How to Stop Caring What Other People Think

Many of us spend a good deal of time wondering what other people think about us.

• Maybe we said something in a meeting at work, and in retrospect, we wonder if it sounded unprofessional.
• Or perhaps we forgot to return a phone call to a friend, and now we wonder if she thinks we’re thoughtless.
• Or maybe we worry that a picture we posted online may have been unflattering, or foolish.

The list of these distracting and negative thoughts goes on and on:

• I’m so tired. But what will my friend think if I don’t show up at happy hour?
• I feel terrible, but what will my boss or co-workers think if I take a sick day?
• I can’t afford a trip right now. But if I don’t attend my friend’s destination wedding, will she ever forgive me?
• This sweater is so comfortable, but if I wear it will people think I’m sloppy?

In cases like this, we can churn and worry, and distract ourselves for hours or days or even weeks with trivial concerns.

The result? Huge amounts of wasted energy. That could be invested elsewhere. Who has time for that? Who has this kind of energy to spare?

How to Stop Wondering What Other People Think

It’s in our best interest to tame these idle thoughts. When we find ourselves ruminating needlessly, wondering what other people think, here are some things to consider:

1. What’s most relevant in many situations is simply what we ourselves think about what we say or do. Are we satisfied with how we behaved? Did we act the way we want to be? Unfortunately, the more we wonder what others think, the harder it is to know how we ourselves truly feel. So best to stop wondering what’s going on in other people’s heads if we can!
2. Sadly, there are some people who are going to think poorly of us, no matter what we say or do. It’s their prerogative to do so. It’s kind of not really our business what they think about us at all. So maybe let’s stop poking around trying to figure it out.
3. Most happily, the majority of people around us aren’t thinking about us at all. They’re just wandering around, living their own lives, doing their own thing, and maybe even wondering what we think of them. Or not thinking about us at all. Imagine that!

So, let’s remember these things, and at least some of the time, stop wondering what other people think.

But there are also times when it’s actually important to know what others think. Even essential. These situations are the minority, but it doesn’t mean they are less important – in fact, quite the contrary. The few, the true, the “keepers” in our lives. These people. They are the ones who we should care about.

• The people who we know would celebrate success with us.
• Those who truly want us to be happy.
• The ones who show up when we’re hurt, and stick around until we feel better.
• The ones who never leave.
• These may be people who would even lay down their lives for us.
• These are the people whose opinions we should value and carefully consider. Always.

This doesn’t include casual acquaintances or people we pass on the street.

It doesn’t include Facebook friends who may or may not even know the names of our children.

This group doesn’t include co-workers we only see in Zoom meetings, or near strangers who may leave hateful comments on our posts. No matter how hard it is, we must try not to burn our precious energy wondering about what they think. On the occasions when they offer up an opinion that is not helpful, we must also just try to look away.

Because there is no point, no joy, and no benefit to focusing on anything that even for an instant dulls our shine.

But those keepers. Oh, yes. We must figure out who they are, our precious few. And chances are we won’t have to wonder what they think, because they will lovingly share their kindness, support, encouragement and wisdom along the way. We’ll see it in their eyes, know it in our hearts, even be able to anticipate it without communicating with them at all.

So, here’s to remembering that we need not wonder what other people think – ever.

Because in the end, we realize, we’ll already know the thoughts of the few people who really matter.

Thank you as always for reading.

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KindCompassCoach

Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a private sector corporate executive and 15 years (and counting) as a consultant and coach. The common thread through her professional life has been a commitment to compassionate leadership, including leading and mentoring current and future leaders, and women from all walks of life. KindCompassCoach articles are backed by research and include facts and advice from a wide variety of experts. Joan is a member of the International Organization of Life Coaches, serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.