Shame: How to Uncover, Overcome and Release It Forever

Welcome to How to Find Happiness, Week 5. Shame: How to Uncover, Overcome and Release It Forever.

We hope you have found the first four posts of this series helpful. In Week 5, we focus on how to leave some emotional baggage behind. In particular, we are going to cover a sensitive topic: our feelings of shame.

How to Find Happiness Week 5: How to Uncover, Overcome and Release Shame

In Weeks 1, 2, and 3, we identified areas of well-being to focus on. We also fueled up our energy stores. Additionally, we educated ourselves about key components of happiness. In Week 4, we began to focus on our life purpose. We looked at the road ahead. We considered our ultimate personal destination for happiness and contentment.

During Week 5, we will focus on one important task. We must do this to prepare for the remainder of our journey.

This could get a little painful, because we’re going to have to take a hard look at some uncomfortable things. Specifically, our emotional baggage.

Whether or not it is readily apparent, chances are we each have some.

Our major focus this week will be on feelings of shame, and how to overcome them.

Emotional Baggage: Shame and Blame

As with any voyage, the more we bring with us, the more cumbersome travelling becomes. We must pack smart and light. We should bring along only what we need and nothing more. This allows us to be as nimble as possible.

This week, we focus on understanding the added burdens we may be carrying. We will explore how to relieve ourselves of what weighs us down. We will dive into the topic of this emotional baggage, focusing on feelings of shame.

It’s important to approach this week’s exercises with an open mind.

Chances are, we all have some feelings we need to part with, for our own peace and happiness. And it’s also entirely possible that we have lived a long life without realizing it.

What Is Shame?

Shame is an emotion that can derail a journey to happiness and contentment. It is so powerful that it can prevent us from even imagining a promising, fulfilling future.

If we can and do imagine a world where life is different, yet continue to harbor feelings of shame, it is still virtually guaranteed that will be unable to move away from our status quo, no matter how much we want to do so.

Have you have spent a good part of life feeling unhappy but are unsure of the roots of those feelings?

It may be because you have unresolved feelings of shame percolating beneath the rest of your emotions. And whether you realize it or not, those feelings may be impacting many aspects of your life.

Even if you feel quite certain that this is not your concern, it’s worth reading on. If it turns out there is shame there to deal with, this is where you must put your energy before attending to anything else.

What Shame Looks Like

We each have our own mental image of what shame looks and feels like based on our own personal experiences.

Our vision of shame may be a person who is deeply embarrassed or humiliated, cheeks scarlet with blushing.

Or a child or teenager hanging their head, eyes downcast, realizing they have disappointed parents or others.

Shame can also appear as a person looking vulnerable.

Feeling frightened, as they learn someone has discovered something they had kept secret. Afraid others will judge them. Not like them. Or cease to love them.

These pictures capture the essence of shame in the moment.

But they do not convey or illustrate how long lasting the impact of shame may be. Or of how long those feelings of shame may fester within our own minds and souls.

Those moments of pain can lead to a lifetime of emptiness and regret, as we struggle to understand why happiness seems to elude us.

Discovering Our Own Shame

Many imagine shame as something other people feel. And have no clue that they have vats of their own. Sadly, this provides just the environment it needs to multiply and take root. We stuff it deep down inside, where no one will see it – we think.

Sometimes, we are successful in pulling off the act. At least temporarily, we are able to show the world what we think they want to see.

We mask our fear, our sadness, our anxiety, our emptiness. When asked, we take on more, because we must. If we don’t, in our own eyes, we are proving we are worthless.

We hide all our stress and exhaustion and pain from preying eyes and even our own reflection. Until we are behind closed doors, alone.

Needless to say, this environment is not conducive to happiness or contentment. It is living the exact opposite of an authentic life. With self-love nowhere to be found.

Why Releasing Shame Is Key to Happiness

Believe it or not, realizing that we have shame that we hold inside is one of the keys to finding happiness and contentment.

It sounds paradoxical, but it’s not. Uncovering the obstacles that block our path to happiness and contentment are essential so that we may get further down the road each time we travel it.

So, discovering our shame, well, that can be quite an epiphany, a complete game-changer.

It’s likely that most of us have some bit of shame locked up somewhere inside, just waiting to be resolved and released.

Behind those shame barriers are the seeds of future happiness, just waiting to bust through. So, let’s do what we can to surface any feelings that are squelching the chances for all that goodness to prevail.

And if you have no shame hiding in those dark and hidden places, perhaps this process will help heighten your awareness of how others may struggle. Perhaps it will encourage you to be kinder and more compassionate to those who are not as fortunate.

Questions About Shame

Think back in your life, and painful as it may be, identify times when you experienced shame. These prompts may help bring memories of this kind to the surface:

• Are there things that happened when you were younger that you didn’t have the maturity or experience to handle well?
• Was there a time when you looked the other way instead of confronting another’s wrong doing?
• Did you let someone take advantage of you, and do you now wish you had stood up for yourself?
• Is there anything you have done that may not have been 100% honest or kind?
• Are there words you spoke or actions you took that you wish you could take back?

We probably all have examples floating in our minds right now. We are human. Let’s face it – we screw up a lot.

We have all had to make tough decisions, sometimes in a split second. And some of our words, actions and decisions have been the wrong ones.

Moving Past Regret

Having done things that we regret is something we can all relate to.

Too often, we lock up the feelings that accompany that regret. Before we know it, we are swallowing big gulps of shame.

We fear what others would do if they knew the worst of us.

We fear losing face, our public persona or image compromised forever.

Worse, we fear losing love, especially from those closest to us.

We lack the courage to test the strength of that love. We hesitate because we doubt our own worthiness. This is the root of shame.

