How to Understand Emotions: It’s Complicated

A while ago, I was talking to a friend who recently had a baby. While she was pregnant, we shared many conversations. It was a welcome opportunity to reflect on fond memories. I recalled many lovely experiences from when I was expecting and shortly after I had my children. Among other things we shared, I told her that when I had my kids, I felt as though a whole new group of emotions had been added to my life experience.

To me, it was kind of like falling in love – a feeling we can’t understand until we experience it.

Something new and unfamiliar and wonderful all at the same time. A very different kind of love; one that was protective and unquestionable and unconditional; so certain and full.

What It’s Like to Experience New Emotions

I’d had that thought about “falling in love with my children” for years, but never really contemplated some other bigger questions it raised.

This time I did. I began to wonder if there are other emotions that only some people get to feel. And what about emotions that some people feel more than others? Or less than others? How can we best support each other when we are not even experiencing the same emotions? Can we truly empathize?

Learning About How Others Experience Emotions

As usual, I turned to the research – which I thought would lead me to discover other emotions that we may all experience differently (anxiety and grief came to my mind).

But instead, what it led me to was information about human conditions that effect our ability to experience emotions, in general.

Interesting Facts and Information Discovered: Alexithymia

I learned that up to 10% of the population suffers to some degree from a condition known as alexithymia. Those who have this condition experience only certain emotions. If asked, they may be able to describe how an emotion is supposed to present, but they can’t tell you what it is like to experience it. As a result, they have great difficulty experiencing compassion and empathy for others.

It turns out, about half of the people on the autism spectrum have this condition.

Many other people do, too.

Others with a different form of this condition may experience emotions but are not able to identify them. For example, they can confuse something like fear with excitement, and not be able to put the right name to what they are feeling.

Imagine what it must be like. To experience only a partial range of emotions, and also, to sometimes not even be sure what you are experiencing as it happens.

It must be absolutely terrifying to be frightened and to not know what it is – or how to relieve it.

Years ago, scientists believed that there were 6 primary categories of emotions: happiness, sadness, disgust, fear, surprise, and anger. Today, the taxonomy of basic human emotions has expanded to include over 25. Imagine not knowing the difference between fear and surprise? Or not being able to tell when you are happy vs. sad? Or 25 other things??

There are a variety of theories as to what gives rise to this condition.

As with many other mental challenges, some believe that alexithymia is rooted in some form of childhood trauma or neglect. There is also some evidence that it may be brought on by certain forms of brain damage, or that it can be an innate genetic condition.

Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) Experience Emotions Intensely

There are also those who live at the other end of the emotional spectrum.

Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) are those who experience emotions more intensely than others.

Many HSPs are empaths. In the case of empaths, they not only experience their own emotions more intensely. They are also able to quickly “read a room” and understand the emotions of others who are present.

In some cases, they can’t help but cross the line into experiencing the emotions of others, too. Imagine how unsettling that must be. To walk into a room and be enveloped with grief, for example. Or sadness. And not know why.

Because of this tendency to experience other’s emotions so vividly, empaths must take extra care to tend to their own emotional and self-care needs.

It is far too easy for empaths to get swallowed up in other’s feelings, attempt to comfort others, and leave little energy for themselves. And the empath experience spans all aspects of their lives – home, work, play, even random walking in public places.

In short, there is nowhere for empaths to hide.

All About Emotions

So there are people who do not experience many emotions, people who experience emotions, but may not be able to name them; and also people who feel emotions more strongly than the rest of us. And those people can also be overwhelmed by the emotions of those around them.

I found this information to be eerily relevant to my resolution for this year, which is to try to be more compassionate in every aspect of my life.

Reading this made me think about how others may feel when they are scared, or embarrassed, or lonely, or sad. For the first time – it really hit home with me.

There’s always a reason why you feel a certain way.

Sometimes, it can feel as though negative thoughts and feelings appear out of nowhere. However, this simply isn’t the case, there’s always a ‘root’ that they stem from, no matter how hard that may be to uncover.

Fortunately, there are many ways in which you can begin to carry out the necessary internal work to figure out the ‘why’ behind your turbulent emotions.

For example, you can begin by addressing some of the negative behaviors you may have fallen into as a result of your struggles, such as alcohol dependency through addiction treatment. Not only can this help you develop healthier coping habits, but the therapeutic services embedded into these programs will also help you learn how to get to the bottom of how you are feeling.

Your Fear May Not Be the Same as My Fear

Though I’ve always tried to be sensitive to others and what they are experiencing, I have never thought about it in these terms: that their fear may not be the same as mine, for example.

I’ve had my own mental and personal experience of these emotions – but there’s a world full of people and no two of us may experience these emotions in exactly the same way.

Some of us can’t experience them at all.

And others have to consciously sift out what they are feeling from the competing emotions from all the others around them.

How Compassionate Can We Be?

This could bring a whole new level of complexity to compassion, if we let it. I mean, how can we know how to respond to someone who is angry, when we don’t know what anger actually means to that person?

How can we be sensitive to someone’s grief, when their grief may not at all resemble our own? How to know what to do or say or think?

This could be yet another excuse to hesitate to extend a hand, say a prayer, offer a kind word….

But I prefer to think knowing more about the variety of emotions we all experience (or don’t) may make being compassionate even easier.

When It Comes to Emotions Don’t Overthink Things

Because this really says to me, it’s time to stop over-thinking. Be kind. And tolerant. Be slow to judge.

Let’s stop ourselves in our tracks if we think someone’s behavior is wrong or odd.

They are who they are, and we are who we are.

We’re each uniquely built and flawed and worthy.

And experiencing our universe from our own very personal perches.

We must love each other unconditionally including wanting another’s suffering, however it manifests, to cease; and we must wish kindness to everyone around us – whether they be angry or frightened, dismayed or disgusted, happy or sad.

We Each Experience a Unique Cocktail of Emotions

We each experience a unique cocktail of emotions – and some of us are mixing other people’s cocktails in with our own. The emotions in and around us can easily overwhelm or negate positivity that may arise from accomplishments or achievements or material possessions or success. It’s no wonder we are often so confused.

But just imagine living in the world without names to put to these powerful forces. Or having your own feelings squelched by the whirling winds created by a room full of people in different mindsets?

Compassion is the key. No judgment, no agenda, no questioning, no hesitation.

If only we could all have it be our first and only reflex.

Let’s agree to try our best from now on to make it so.

And let’s also take more time to notice those fleeting emotions we want to hold onto. Like falling in love with our children, for example. How lucky we are to have each and every incredible emotion we experience in our lives.

Thank you as always for reading.

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Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a private sector corporate executive, 15 years as a consultant and a lifetime of experience as a coach. The common thread through her professional life has been a commitment to compassionate leadership, including mentoring current and future leaders, and people from all walks of life. KindCompassCoach articles are backed by research and include facts and advice from a wide variety of experts. Joan is a member of the International Organization of Life Coaches, serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.