How to Overcome People-Pleasing and Become Your Authentic Self

A people-pleaser wants everyone to be happy. Everyone. All at the same time. Sounds unrealistic, right? To those of us who have this affliction, it’s our natural (almost uncontrollable) tendency (compulsion?) to pursue this unattainable goal. This means we constantly try to figure out everything we can do to maximize the happiness of those around us. And then we try to do it all. Even if it means compromising our own life satisfaction, identity, or priorities. Sounds terrible, doesn’t it? That’s why we have to help each other recognize and overcome people-pleasing behavior, whatever it takes!

How to Stop People-Pleasing

In order to preserve our sense of self, to be authentic, and to ultimately, achieve happiness, we all need to do what we must to retrain our instincts. To stop people-pleasing behavior.

A people-pleaser may:

• Apologize too much.
• Say yes, even when we really want to say no.
• “Go with the flow” (not express opinions of our own).
• Feel the need to constantly avoid conflict.
• Act in ways that we do not naturally act to win approval of those around us.
• Agree with someone (or not disagree with someone) even when our beliefs don’t align with theirs.
• Pretend we are happy or positive when we are not.

How People-Pleasing Behavior Begins

There are many theories about how we become a people pleaser.

Some believe it starts in childhood. This can occur especially if we begin to feel that love for us is based on approval. And if we attach to much significance to what others think of us.

Others believe it is rooted in a fear of abandonment.

For example, thinking that others will leave us if we rock the boat, or stand up for ourselves.

It can stem from a pattern of unresolved childhood trauma.

Or there may be a pivotal event in our lives that triggered the beginning of this new pattern.

But however it starts, it is a learned behavior and a habit.

It’s challenging, but behaviors can be unlearned. And habits can be broken.

How To Break The Cycle of People-Pleasing Behavior

If you’re a lifelong people-pleaser like me, you may not even be sure what makes you happy. That’s part of the challenge. Untangling other people’s preferences and choices that have become so ingrained.

We People-Pleasers are often unsure which likes or dislikes are our own.

It may help to think of this as an adventure. Imagine that you’ve just met someone new, and you want to learn all about her – to figure out what you need to do to make her happy.

Or perhaps think back to your early childhood.

What did you dream of being when you grew up? How did you imagine you would spend your time?

The Difference Between Being a People-Pleaser and Being a Martyr

Many articles seem to almost equate being a people pleaser to being a martyr.

They describe a people person as someone who simply can’t say no to anyone or anything.

Although there are many people pleasers who fit the profile of the over-committed volunteer, I believe there are some of us who fall into another camp.

We are selective People-Pleasers.

We’ll do almost anything for certain people in our lives. The same does not hold true for strangers or co-workers. We don’t necessarily find it difficult to say no to a request for a donation, or when someone asks us to cover for them at the office.

But we will move heaven and earth for our spouse or children or parents, if we believe it will make them happy. Or perhaps love us more.

Selective People-Pleasing Behavior Is the Hardest Habit to Break

This is the hardest kind of people pleasing to shake. Especially if it has been going on for a long time.

Because when a relationship forms based on one person’s role as a people pleaser, it’s likely to become strained when that person decides to change.

That doesn’t make it any less essential to do so; it’s just a warning.

We must change. To do so, we must be prepared to need courage, determination, and single-mindedness.

We hope that the person we love cares about us enough to want us to know who we are as well as we know who they are.

But that may not be the case.

So, we need to be prepared for consequences when we start to break the self-destructive habit of people-pleasing.

Is People-Pleasing Actually Selfish?

I read one piece that stated that being a people-pleaser is a selfish behavior, that we people-pleasers do it because we crave and enjoy the approval we get so much.

No doubt, I’m biased on this topic, but I thought that was harsh and even a little cruel.

There’s no better way to get a people-pleaser to doubt themselves than to accuse them of being selfish!

I don’t think it’s because we enjoy approval so much as we fear disapproval.

We just can’t stand the thought of anyone being less than happy with us. Or perhaps it’s based on our prior experiences that have taught us that being anything less than perfect leads to withholding of affection, love or approval.

Yeah, that would do it.

The Consequences of People-Pleasing Behavior

The unfortunate consequence of being a people-pleaser is that we are not living the lives we are meant to live.

In fact, many of us don’t even know what that life would be like.

And as a result, and by definition, we are not living authentically.

It’s frightening to realize it, but in all our effort to please others, we may be depriving them of the thing they would get the most benefit from: knowing the real person inside of us.

So, are you a People-Pleaser?

Try these thoughts on for size:

• What’s the upside if I say no to someone else / say yes to what I want instead?
• What am I afraid will happen if I say no to someone else / say yes to what I want instead? Realistically, how likely is that to happen? How bad would it be?
• Can I name characteristics of the true, authentic me? What can I do to nourish those characteristics in myself? What changes do I need to make in my life to do so?
• Do I know 5 things that I truly enjoy doing? Am I doing them? Why not?
• Why do I feel the need for everyone / or a certain person / to approve of me? What would it feel like if they disapproved? How can I learn to accept that this happens to everyone – and that it’s okay?

Are you up to the challenge?

What one thing will you do today to begin finding the new, true, authentic you? How will you go about getting to know her?

Want to read another helpful post for those who identify as a people pleaser? Check this one out: The High Price of Being Low Maintenance.

Thank you as always for reading.

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KindCompassCoach

Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a private sector corporate executive and 15 years (and counting) as a consultant and coach. The common thread through her professional life has been a commitment to compassionate leadership, including leading and mentoring current and future leaders, and women from all walks of life. KindCompassCoach articles are backed by research and include facts and advice from a wide variety of experts. Joan is a member of the International Organization of Life Coaches, serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.