According to Wikipedia, gossip is “idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others; the act is also known as dishing or tattling”. Put another way, we gossip when we talk about someone else. Someone else who is usually not present.
Or when we share other people’s secrets.
One definition I read said when we gossip, we seek confirmation of the character flaws of others. The term can also be used to describe someone who engages in the act, or the information itself that is being discussed. For example, “I talked with Sara this morning and she shared some good gossip.”
Sounds like a miserable habit, doesn’t it?
Talking about others (behind their back) doesn’t seem like it could ever be an honorable thing to do. And yet, according to psychological research, we almost all do it, virtually every day. Why?
Why Do We Gossip?
Some scientists believe the urge may have originated as a survival skill. Because when we do it, we share and spread information (both good and bad).
In prehistoric times, the information we gathered might help us to know about those who behaved in ways that could be a danger to our tribe. Or about those who were not contributing to the community, or those who could not be trusted. Things that could jeopardize our survival.
In a way, dishing about others remains a survival skill, today.
Because we gain information from it, and information is power. In modern times, it continues to be useful to learn about the people around us. Especially who may betray us. And who is dishonest or untrustworthy in other ways. Gossip also plays a key role in helping us choose our friends and spouses. And in some cases, making good decisions in this area can truly have life or death consequences.
The fact is, it’s not just natural for us to do it, it’s almost an incontrollable urge. When we hear something tantalizing, we often can’t wait to share it. Blame nature and evolution, and survival of the fittest.
Why We Must Control Ourselves
Evolutionary motives for gossip may feel like excuses we can use to justify it when we spread rumors or innuendo about others. This information is not an acceptable excuse for bad behavior, however. It is more an explanation for why we tend to behave poorly, even when we know we shouldn’t. It also explains why it takes will power to control our urge to gossip.
The bottom line is, there are two kinds: positive and negative. We must understand the difference between the two and control the urge to engage in the bad kind. Because the outcomes from negative gossip can be devastating, often to innocent people. And because negative gossip is an unhealthy behavior that is not good for us.
What Makes Good Gossip
How to tell the difference between positive gossip and the negative kind? It all comes down to intention.
When we pass on valid information that may be helpful or useful to others, or society at large, it’s a good thing. For example, when we discover, for sure, that a contractor we use is dishonest – we will pass it onto our neighbors, so they don’t have a bad experience. This is good because it diminishes the “reputation of someone who does not contribute to the greater good”.
Another example?
When we discover someone within our social network is ill or has lost a loved one. We pass along the information so that others can come to that person’s aid.
What Makes Bad Gossip
If we think about it, it’s actually very easy to distinguish the bad kind from the good kind, isn’t it? Bad gossip involves sharing information that is for our own advantage or is hurtful to others. It has no positive outcomes. When we dish with a friend about the poor appearance of another person or engage in jealous speculation about a neighbor’s latest material possession no good comes from it. And contrary to our own urges, it doesn’t make us feel good about ourselves or others, either.
How to Make Sure We Gossip Responsibly
It doesn’t seem like it is very difficult to tell what makes for positive gossip vs. negative gossip.
But sometimes it can be difficult to control our urge to share information.
So here are some simple questions that can help us differentiate between positive and negative gossip.
Before we share, let’s ask ourselves:
- Is it true and accurate?
- Do I stand to gain from this conversation?
- Is it necessary? Is it kind?
- Am I exaggerating?
- Will the person I’m speaking to benefit from the information I’m about to share?
Facts
Before we close, I wanted to share some of the facts learned while researching this post. Some of science’s findings were not surprising, but others were. For example:
- Young people tend to engage in more negative gossip than older people.
- Men and women gossip about positive and negative topics about the same amount.
- Higher economic status = more frequent gossiping
- The average person spends 52 minutes a day gossiping.
- 75% of gossip is about neutral topics. 15% is about negative stuff; 10% is positive.
Thank you as always for reading.
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Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a private sector corporate executive and 15 years (and counting) as a consultant and coach. The common thread through her professional life has been a commitment to compassionate leadership, including leading and mentoring current and future leaders, and women from all walks of life. KindCompassCoach articles are backed by research and include facts and advice from a wide variety of experts. Joan is a member of the International Organization of Life Coaches, serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.
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