Whether we feel it when a relationship fails, when we bungle a job interview, or even when we feel we’ve been snubbed socially, the experience of rejection is never easy. Sometimes, it can be quite difficult to bear, and even humiliating. As a result, it’s not surprising that fear of rejection is very common, and it can affect even the most confident people. When we tap into our ability to overcome fear of rejection, it can be life-altering.
Why We Fear Rejection So Much
Rejection, itself, can result in anxiety and even physical discomfort.
What’s astonishing? Just the fear of rejection can do this to us, and much worse, too.
Because fear of rejection significantly impacts our emotional and social well-being beyond the here and now, the actual happenings in our lives.
Fear of rejection, in fact, constrains our growth and the life experience we get to enjoy.
Overcoming our fear of rejection can be a liberating experience that opens up opportunities we may have never before imagined possible.
It’s important we understand the underlying drivers.
Why do we fear rejection? How can and does our fear impact our daily lives? How can we overcome it?
Why We Fear Rejection: Survival Instincts
Humans are social creatures who have evolved to live in groups.
Historically, social exclusion from a group or tribe could mean a loss of resources, protection, and ultimately, survival.
Believe it or not, this evolutionary requirement still drives our fear of rejection today.
That’s right, not being invited to a party or celebration can trigger the same primal instincts of danger and threat that helped us survive in prehistoric times.
Though our survival no longer depends on our social bonds, it sure can feel that way.
And it hurts to be excluded, whether or not our next meal depends on it.
So, our fear of rejection stems partly from those ingrained instincts from our ancestors, and partly just because we know rejection is upsetting.
It just never feels good to be excluded or rejected in any way.
The combination of emotional feelings and survival instincts results in a feeling of anxiety and discomfort whenever situations such as this arise.
So next time someone snubs you in a conversation or cuts a phone call with you short – remember some of what you’re feeling is simply a biological response.
Sometimes (but not always), just knowing the root cause, or explanation, for our pain can help us to feel better – so, hopefully this bit of evolutionary trivia may bring you some comfort next time you find yourself feeling rejected over something that shouldn’t be a big deal. Because small snubs might have actually been life-threatening, in prehistoric times! Today – not so much.
Small comfort, perhaps, when we are feeling down, but hopefully a bit of perspective that can help us all move past minor disappointments when we need to do so.
How to Overcome Fear of Rejection: Attachment Theory
Another driver of fear of rejection has to do with attachment theory.
This theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, suggests that the way we form emotional bonds in early childhood affects our relationships throughout our lives.
It proposes that people develop specific attachment styles based on their experiences with caregivers during infancy and early childhood.
And that people with certain attachment styles are more likely to experience fear of rejection.
There are four main attachment styles:
- Secure Attachment: People who tend to feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They have a positive view of themselves and others and effectively cope with rejection.
- Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: Those who often fear rejection and abandonment. They tend to worry excessively about their relationships and seek reassurance and validation from their partners. Their fear of rejection can lead to clinginess, jealousy, and possessiveness.
- Avoidant Dismissive Attachment: Those who tend to avoid emotional closeness and fear dependency on others. They may downplay the importance of a relationship. They may also suppress their emotional needs, often due to a fear of rejection or vulnerability.
- Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: People with a fearful-avoidant attachment style have mixed feelings about relationships. They desire close connections but also fear rejection. They may struggle with trust and intimacy. This attachment style often stems from experiences of trauma or inconsistent caregiving.
In general, if we felt secure and loved as children, we are likely to develop positive relationship patterns as adults.
However, if our attachment figures were inconsistent or neglectful, we may develop attachment insecurities that manifest as fear of rejection.
Specifically, fear of rejection often results if we experienced the anxious-preoccupied and fearful-avoidant attachment styles as children. People with these attachment styles may often assume they will be rejected or abandoned.
These fears can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors, emotional distance, or a reluctance to fully engage in relationships.
This fear can lead to a self-fulfilling cycle of negative emotions and behaviors in relationships.
