We most often speak of intimacy related to physical or sexual encounters. But intimacy has a much broader definition and is an essential component of a wide range of relationships. Sadly, many of our relationships today suffer from a lack of intimacy. It’s important for us to learn how to restore intimacy – before it’s too late.
4 Easy Steps to Restore Intimacy
Years ago, it was more common to live as part of an extended family.
We knew more members of our family better, and we interacted with them regularly. They were privy to many private details of our lives. Proximity enabled these relationships to be somewhat more intimate, if we wanted them to be, than the familial relationships we experience today.
Today, despite all our connectivity options, we are all much more isolated.
What’s Happened to Reduce Intimacy in Our Lives
When we’re at home, we spend more time apart, in our own technology powered worlds. When we do interact with other, it is often primarily limited to members of our nuclear family. This puts more pressure on those relationships, especially marriages, because we now rely on fewer people to meet all of our needs – intimate and otherwise.
Why We Must Restore Intimacy in Our Relationships
As a result of this and other factors, many of us suffer from what I call an “intimacy deficiency”.
Technology advances have infringed on intimacy and intimate relationships in many ways. Take our conversations, for example. I think back to my teenage years. Phone conversations required us to be tethered to the desk phone in the family kitchen, or being hunkered down in our bedrooms, if we were one of the lucky ones!
But either way, we had to stay put.
That encouraged us to focus on that one person and that one conversation. If the discussion were emotional or meaningful, we were likely to speak in hushed tones, and pay rapt attention to the person on the other end. The rest of the world kind of disappeared. It was just the two of us, in our own cocoon. Those conversations lasted an hour or more sometimes; we had so much to say. And so much time to do it!
What happened?
Fast forward to today. If someone chooses to call, instead of texting, we often answer the phone and talk no matter what is going on around us. Why do we do this? Chances are, if someone has called, it’s because they truly want to have a conversation – not because they want to try to hear us over the clatter around us or worse, wait as we finish a conversation with a cashier.
In many ways, our telephone conversations just don’t have the same “ring” to them (pun intended).
Wherever we are when we have them, we walk around, pay attention to other things, get distracted, and multi-task. We don’t give the best of ourselves in our conversations, nor do we receive the best of the person on the other end. Another factor that contributes to “intimacy deficiency”.
So far, we’ve just talked about conversations.
Other kinds of intimacy have suffered as a result of technology too.
The cell phone is ever-present, even in our most private moments. In the doctor’s office, the bedroom, even the bathroom.
And how often are we with loved ones in a group only to realize at least one of us is distracted by a cell phone, i-pad, or television? How can we interact intimately with the TV blaring, or with ear buds in place? Why do we do this to ourselves?
I’m not sure how we got here, but I sure think we all need to hit the “pause” button and try harder to restore some of the magic.
How to Restore Intimacy in Relationships
So here are a few suggestions about how to restore intimacy in our lives.
1. Having intimate relationships starts with connecting with ourselves.
So first – let’s take some time to get to know ourselves a little better. Are there qualities we love about ourselves? What do we want to improve upon? How are we special and unique? What secrets do we harbor that we’ve never shared? To have an intimate relationship with others, we must be honest and self-aware. So, take some time to nourish that all important relationship first.
2. Change our own behavior.
When someone speaks to us, we must listen actively. If we’re together with another person, we must look into their eyes. When on the phone, we should sit down, and focus on what is being said, not what we’re going to say next. Not on stuff around us. Avoid using the speaker on a phone, always. Don’t multi-task. These behaviors are disrespectful to the person calling and to us, too – we deserve better! Focus on words, intonations, pauses. Don’t jump to fill in silence. They will feel the difference. So will we. Ask questions. Listen attentively.
3. Pick a relationship to focus on improving.
Make plans to do something together with one person in an environment suitable to bonding. Perhaps a quiet restaurant? A park? Or maybe a drive in the country? Someplace without noise or distraction. Plan enough time so you don’t feel rushed. Do this as many times as needed to build up trust and intimacy to the point where you feel comfortable talking about something meaningful and private. Perhaps you’ll share a dream, or a worry, or a happy memory. Or a long-held secret? But put it out there. You can’t have intimacy without vulnerability; and intimacy and secrecy cannot co-exist in a relationship.
4. Repeat. Over and over.
None of these suggestions depend on the actions of another person. We don’t need a willing partner. Others will become willing partners simply because it is our own natural tendency to mimic the behaviors of those around us. When we talk quietly, others talk quietly. If we smile, others smile back. There’s no case here to blame others for lack of intimacy in our lives. We just must begin to be the change we wish to see. Before we know it, there it will be. A new normal.
When we work to restore intimacy, it improves the quality of relationships and also brings a host of other benefits. These include heightened happiness and more fulfillment in everything we do.
So, attend to that “intimacy deficiency” by taking these steps to restore intimacy in your relationships, and watch the sun come out.
Remember, it’s all up to us – and we are so much more than enough.
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Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a private sector corporate executive and 15 years as a consultant. The common thread through her professional life has been a commitment to compassionate coaching and leadership, including mentoring early and mid-career professionals as well as current and future executives and leaders. KindCompassCoach articles are backed by research and include facts and advice from relevant experts. Joan is a member of the International Organization of Life Coaches, serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.
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2 Responses
I loved every bit of this post! My family and I are working to rebuild intimacy, and your words are inspiring and filled with truth and guidance to get back onto the road less travelled these days. Thank you for your beautiful words of wisdom!
I wish more people understood this concept. Especially nowadays people are so wrapped up in their electronics and not their people. And we are often so fake with each other in person. There is no real connection anymore. I miss it! It takes so much effort to really get to know anyone anymore – if they will even let you. Guess we can start in our own homes, though, if nothing else.