How to Deal with Disappointment and Get On with Life

Some say the best way to avoid disappointment is to never expect anything good to happen. But a huge part of what makes life joyful is imagining that the future may hold. What may be more helpful advice is to focus on learning how to deal with disappointment in a way that minimizes discouragement. If, over time, we can learn to view disappointments as a kind of positive experience – just a temporary setback and an opportunity to learn and grow – that’s even better.

How to Cope with Disappointment

It may sound trite, but when we face a setback or failure, it can be useful to remind ourselves that everyone encounters failure on the road to success. And, in fact, disappointments are inevitable speed bumps on the way to great things.

Every accomplished person experienced disappointment at some point before they ultimately met their goals. History includes countless examples: inventors, athletes, actors, authors, business owners, entrepreneurs. So many people who had to navigate a difficult path, or overcome personal tragedy, before their dreams came to fruition.

Picture Setbacks as Bridges to Your Dreams

It may also help to think about our journey to a new accomplishment or goal in a different way. Try this. Picture a finite number of bridges we must cross to reach our dream. Consider each failure as one of those bridges. Navigating each roadblock, obstacle or ‘bridge’ successfully – just getting to the other side of it – is actually a victory, not a failure. Much like ticking off the miles on a cross country journey, each “disappointment” can be a milestone that is a measure of progress. Something that brings success ever closer.

Increase your Likelihood of Success

Perhaps the best way to minimize the impact of disappointment is to reduce the frequency of it. What better way than to increase our likelihood of success with every personal endeavor. Sure, you say, but how?

Although there are still many skeptics out there, scientists have proven that envisioning certain outcomes may make those outcomes more likely to occur. It seems like common sense: we should always imagine, hope for, envision and expect the absolute best in life.

Inevitably, there will be times when outcomes don’t align with our grandiose visions for the future. But that doesn’t mean it’s smart or safe to expect the worst. In fact, we increase the likelihood of bad outcomes, and therefore, disappointment when we dwell on the possibility of failure.

So instead of settling for a life of low expectations, the wise strategy is to imagine the best future we can. And to teach ourselves how to view and deal with disappointment if and when it arises.

Ways to Ease Feelings of Failure

But, let’s keep it real. Disappointment is inevitable from time to time. So how can we best soothe ourselves when we fact it?

Many people take disappointments personally. When something unpleasant happens, they think it is due to some inadequacy or fault in themselves. Those who are most insecure may feel embarrassed, ashamed or humiliated by what may be relatively minor failures.

To avoid these reactions, we must try to remember:

• Failing at a specific endeavor does not mean we are a failure as a person.
• Hitting a roadblock likely just means we have more to learn. Or that the time is not right for us to move to the next step on our path.
• Failing does not mean that we’re unworthy of success or that we have anything to be ashamed of.
• We can encourage ourselves by remembering that we are brave and courageous when we attempt to stretch our capabilities, knowing failure is a possibility.
• We should endeavor to view failure as a sign and evidence that we’re trying to grow. Though we’re rarely successful the first time we try something new, it means that we’ve started the journey toward mastering a new skill or capability.

Accepting these assumptions before we set out to try something new can not only save us heartache, but may also be critical to our ultimate success.

Keeping these ideas front and center as we progress may make it easier for us to remember how to deal with disappointment if and when it arises.

Overcoming Disappointment

There is no question that dealing with disappointment can be difficult. But there are things we can do to help us through the difficulty. Tactics that will help us minimize our pain and, ultimately, increase the odds of a more positive outcome. A few suggestions include:

• Set realistic expectations.
• Anticipate potential roadblocks or obstacles.
• Have strategies in mind to overcome challenges if and when they arise.
• Put boundaries on feelings of disappointment. Frame them as what they are: a reaction to a temporary setback.
• Keep disappointment in perspective. Don’t let disappointment in a specific outcome morph into disappointment in ourselves, as a person.
• Name the emotion when it surfaces. It’s disappointment. Not self-doubt, anger, impatience, or stress. Feeling disappointment is okay, and understanding what we’re feeling when it happens may help put it behind us.
• Focus on the lessons learned by a particular failure. Take the time to name one improvement we could make based on our new knowledge. Or one different tactic that we might employ next time around.
• Put another way, we can think about it like this: “I now know more about how to avoid this type of obstacle in the future.”

Disappointment in Relationships

It’s challenging to deal with disappointment related to professional or individual growth. It can be even more troubling when we experience disappointment in friends, significant others, or family members. Or when we are disappointed in our relationships with those people.

The suggestions above are relevant to this type of disappointment.

But dealing with disappointments of this nature may require other approaches to help us recover, rebound and heal.  

Why? Because we often experience a much more complicated set of emotions in these situations.

When we are disappointed in someone we love or because a relationship ends there are many layers of distinct emotions in play.

Those feelings may include hurt, betrayal, sadness and loneliness.  Humiliation. Self-doubt. During times like this, it can become quite difficult to maintain perspective. We may begin to doubt whether we are worthy of another’s love, or of happiness in general.

Dealing with disappointment becomes a much more involved task than simply doing our best to remember what is happening is a life lesson and that we are not alone in experiencing failure.

How to Heal or Prevent Disappointment in these situations:

• The first is very basic. Often, in relationships, we don’t articulate why something bothers us. We expect or assume that others understand our inner thoughts. When someone does something that disappoints us, we may immediately feel annoyance or anger. But first, it’s important to take a pause. And ask: does this person understand why this action (or lack of action) would disappoint me? Put simply, when we are disappointed in someone else’s action, we need to tell them so. Tactfully, without malice, but with clarity. We need to first state that we are disappointed. And then more importantly, we must explain why.
• Once we register an observation like this, we should look for any nuances in future behavior. And start to ask ourselves some key questions.

Questions to Ask

Does it appear that this person understood the ‘complaint’ we shared?

• Do they seem to be making an effort to avoid the same types of behavior or action?
• If not, is it possible they did not understand?
• Or does it appear that they don’t care enough to adapt due to our concerns?
• Was our complaint valid? Is our request for consideration fair and legitimate? 
• Is the issue significant enough to pursue?
• Are other situations resulting in similar outcomes? 

We must learn to manage our own feelings and reactions to other’s behaviors. However, if another person doesn’t seem to care about what bothers us, then that’s a red flag. If we conclude our request is legitimate, and was heard and understood, we may need to ask ourselves a few more questions.

• Does the nature of our disappointment reflect a superficial trait or behavior in that other person?
• Or does it illuminate something more critical – perhaps a personal value or belief that we do not respect or find difficult to accept?

Dealing with Disappointment in Another Person is Complicated

However, many recommended tactics and remedies for these situations echo the underlying principles in advice shared earlier targeted at disappointment related to professional or personal growth. For example:

• Try to keep thinking fact based. Granted, it is more difficult to filter out emotions in relationships, but we must endeavor to do so. 
• Be fair in assessing the seriousness of a disappointment in a relationship, just as you would be fair in assessing a personal failure.
• Keep perspective. 
• Understand lessons we may have learned.

There is one other key factor to understand about how to deal with disappointment, in all aspects of our lives.

Just as no personal accomplishment or achievement can bring happiness, no relationship can bring happiness. Or fulfillment. Or joy. While we can share happiness with others, we must find happiness on our own, first.

Once we do, each accomplishment and goal achieved, and heathy relationships we nurture, becomes more enlightened and enjoyable.

But we must take care not to assume a relationship or accomplishment will be the remedy for unhappiness.

We must take care not to confuse ‘disappointment’ in another person for our own lack of fulfillment.

This is tough love, but so true. The work required to find happiness is ours and ours alone to complete – disappointments and all. 

I hope you found this post useful and see the potential for disappointments to be viewed as opportunities. Please take a moment to share a comment with your reactions and thoughts. And as always, thank you for reading.

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KindCompassCoach

Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a private sector corporate executive and 15 years as a consultant. The common thread through her professional life has been a commitment to compassionate coaching and leadership, including mentoring early and mid-career professionals as well as current and future executives and leaders. KindCompassCoach articles are backed by research and include facts and advice from relevant experts. Joan is a member of the International Organization of Life Coaches, serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.