How to Stop Martyr Syndrome: What We All Need to Know

I don’t think any of us intend to become a martyr. But boy it sure seems like many of us wind up playing that incredibly unhealthy role! Do you take on too much? Do you feel taken for granted? You may have martyr syndrome.

How It Feels to be Taken for Granted

The other day while waiting for a friend, I overheard two women talking.  

One was listing the “volunteer” assignments she had taken on; her demands at work, and the fact that her husband didn’t help out at home. 

The other was bemoaning how she was (yet again) hosting the Girl Scout Troop, providing snacks for her son’s Little League team, while trying to juggle two part-time jobs since she is currently “under-employed”.

Bottom line, they were both feeling taken for granted.

As the conversation went on, the complaining escalated, peppered with remarks regarding how exhausted they each were, and how they had no time for exercise, sleep or anything else for themselves. 

At this point (praise the Lord!) my friend showed up. 

I welcomed her warm smile, and within a few minutes we were both laughing out loud at some old, shared memory. 

I lost track of the other women; it wasn’t until I was driving home those snippets of their conversation echoed back to me.

That Conversation Kept Haunting Me

It was strange.

These women complained vociferously – and yet at the same time, there was a kind of pride about how busy they were mixed in among the moaning.

They were actually competing with each other in terms of who was neglecting themselves more! 

When did this become a contest?  And who would want to win it?

Why do we do so many things that make us feel underappreciated and taken for granted?

No doubt about it, these women not only wanted recognition for being “self-sacrificing”; they wanted praise for taking too much upon themselves to the point that they were near breaking.

They wanted to be the BEST at neglecting their own needs. 

And yet as they described their heroics, and demands, and selflessness, there was the constant complaining, too. 

In short, it was the height of passive aggressive behavior.

Bragging about how much they did, and how much they felt taken for granted.

And no one in the coffee shop could avoid hearing them – you know when people talk just loud enough that it’s clear they want to be overheard? 

That was happening too.

Being Taken for Granted Sounded Familiar

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks:  it sounded familiar. Too familiar.

I’ve been part of conversations just like it, way too many times. 

These women were in their child-bearing years, but I had heard (and been part of) conversations like this with women at every stage of life. 

We start young, when we juggle school, sports, jobs, and take on way more than we need to take on to be “good daughters”. 

When we’re older, it is the demands of aging parents; or working extra hard to pay for our kids prep school or college. 

Or tolerating our “boomerang kids” who come back home without adequate contributions to the household. 

Maybe it happens at work, where we are the “go to gal” for whatever crisis, deadline, or unreasonable requirement surfaces. 

Bring it on, we say! I want to be taken for granted! Make my day!

You, Too, May Suffer from Martyr Syndrome

Some of the women I love and respect most in the entire universe tend towards this behavior, just like me. 

So, I decided to do some more reading about what is sometimes called a “Martyr Complex” straight-away. 

Some of what I read made me sit up and take notice. 

(In a way studying positive psychology is like surfing Web MD – before you’re done, you have discovered another disease you may have!)

Here’s some of what I learned:

We may suffer from Martyr Syndrome if we:

• Often talk about how busy and tired we are
• Complain about how little we get and how much we give
• Feel unappreciated
• Do not take care of ourselves (because we prioritize taking care others).  This can take the form of poor diet, lack of exercise, or lack of fulfilling, fun activities
• Do things for others that are not required, or even asked of us
• Have given up pursuit of a dream (or two … or three…?)
• Are often fatigued and have many aches and pains
• Sometimes experience heightened and unexplained anxiety
• Have a feeling of malaise or unexplained illness(es)
• Turn down help when it is offered

One quote I found says it all: “The idea that we need to do more and then find ways to manipulate attention so we can feel validated in our efforts isn’t new – it makes sense. It just doesn’t work.”  

The Long-Term Effects of Martyr Syndrome

The longer Martyr Syndrome continues, the more accustomed we become to behaving as victims in our own lives. 

This is not good. 

We must unlearn these behaviors because the bottom line is, they will eventually lead to illness. 

And then who will we be helping?

Another thing I read bluntly stated that if we’re in the midst of Martyr Syndrome we’re not only making ourselves unhappy, but we’re also making everyone around us pretty miserable as well. 

So much for deserving a medal!  (And here I thought I was up for Mother/Wife/Worker of The Year!).

Before we can work to quit a behavior it’s important to understand why we do it.

Why We Allow Ourselves to be Taken for Granted

According to experts, the root cause of Martyr Syndrome is often that we do not believe ourselves worthy. 

Of love, care, success, support, you name it. 

So, we’re constantly trying to “earn” what we are all born worthy of – unconditional love.

We may develop Martyr Syndrome as a result of having love and approval attached to achievements as we grew up. 

Or as a result of having love withheld, or of being taken for granted when we did not please our parents. 

Does any of this sound familiar?

Of course, most of us have probably spent years denying we are Martyrs. 

So, this is NOT going to be easy.

But if we doubt our own self-worth, we have got to make some changes.  In the end what we have to do is stop taking ourselves for granted.

How to Stop Taking Yourself for Granted

Here are a few straightforward steps, all within our control to take:

• Step 1:  Be humble, strong, honest and brave enough to admit that you have doubts about your self-worth. 

• Step 2:  Accept that you are worthy of attention, of patience, of love. Of not being taken for granted. A humbling quote I read once said something like this:  “Think about the fact that the same God that made the oceans chose to make one of you, too.” – Darn right, you’re worthy!

• Step 3:  Write a short letter. To yourself. Write as though you are your own daughter, and you are explaining why you love her so much.  And why you are so proud of her. Put it someplace safe and special – and read it often.  Whenever you start to take yourself for granted, or whenever negative self-talk starts to overwhelm you.

• Step 4: Put self-care first. Put healthy food into your gorgeous, amazing body. Use your joints and muscles and brains in new and exciting ways DAILY to keep them young. Rest as long as you need to; and when you’re done, spend less time on your bottom and more time pursuing adventures.  Schedule your routine health care appointments. No one will stop you from doing any of these things. In fact, loved ones will likely support these changes. The key is to get out of your own way!

• Step 5: Learn to say NO – or just stop saying “Yes”. Stop jumping into the fray when a potential crisis looms. Don’t try to fix everything. Let your children solve their own problems.  Let your co-workers figure things out, too.  Inspire your spouses or partner to take on new challenges. The world will keep turning, even if you stop taking yourself for granted.

• Step 6: Reward yourself. It takes courage to embrace change and make your own needs a priority.

Keep These Phrases Handy

Strive to change your mindset and stop taking yourself for granted.

And when you’re tempted to lapse into old behaviors, here are some lines to keep in your hip pocket:

• “I won’t be able to make it.”

• “That won’t work for me.”

• “I already have another commitment.”

• “I won’t be able to help this time.”

(Notice none of these statements contain the words “I’m sorry”! We have nothing to be sorry about!)

Stop Taking Yourself for Granted

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Share your reactions and constructive suggestions with everyone else. 

We are so much stronger when we work together, and we are all so much more than enough!

Thank you as always for reading.

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