Overcome Fear of Rejection by Attending to Our Feelings of Self-Worth
Low self-esteem describes when we have a distorted perception of ourselves, characterized by disproportionate feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and a lack of self-worth.
People with low self-esteem have negative beliefs about themselves.
These beliefs mean they fear rejection more than most people.
Unfortunately, being critical of ourselves and assuming that rejection is inevitable can perpetuate the cycle of low self-esteem and fear of rejection.
And fear of rejection can intensify low self-esteem by reinforcing negative self-beliefs.
The fear of being rejected can lead to avoidance of social situations, reluctance to express opinions, and diminished self-confidence, further confirming the belief that one is unworthy of acceptance.
This fear can also create barriers to forming and maintaining meaningful relationships and hinder personal and professional growth.
In short, low self-esteem and fear of rejection often go hand in hand, creating a cycle of negative thoughts and emotions that impacts many aspects of our lives.
It’s essential that people who have a strong fear of rejection and/or have low self-esteem address their issues as they will ultimately significantly impact their ability to experience well-being and happiness.
Cultural and Societal Influences
Cultural and societal influences can also play a role in our fear of rejection.
We live in a society that values success and achievement, and rejection can be perceived as failure or weakness.
Internalized messages of worthiness and social desirability can lead us to perceive rejection as a reflection of our competence or value as a person.
Fear and Insecurity Impacts our Daily Life
It is key for us to work to overcome fear of rejection because it can affect our relationships, work, and social interactions. Needless to say, this can impact our quality of life in many ways.
Examples include:
- Avoiding New Experiences: Fear of rejection limits our willingness to try new things and put ourselves in unfamiliar situations. We may avoid social events or activities that require meeting new people, fearing rejection or judgment. When we overcome fear of rejection it creates more opportunities for personal growth, learning, and expanding our horizons.
- Struggling in Intimate Relationships: The fear of rejection can also impact our intimate relationships. We may struggle to open up emotionally to partners, fearing that our vulnerability may lead to rejection or abandonment. When we overcome fear of rejection it can remove distance and communication barriers that hinder intimacy and connection.
- Difficulty Making Decisions: The fear of rejection can also lead to problems with decision-making. We may hesitate or second-guess ourselves when making choices, fearing that making the “wrong” decision may lead to rejection or failure. When we overcome fear of rejection and give ourselves opportunities to succeed, we begin to see increases to our self-confidence.
- Perfectionism and Fear of Criticism: The fear of rejection may also manifest as perfectionism and fear of criticism. We may strive for perfection to avoid rejection or criticism. This pressure to be perfect can create undue stress and anxiety, leading to burnout and unrealistic expectations of ourselves.
- Insecurity and Self-Doubt: Fear can also fuel feelings of insecurity and self-doubt. We may question our worth and abilities, thinking that we are not enough or that we will be rejected by others. This can negatively impact our self-esteem and confidence, leading to feelings of anxiety and overwhelm.
- Isolation and Loneliness: Ultimately, our fears may lead to isolation and loneliness. We may withdraw from social situations and avoid human connection to avoid potential rejection and vulnerability. This can lead to a sense of disconnection and loneliness, impacting our mental health and wellbeing.
How to Overcome Fear of Rejection
Understanding the potential impacts of fear of rejection can help us to find the courage to confront our own fears and take on more risks. Life becomes more interesting, challenging and fulfilling as we open up to larger possibilities at home, at work, and in our relationships.
Are you dealing with fear of rejection in your daily life today? How have you overcome fear of rejection in the past? Start a conversation by sharing your thoughts and experiences in the comments. We all become stronger when we learn from and support one another!
Thank you as always for reading.
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Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a private sector corporate executive and 15 years (and counting) as a consultant and coach. The common thread through her professional life has been a commitment to compassionate leadership, including leading and mentoring current and future leaders, and women from all walks of life. KindCompassCoach articles are backed by research and include facts and advice from a wide variety of experts. Joan is a member of the International Organization of Life Coaches, serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.
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