Secrets: All You Need to Know for a Healthy Relationship

Do you have a secret? If you’re like most people, you may have up to a dozen! We keep secrets for all kinds of reasons: shame, embarrassment, insecurity, to maintain privacy, or to protect someone else.

Having a secret, in and of itself, doesn’t necessarily hurt us.

It’s whether we dwell on it, and how it impacts our relationships, that can do us harm – potentially impacting both our mental and physical health.

In fact, it turns out, the reason we hide something is actually more relevant to our well-being than the secret itself.

Read on to learn more about the types of things we keep private and how to know if your deepest, darkest secret puts you at risk.

How Secrecy Harms Relationships

According to Merriam Webster, a few common definitions are “kept from view”; “hidden”; “marked by the habit of discretion” and “something kept from the knowledge of others”. It’s only when we look at the synonyms for secrecy do some of the more shameful elements appear: “furtive”, “sneaky”, “stealthy”, and “clandestine”.

Secrets That Stem from Immoral or Dishonest Acts

Keeping confidences from a significant other or family member can doom the relationship. But, as noted above, it really depends on the reason we do so.

  • Hidden information that stems from an immoral or dishonest act almost always create negative energy among those privy to it, as well as those in the dark.
  • When we’re in the loop on such a secret, we tend to dwell and ruminate on it. We also worry about the consequences of it coming out.
  • When we don’t know the truth, we sense something is wrong, or information is being withheld, but we can’t put our finger on exactly what is causing our unease. This can lead to doubt, skepticism and stoke suspicion – true poison to any relationship.

Secrets That Stem from Shame

When we hide something as a result of shame, it rarely turns out well.

This goes for secrets we keep privately as well as those we share with siblings, spouses or others.

If a subset of a family harbors a secret (to avoid public embarrassment, or to protect children, for example), it creates an evident stress that is difficult to understand.

This stress creates not only tension but distance and distrust.

Often, no one understands the root cause.

The pain and irritation festers and can even lead to lifelong feuds.

All because of our fear of confronting our own shame, or our fear of the potential implications of a secret “getting out”.

Holding secrets within ourselves due to shame can also often have dire effects on our own self worth and development.

Certain extreme situations can even result in delayed psychological growth, or permanent arrested development.

So, what’s the bottom line?

The are many good reasons to identify the secrets we hold due to shame.

And to consciously work to bring them into the light.

To trust our relationships to be strong enough to weather the impact of even our worst secrets.

To strive to be strong enough and brave enough to be vulnerable.

“Safe” Secrets

Of course, not all secrets result in damage to ourselves and others. Some can even strengthen relationships.

There are the harmless secrets that we keep – for example, planning for a surprise party, or a special gift or occasion.

Then there are the confidences we harbor as a result of intimacy.

Things we share with only our closest friends, not because of shame or fear, but because these secrets are precious – those that come from the heart.

Romantic secrets, or confidences about beliefs or fears or insecurities that we only share with those we implicitly trust are often safe. And even encouraged!

Knowing Who To Trust

Of course, sharing our most private thoughts, ideas and opinions with others can also be disastrous – if we divulge information, we prefer to keep private to someone who later violates our confidence.

So, in the end, knowing what to keep to ourselves, as well as what to share with who – is a critical competency.

Learn more about how to determine who is worthy of sharing our confidences here: 10 Ways To Tell Your Friendship Is Worth Keeping.

You may also find this post interesting and helpful: Privacy and Secrecy in Marriage: A Delicate Balance.

Thank you as always for reading.

If you haven’t yet subscribed, please visit KindCompassCoach and enter your email address so you never miss a post.


Discover more from KINDCOMPASSCOACH LIFE COACHING

Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.

No Responses

Please share your thoughts!

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Are Your Experiencing a Mental Health Crisis? Know That You Need Never Be Alone.

Call or text 988

Did You Miss the FREE Self-Esteem Series? No worries! Start With the Link Below

Find What You Need Most Quickly by Clicking the Tags Below!

Sixty and Me Contributor Badge
Come Follow Us On Twitter, too!

Testimonials: Love for KindCompassCoach

"In a world that is becoming increasingly polarized, separating into ‘us’ and ‘them’ far too often, KindCompassCoach is a lighthouse for those seeking a port in the storm. Joan writes straight from her heart using her wealth of knowledge to inspire, encourage, and offer kindness to each and every reader. I love that each post challenges me to consider how I can take the wisdom offered and practice it with intention. Those of us seeking truth and guidance, find it in every single KindCompassCoach post. From how to incorporate mindfulness to accessing our bank of positive memories during times of grief or struggle, Joan encourages her readers with unconditional understanding and compassion. This blog is a gem to be enjoyed and shared!"

Cathy Tubb, This Little Light

We use cookies to personalise content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyse our traffic. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media, advertising and analytics partners. View more
Cookies settings
Accept
Privacy & Cookie policy
Privacy & Cookies policy
Cookie name Active
Life Coaching Sunrise Logo and Kind Compass Coach

Who we are

Comments

Media

Cookies

Embedded content from other websites

Who we share your data with

How long we retain your data

This is so we can recognize and approve any follow-up comments automatically instead of holding them in a moderation queue.

For users that register on our website (if any), we also store the personal information they provide in their user profile.

All users can see, edit, or delete their personal information at any time (except they cannot change their username). Website administrators can also see and edit that information.

What rights you have over your data

Where your data is sent

Save settings
Cookies settings

Discover more from KINDCOMPASSCOACH LIFE COACHING

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading