The Well-Hidden Secrets of Unconditional Love

Many of us want unconditional love. We equate unconditional love with being loved for who we are, with no strings attached. We also want to believe that we are capable of selfless and unconditional love of another person. But it’s not as easy as it sounds to love without conditions. And, at times, it’s not healthy to expect others to love us that way, either.

What is Unconditional Love?

According to Wikipedia, unconditional love is “affection without any limitations, or love without conditions.”

It may sound odd, but if we are to truly love unconditionally (and without limitations), we must, at the same time, be able to establish healthy boundaries.

These boundaries help us define what is and is not acceptable behavior in those relationships.

Loving another absolutely and completely, without limitation, is a beautiful thing. Unless and until it impinges on our ability to meet our own needs and maintain our own self-respect and feelings of self-worth. What we must seek to do is to love and be loved wholeheartedly, while not losing ourselves in the process.

Unconditional Love In Childhood

When children are infants, it is easier to demonstrate, practice and understand unconditional love. We hold them close, feed them, keep them warm and safe. As parents, we comfort them when they are in distress and will do anything to defend them. We do not hold back; we do everything possible to enable our children to thrive.

As our children grow, we begin to teach them appropriate behaviors and values. To be mindful of others, to share, and treat others with kindness; to be respectful and generous and neat and tidy.

We do not cease to love them when they fail to exhibit these behaviors, but we let them know of our disapproval. Our communication must not imply our love for them is contingent or conditional on their behavior. But at the same time, we must clearly let them know when their behavioral is unacceptable.

Why Unconditional Love In Childhood Is So Important

A strong foundation of unconditional love in childhood is very important. The reason? It is through experiencing unconditional love from others that children learn that people can disapprove or disagree or be critical of their behavior while continuing to love them, fully and completely.

A child who does not experience unconditional love may have more difficulty accepting constructive input from others, or even discussing alternative points of view with other people, because they grow to see these as challenges to their own worthiness.

The child who is loved without conditions is more likely to grow into functional, confident and loving adult with reasonable, healthy self-esteem and successful, fulfilling relationships that do not rely on constant affirmation or validation.

Unconditional Love In Adulthood

As we grow to adulthood, we learn that a similar balance is required for friendships and other intimate relationships. Even when based in unconditional love, relationships require boundaries to be healthy, balanced and safe.

As we grow close to others, we must nourish and nurture those relationships with acceptance and support and kindness and generosity. Yet, if need be, we must be able to safely assert our own opinions, and yes, requirements. We must be able to point out when a line has been crossed without fear of rejection or reprisal.

We must be able to disagree without fearing it will put our relationship at risk.

Behavioral Boundaries In Relationships

The ways that are acceptable to do disagree or disapprove differ for each partner or group of friends. In general, as a relationship matures, we tend to try out rules of engagement until we find the ones that work for all parties. This becomes our practice, or “relationship culture”, if you will.

If we are in a relationship, this practice enables me to disagree with you without you ever questioning my love for you.

This is the place we would all love to be in our relationships. But it’s also where things can get mighty complicated.

Lack of Unconditional Love Creates Challenges

For those who were not raised with unconditional love, it can be very challenging to understand and practice this balance.

People who have been in relationships based on conditional love most of their lives may believe it is normal and appropriate to withhold love when their partners or children do not agree with them or do something that displeases them.

Others who have been raised in relationships based on conditional love dream of finding unconditional love in another person. They envision that will be the solution to all their problems. And they believe that is where they will find happiness, because all their needs will be met, unquestioningly and completely. This too is invalid, and not only is this not accurate – it can also be very harmful.

Unconditional Love of Self Is Essential

Because there’s another part of the healthy grounding we ideally teach our children. It’s that they each have all they need inside of themselves to be 100% content and happy. A child who doesn’t understand that will never be able to satisfy the emptiness that results from not loving yourself.

In other words, happiness is not dependent on the approval or worship of another. And it certainly is NOT dependent on finding unconditional love elsewhere. It starts with unconditionally loving yourself.

It is very difficult to love another unconditionally until we are able to unconditionally love ourselves.

What Love of Self Looks Like

So what does unconditional love of self look like?

It’s not that we praise ourselves and see ourselves as better than others. It’s not that we accept or overlook our own misbehavior, faults or misdeeds.

What it means is that we are kind and nurturing and loving to ourselves, even as we flamboyantly demonstrate our own humanity. It also means we have a voice and identity of our own, apart from any relationship we are in.

Unconditional love for ourselves also requires us to be conscious of our own needs and wants, not just those of our partners, friends, and children.

Meeting Our Own Needs Is Essential To Any Relationship

Loving another unconditionally doesn’t require us to subjugate our needs for others. In fact, that can be the death knell for a relationship. To practice healthy unconditional love, we must learn to address our needs and those of others in conjunction.

It also means that the balance of giving and accommodating will skew from person to person in a relationship over time. Part of unconditional love is accepting that is the norm. And that it’s okay for that to happen. And that the love one has for us is not at risk. Because of one time we may not put their needs before our own.

Like I said, it can be mighty complicated.

Do You Feel Unconditional Love for Yourself?

Are you in a healthy relationship that is based on unconditional love in both directions?

What advice do you have to offer people who are seeking a better balance in their relationships?

Let’s keep talking about unconditional love, because if we can attain it, it truly is a beautiful thing.

We are all worthy of it, and all so much more than enough.

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Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a private sector corporate executive and 15 years (and counting) as a consultant and coach. The common thread through her professional life has been a commitment to compassionate leadership, including leading and mentoring current and future leaders, and women from all walks of life. KindCompassCoach articles are backed by research and include facts and advice from a wide variety of experts. Joan is a member of the International Organization of Life Coaches, serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.