Relationships can be a source of profound joy, growth, and support. However, beneath the surface of seemingly blissful unions, a subtle yet potent dynamic known as learned helplessness can quietly take root, casting a shadow on the vitality of partnerships.
Today, we discuss the complexities of learned helplessness in relationships, exploring how this psychological phenomenon can subtly unfold, its detrimental effects on individuals and partnerships, and strategies to break free from its grip.
What is Learned Helplessness?
Learned helplessness is a psychological concept that refers to a state where people feel unable to change their circumstances, even when opportunities for change exist.
In the context of relationships, learned helplessness can lead to feelings of powerlessness, resentment, and a lack of motivation to improve the relationship.
Defined as a state of passive resignation and perceived lack of control, learned helplessness can gradually seep in, stifling communication, eroding self-esteem, and hindering the ability to address challenges effectively.
Learned helplessness can doom a relationship.
But no matter how ingrained this feeling is, there are ways to potentially overcome it.
How to Overcome Learned Helplessness
Learned helplessness develops when a partner in a relationship repeatedly faces negative situations or experiences that they perceive as uncontrollable.
Over time, they start to believe that their actions have no influence over the outcome, leading to a sense of helplessness.
In relationships, this often occurs when one partner consistently dominates decision-making, disregards the other’s opinions, or fails to address their needs.
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The Effects of Feeling Helpless
Learned helplessness can have detrimental effects on relationships.
The partner who feels helpless may become passive, lacking motivation to contribute to the relationship or initiate positive changes.
Resentment can build up, leading to a breakdown in communication and emotional disconnection.
Over time, the relationship may become stagnant or even toxic.
Overcoming The Helplessness Cycle in Relationships
We must break the cycle for both partners to thrive in a relationship.
This will not come naturally, so be prepared.
It is called learned helplessness because it reflects a learned behavior which we must effectively unlearn in order to break free and move ahead.
It is entirely possible that any measures taken will not be successful, but if the relationship is worth saving, it is worth trying – hard.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. What is Learned Helplessness, and How Does It Develop?
Learned helplessness refers to a psychological state characterized by a belief that one has no control over their circumstances, leading to feelings of powerlessness, resignation, and difficulty in taking action to change the situation.
This concept was first introduced by psychologists Martin Seligman and Steven F. Maier in the 1960s through a series of groundbreaking experiments involving animal behavior.
When individuals repeatedly experience situations where their efforts to overcome challenges are met with failure and lack of control, they may internalize a sense of helplessness, believing that their actions are futile and incapable of influencing outcomes.
2. What Are the Signs and Symptoms?
The manifestations of learned helplessness can vary from subtle to profound, impacting individuals on emotional, cognitive, and behavioral levels.
Some common signs of learned helplessness include feelings of passivity, lack of motivation, low self-esteem, pessimism about the future, and avoidance of challenges or responsibilities.
Individuals experiencing learned helplessness may exhibit a sense of resignation in the face of adversity, attributing setbacks to internal factors such as personal inadequacy rather than external circumstances.
3. How Does Learned Helplessness Affect Relationships?
In the context of relationships, learned helplessness can manifest in ways that undermine communication, trust, and intimacy.
Individuals who harbor feelings of helplessness may struggle to assert their needs, set boundaries, or advocate for themselves within the relationship.
This can lead to imbalances of power, feelings of dependence, and an erosion of self-efficacy that hinders the ability to engage in healthy and equitable partnerships.
Over time, learned helplessness in relationships can perpetuate negative dynamics, foster resentment, and impede the growth and well-being of both partners.
4. What Strategies Can Help?
While learned helplessness can pose significant challenges, it is not a permanent state.
Individuals have the capacity to break free from its grip with awareness, introspection, and intentional efforts toward change.
Building self-awareness, challenging negative thought patterns, seeking support from trusted individuals or mental health professionals, and cultivating a sense of agency through small, achievable goals are key strategies in overcoming learned helplessness.
By reframing beliefs about control and resilience, practicing self-compassion, and gradually reclaiming a sense of empowerment, individuals can navigate the journey towards greater autonomy, self-worth, and agency in their lives.
Additional Strategies to Address Learned Helplessness
As we study learned helplessness, it becomes evident that beneath its layers lies the potential for growth, resilience, and transformation.
If you find yourself in a relationship challenged in this way, the following strategies may help:
- Identify situations or behaviors that contribute to feelings of helplessness. Awareness is the first step towards change.
- Express your feelings and concerns to your partner. Effective communication is essential for addressing issues and finding solutions together.
- Encourage equal participation in decision-making and problem-solving. Each partner should have a voice and actively contribute to the relationship.
- Define and communicate your personal boundaries. It’s important to establish what is acceptable and what is not within the relationship.
- If learned helplessness persists or if the relationship continues to deteriorate, consider seeking guidance from a relationship counselor or therapist. They can provide valuable insights and tools to overcome challenges.
Learned helplessness can be a significant obstacle in relationships, hindering growth and happiness.
Using the strategies above may help open communication with your partner.
Your feelings, priorities, and opinions matter as much as your partner’s. If you are not experiencing the respect and tolerance you deserve, it may be time to move on.
Give these strategies a try and hope for the best. Keep in mind seeking professional help may be required in order for a true breakthrough to occur.
There may also be a connection between learned helplessness and codependency in your relationships.
To learn more, check out:
12 Signs of a Codependent Relationship
Common Causes of Codependent Relationships
How to Heal a Codependent Relationship
If you believe there may other issues brewing in your relationship, see also:
Understanding the Red Flags of a Toxic Relationship.
Thank you as always for reading.
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Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Joan’s career includes clinical healthcare plus 20+ years as an executive in a nationwide health care system and 15 years as a consultant. The common threads throughout Joan’s personal and professional life are a commitment to non-profit organizations, mental health, compassionate coaching, professional development and servant leadership. Joan has had the privilege of mentoring early and mid-career professionals as well as current and future executives and leaders. She is a member of the International Organization of Life Coaches, serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is also a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me. You can read more about Joan here: Joan Senio.
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