How to Overcome Shame and Find Happiness

It’s difficult to imagine squelching shame but know it can be done.

Try your best to accept this and adopt this belief. Doing so is essential to move beyond shame. It helps us become our best and truest selves.

Living a life permeated by shame makes it impossible to move towards a life of contentedness. And it makes our world so small!

Everything we experience is muted and dulled and overpowered and dominated by those shame feelings. In short, shame completely prevents us from experiencing joy.

Finding Self-Compassion Helps Release Shame

The bad news is that we will probably keep making mistakes. There’s a chance we might even mess up on a grander scale in the future. The good news is that we can choose to shed shame. We can embrace forgiveness and forgive ourselves right now. We can do this for all of it, whatever it is.

Because there is a tremendous difference between making a bad decision and being a bad person.

There is no comparison between not finding courage in one moment vs. being a total coward. Or telling one half-truth vs. living a life full of deceit.

We may not have always done the right or best things. However, we can choose to show compassion to the person who made isolated poor choices. These were sprinkled among the good ones. After all, she did the best she could, as fallible as she is, in the moment.

Self-Compassion Benefits Us as Well as Others

If we can’t do it for ourselves, we must do it for those we love.

Because when we carry guilt and regret, it perpetuates those feelings of shame.

And biologists have proven that while we feel shame, our brains are physically unable to generate positive feelings. As a result, we cannot be sincerely compassionate to others.

In fact, when we feel shame, we tend to project negative behaviors to others we care about. We may not even realize we’re doing so.

We should not push bad memories or disappointments under the rug. Or create an alternative history where what we did was okay. Quite the opposite.

We must own up to our own shortcomings. We should be honest about where we have been less than our best selves.

And then forgive ourselves for those failings and weaknesses.

They make us human.

Forgiveness

Embracing forgiveness can be the key and the antidote to these very powerful feelings of shame.

In fact, science has proven that when we release anger and negative emotions, our well-being improves right away.

The effect is long-lasting, and others around us feel better, too.

But as we all know, choosing to embrace forgiveness is hard to do.

Forgiving someone else is hard enough. However, it can be almost impossible to do the most essential thing. We need to forgive ourselves.

But we must try.

Because forgiving ourselves is the key to releasing shame.

And releasing shame is one of the keys to finding joy, happiness and contentment.

Finding Forgiveness in the Moment

The best scenario is to cultivate mindfulness. This allows us to forgive ourselves in the moment.

Imagine not going through the cycle of feeling badly. We often blame ourselves and experience shame. Then, we arrive at a place where we accept and forgive ourselves or others.

Imagine owning up to mistakes as soon as we realize we’ve made them. Immediately knowing it’s okay, and that mistakes don’t make us less worthy of love and happiness.

Picture that world, because that’s the world where we learn to forgive others in the moment, too. And that’s better for everyone.

We owe it to ourselves to acknowledge when we have not been the best friend to ourselves. We should forgive ourselves for those times. It is important to release the regret and shame. We must learn our lessons and move on.

Breaking the Shame Cycle

Sometimes, the best way to begin to heal, is to do something to short circuit the shame cycle. Something that validates our worth. That embodies kindness – to and for ourselves. Often, a good start is to write out some comforting thoughts.

Think of yourself as a small child, or a good friend.

How would you comfort her if she shared with you her deepest, darkest secret?

If she admitted that she did not feel worthy of love?

Try it out to see how it feels.

What thoughts do you have to add? If you are so moved, please share them with us in the comments.

If not, write them, release them, and move on.

A wise person once told me “Regret is a useless emotion.” And the process to release regret is what it takes to begin to heal from our feelings of shame. We owe ourselves forgiveness and hope for a more contented tomorrow.

Let’s Wrap It Up!

Pull out your notebook and review your notes from the last few weeks.

• Which areas of well-being did you decide to focus on?
• What kind of energy did you decide you need most to pursue?
• What did you learn in our segment on the science of happiness?
• How is your vision of your life purpose evolving as we continue our work?

Now, think about any unresolved experiences that may be fostering shame in your mindset. Are there things you can do to get past those feelings of shame? Can you accept that you are worthy and deserving of love, regardless of past mistakes? Write about what you are learning in your notebook.

The table below includes additional questions to help you resolve your own feelings of shame.

Name 3 times in your life when you experienced shame in the moment.	Were there specific people in your life that made you feel ashamed more often? Who?
Can you view those experiences more objectively now? Can you forgive the younger, well-meaning you for not being at her best then?	Are those people still in you life? Is there an opportunity to address your unresolved feelings of shame with them?
Name three things you are going to forgive yourself for.	Are you ready to commit to judge yourself less harshly in the future?
Are there relationships in your current life where shame is an element?	Is there a way you can be sure to notice when you are being hard on yourself? A signal or mantra to soothe yourself when it happens?
List three things that have happened in your recent life that make you proud of yourself.	What could you do tomorrow that would make you feel proud of yourself?
Name one person in the world who helps you to feel worthy of love.	When do you feel that you belong? Who are you with? Where are you? What is happening?
What affirmations might you adopt to remind you that you are a good person, worthy of love and belonging?	Are there people or activities that make you feel left out and consistently bring down your spirits?
How can you be sure to prevent feelings of shame from limiting your future life?	Who can you talk to about any unresolved feelings of shame? Is there someone you trust who can help you unburden yourself for good?

So, what do you think about Week 5?

Are you feeling lighter and ready to hit the road on our journey to happiness and contentment?

Please leave a comment and share what you are learning. After all, we are all on this journey together – and we are all so much more than enough.

We’re going to let go of some more baggage in Week 6. Blame: How to Uncover and Overcome This Negative Behavior.

Thank you, as always, for reading.

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