How to Use Self-Discovery to Achieve New Levels of Self-Esteem

To observe Annual Boost Self-Esteem Month, Kindness-Compassion-and-Coaching.com published a series of posts about this intriguing subject. As we discussed in previous posts, self-esteem is the foundation upon which our confidence, resilience, and overall well-being are built. (If you would like to read the series from the beginning, please start with this piece: Self-Esteem: What You Need to Know and Secrets Revealed.) Self-discovery plays a vital role in any effort to assess our self-esteem, or to improve it. Today’s post focuses on the process of self-discovery, how to undertake a self-discovery process and more.

The Basics of Self-Discovery

When people ask us to describe ourselves, we tend to answer with a similar reply. My name is X. I’m married/single/divorced. We have X children. I work for this company. But this description does not really tell anyone anything about our true selves.

We’re sharing key data points from our lives, as opposed to any insight into who we truly are.

Many of us may be stumped if asked to provide a deeper answer. To share what makes us uniquely us.

Because to know, we must have expended some effort in self-discovery. Either intentionally or because it is the way we were taught to think. And that’s not something that most of us have enjoyed.

What is Self-Discovery?

Self-discovery is the process of getting to know ourselves on a much deeper, personal level.

Because our identities are about much more than how we earn our income, who we are related to, or where we live. Self-discovery is about meeting and greeting our true authentic selves.

Factors That Influence Our Life Choices

A journey of self-discovery is not necessarily easy. Before beginning, it pays to gain an understanding of what we may be up against.

Because, unfortunately, our life choices – to live in the city or the country, to marry or stay single, to work in a certain field, even the car we drive and the home we live in – have probably largely been driven by outside influences.

Think about it: we even refer to celebrities or others whose opinions carry weight with the public as “influencers”.

Common Influences That May Have Influenced Our Identity

So, all of us have been subjected to influences that impacted our choices, and therefore, the lives we live every day. These include:

• Parents, friends, classmates, significant others, siblings.
• The communities in which we grew up.
• Media we’ve been exposed to (television shows we grew up with, radio stations we listen to, the newspapers and magazines we’ve read, the social media platforms we engage, etc.).
• How much we have traveled and our destinations.
• Our heritage and the religious beliefs of our families and those close to us.
• The hobbies we were encouraged to explore, or those we pursued later in life, as adults.

There are some common overt influences that many of us have encountered.

• Our parents thought we should pursue a certain profession, or marry within our race or religion.
• An advisor thought we should major in the subject he or she teaches, because he saw our potential.
• We succumbed to peer pressure from our friend group and adopted unhealthy behaviors such as smoking, drinking, or taking drugs.

Unconscious Influences May Have Impacted Our Life Choices, Too

There are also covert or unconscious influences that may have impacted our life choices, sometimes without us even knowing it was happening:

• We may have adopted mannerisms or behaviors of those we respect or admire.
• Perhaps we have unconsciously modelled our family planning after older siblings who seem to have gotten it right.
• Maybe we wear certain styles or clothing because the brand’s marketing campaign leads us to believe we will be more attractive, happier, and more successful – if we wear their stuff.

So, there’s a lot of forces at play here.

It’s Difficult to Shed Ourselves of Prior Learning during Self-Discovery

It is difficult if not impossible to shed ourselves of all of our prior learning and opinions that we have formed based on years of personal experiences. And the older we get, the more difficult it becomes.

The key is not to erase these influences, per se, but to become more conscious of how they impact our thinking. And to intentionally open our minds to alternatives.

And to be okay with the fact that we may realize some of our life choices may not actually align to the people we were meant to be. (That’s a big ask).

But so worth it.

Because until we explore beyond what we believe (almost as a reflex) to be right, true, and the only option, we limit our world view.

To be our fullest selves, we must allow ourselves this privilege.

We must work to test out ideas different from the ones we’ve held our whole lives; to try them on and see if they fit or feel more comfortable.

Often, they may not fit at all. But the process of exploring them and concluding that, on our own, will serve us well.

Self-Discovery is Not Selfish

Before embarking on a journey of self-discovery, it’s also important to let go of one idea that many of us may harbor.

This belief is that any form of self-reflection is akin to selfishness.

This has been a pretty prevalent notion, at least among my generation. Our parents did not encourage us to be introspective. In fact, if we did dwell too much on our own thoughts or feelings, it was frowned upon. Many a parent from that era might perhaps suggest we children didn’t have enough to do if we were concerned with something as amorphous and ambiguous as “finding ourselves”.

This is sad, and wrong. In fact, the opposite is much more valid and true.

Finding Ourselves Through Self-Discovery is a Gift to the Universe

Because we do ourselves, and the world a service when, through self-discovery, we’re able to identify who we are and what we were born to do. When we uncover our true-life purpose.

And shed ourselves of the dissonance, lack of confidence and unhappiness that arise from living a life that is not authentically ours.

After all, who better to be who we were born to be – than us, ourselves?

And what better way to honor the life and gifts we’ve been given?

Let’s agree, it’s time to tune into them, and use them for the benefit of our families, communities, and society.

Everyone we know and everyone we love and countless others who we encounter on our path through life will reap the benefits of our own self-discovery journey. If we are able to find and become our best, genuine, authentic selves.

Self-Discovery: Getting Back to a Blank Slate

So, remember all those influences we talked about?

It’s hard to move forward with an accepting attitude until we let go of some of them.

Or at least make a conscious effort not to allow them to derail our thought processes, or to shut down new ideas and possibilities as they present themselves.

In effect: Self-discovery begins with the process of peeling back all of the data points that make us who we are today, and meeting and greeting the person beneath all that.

The person we would’ve become if we had unequivocal, unconditional support from everyone around us throughout our lives.

The person we would’ve become without undue influence from outside forces.

Self-Discovery Starts Here

Self-discovery is about understanding who we are – as a human being.

What we believe, deep down in our souls.

The truth is our own “real” identity (the one we discover) will still reflect the impact of other people and places we’ve known.

But the difference will be that it will be an active vs. a passive process.

We will choose the influences to embrace, codify, and advocate for, once we emerge as our true authentic selves.

Your Journey of Self-Discovery

Beginning the process means we are aware that there may be more lurking below the surface that is worth exploring.

It means we’re open to learning new things and that we are brave. It means we recognize we may encounter some surprises, and we’re up for the challenge.

For many, a journey of self-discovery begins with letting go of beliefs that may be ingrained in us about who we are, what we believe, and what’s important to us.

If you’re ready to move onto the next post in the self-esteem series, it’s ready for you: Journal Prompts That Will Uncover Your Best Authentic Self.

Thank you as always for reading.

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KindCompassCoach

Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a private sector corporate executive and 15 years as a consultant. The common thread through her professional life has been a commitment to compassionate coaching and leadership, including mentoring early and mid-career professionals as well as current and future executives and leaders. KindCompassCoach articles are backed by research and include facts and advice from relevant experts. Joan is a member of the International Organization of Life Coaches, serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.