darkest secret?

If she admitted, she did not feel worthy of love?

Try it out to see how it feels.

What thoughts do you have to add? If you are so moved, please share them with us in the comments.

If not, write them, release them, and move on.

A wise person once told me “regret is a useless emotion.” And the process to release regret is what it takes to begin to heal from our feelings of shame. We owe ourselves forgiveness and hope for a more contented tomorrow.

Let’s Wrap It Up!

Pull out your notebook and review your notes from the last few weeks.

• Which areas of well-being did you decide to focus on?
• What kind of energy did you decide you need most to pursue?
• What did you learn in our segment on the science of happiness?
• How is your vision of your life purpose evolving as we continue our work?

Now, think about any unresolved experiences that may be fostering shame in your mindset. Are there things you can do to get past those feelings of shame? Can you accept that you are worthy and deserving of love, regardless of past mistakes? Write about what you are learning in your notebook.

The table below includes additional questions to help you resolve any feelings of shame you may be experiencing.

Name 3 times in your life when you experienced shame in the moment.	Were there specific people in your life that made you feel ashamed more often? Who?
Can you view those experiences more objectively now? Can you forgive the younger, well-meaning you for not being at her best then?	Are those people still in you life? Is there an opportunity to address your unresolved feelings of shame with them?
Name three things you are going to forgive yourself for.	Are you ready to commit to judge yourself less harshly in the future?
Are there relationships in your current life where shame is an element?	Is there a way you can be sure to notice when you are being hard on yourself? A signal or mantra to soothe yourself when it happens?
List three things that have happened in your recent life that make you proud of yourself.	What could you do tomorrow that would make you feel proud of yourself?
Name one person in the world who helps you to feel worthy of love.	When do you feel that you belong? Who are you with? Where are you? What is happening?
What affirmations might you adopt to remind you that you are a good person, worthy of love and belonging?	Are there people or activities that make you feel left out and consistently bring down your spirits?
How can you be sure to prevent feelings of shame from limiting your future life?	Who can you talk to about any unresolved feelings of shame you may be carrying, so that you can unburden yourself for good?

So, what do you think about Week 5?

Are you feeling lighter and ready to hit the road on our journey to happiness and contentment?

Please leave a comment and share what you are learning. After all, we are all on this journey together – and we are all so much more than enough.

We’re going to let go of some more baggage in Week 6: Blame: How to Uncover and Overcome This Negative Behavior.

Thank you, as always, for reading.

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