As we discussed in 12 Signs of a Codependent Relationship, codependency is a complex and often misunderstood pattern of behavior in relationships where one person relies on another to fulfill their emotional needs and has difficulty functioning independently. Today, we will cover some of the most common causes of codependent relationships and other factors which may make you high risk for codependency.
What is Codependency?
Codependency refers to an excessive reliance on others for self-worth, identity, and emotional stability.
It often stems from dysfunctional family dynamics, childhood trauma, or prolonged exposure to unhealthy relationships.
People who are codependent often struggle with setting boundaries, expressing their needs, and maintaining a healthy sense of self.
Causes of Codependent Behavior in Relationships
There are a wide variety of potential causes of codependent behavior. Some of the most common causes are described below.
Childhood Experiences and Family Dynamics
Codependency can often be traced back to early experiences and family dynamics.
Growing up in a household where emotional needs were neglected or invalidated can lead to a deep-rooted need for external validation and an inability to form healthy emotional connections.
Children who witness substance abuse, mental illness, or domestic violence within their family may develop codependent tendencies as a coping mechanism.
Traumatic events during childhood can contribute to codependent behavior in adulthood. This can include experiencing emotional or physical abuse, neglect, or abandonment.
Children who experience these hardships may grow up to lack self-worth and believe that they are not deserving of love and care.
They may also develop a fear of abandonment, leading to a pattern of codependent behavior as they attempt to avoid being left alone.
If one or both parents exhibit codependent behaviors, their children may grow up believing that this type of behavior is normal and healthy.
This can also lead to a pattern of codependent behavior in their adult relationships.
If you believe you may have experienced trauma as a child, please read: 5 Question Childhood Trauma Test: How to Uncover Hidden Wounds.
Characteristics That May Make Us Prone to Codependency
- Low self-esteem and feelings of insecurity are common characteristics of codependent people. They often seek validation and approval from others, relying on external sources for their sense of self-worth. This reliance on external validation can lead to a constant fear of rejection and abandonment, and also increase codependency.
- Mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and personality disorders can contribute to codependent behavior. These issues can cause a person to seek out the security of another person. Or to feel like they need to control their partner’s behaviors to feel safe and secure.
- Codependent people tend to engage in people-pleasing and caretaking behaviors as a means of gaining approval and maintaining relationships. They prioritize other’s needs over their own, often neglecting their own well-being. This pattern of self-sacrifice can lead to feelings of resentment and frustration, further perpetuating codependency.
- A lack of boundaries is a key characteristic of codependency. Codependent people struggle to define and maintain boundaries in their relationships, often taking on the responsibilities and emotions of others. This blurring of boundaries can lead to a loss of personal identity and a skewed understanding of healthy relationships.
Enabling Behaviors Makes Us More Prone to Codependency
Enabling behaviors such as taking responsibility for someone else’s problems, making excuses for their behaviors, or covering up their mistakes can lead to codependent relationships.
These behaviors can happen between partners, parents and children, or caretakers and patients, and it can be difficult to recognize.
It often starts as a way to help the other person, but over time, it can lead to a pattern of codependency.
Codependent people often enable the behaviors of others, particularly those with addiction or other destructive patterns.
Codependent relationships often occur when one partner has a substance abuse problem, and the other partner enables and supports their addiction. The addiction may also cause the partner to prioritize the needs of the addict over their own, leading to a codependent dynamic.
They may unintentionally reinforce negative behaviors by providing support or taking on responsibilities that rightfully belong to the other person.
This dependency dynamic can be harmful to both parties involved, further perpetuating codependency.
Why We Must Break Free from Codependent Relationships
Codependent behavior is a complex pattern that can develop as a result of multiple factors that range from childhood experiences to our own personal characteristics that have arisen from unrelated experiences.
Whatever the root causes, codependent people share one characteristic in common: they have an overwhelming need for external validation.
As a result, they rely on others to define their self-worth and often struggle to form an independent sense of identity.
This constant need for validation hinders personal growth and can lead to a cycle of seeking approval from others.
If you recognize these behaviors in your relationships, it’s essential to work towards breaking the cycle of codependency.
Working with a therapist or counselor can help you identify and address the specific underlying causes of your codependent behavior and help you develop more healthy relationships.
Thank you as always for reading.
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Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a private sector corporate executive and 15 years as a consultant. The common thread through her professional life has been a commitment to compassionate coaching and leadership, including mentoring early and mid-career professionals as well as current and future executives and leaders. KindCompassCoach articles are backed by research and include facts and advice from relevant experts. Joan is a member of the International Organization of Life Coaches, serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.
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