Do you remember the book and movie “Love Story”? It was popular back in the 1970s, and the tagline was “Love means never having to say you’re sorry…” Although many people loved that movie, I hope few embraced that sentiment, because nothing could be further from the truth. It’s important for us to give each other an apology when the situation requires it.
In fact, apologies matter. A lot. And they’re especially important to those we love.
Whether we’re the giver or the receiver, an apology can create good feelings and dispel bad ones, if the apology is sincere and done well.
So, it’s important to remember: Saying we’re sorry when we’ve wronged someone is not only nice to do; it’s essential to healthy relationships.
And expecting someone else to apologize when they’ve done something wrong is not an unreasonable expectation, either.
How to Deliver the Best, Heartfelt Apology Ever
Someone has hurt our feelings and we think it’s pretty clear that they were in the wrong. We wait … and wait … but the apology never happens. Why?
There are a few common reasons why people hesitate to apologize or simply don’t realize they should.
Some people are not able to clearly see when they have done something wrong. Sometimes, this can be because they don’t realize what they did was wrong.
But more often, it’s because they have trouble accepting that they were at fault.
Having to own up to making a mistake or being careless with someone else’s feelings means admitting that we are less than perfect. It can bring feelings of guilt or shame to the surface.
By avoiding apologies, we’re protecting ourselves from these negative feelings.
Stronger people may emerge from delivering an apology with a bit of a “high”, a pleasant feeling of release or relief.
But for those who have a weak sense of self-worth and those who see their self-worth as being contingent on other’s approval, apologies can have a detrimental effect on well-being.
To protect themselves, these people tend to avoid delivering apologies, even when they are warranted.
Lastly, there are times an apology doesn’t happen because the person who hurt us simply doesn’t care enough to make things right.
These are the times when we must find peace with the situation ourselves and accept that an apology is not going to be forth coming.
It doesn’t mean we didn’t deserve one; it just means we don’t always get what we have a right to expect.
What Makes A “Good” Apology
Depending on what you read, there are somewhere between 3 and 6 parts to a “good” apology. But there are a few parts that everyone seems to agree on.
Take Responsibility in Your Apology
A key component of a good apology is taking responsibility for what has happened. This means acknowledging what we did and that it was wrong. This doesn’t mean saying: “I’m sorry what I said upset you.” It means saying something more like. “I was wrong to say the unkind thing I said to you.” Or “I really regret how thoughtless I was when I spoke to you earlier.” Notice the difference. It’s important to not imply that someone’s reaction was the problem.
It’s what we did to provoke the reaction that should be the focus of our apology.
Do No Offer Excuses in Your Apology
A second piece of a good apology is that it’s unqualified, and that it doesn’t include excuses or explanations for bad behavior. We should not say: “I’m sorry I was late but I had so much to do I lost track of time.” Or “I’m sorry for not showing up at your party but I had to work late.”
Excuses or explanations don’t have a place in an apology.
More appropriate would be to say: “It was wrong of me to say I was coming to your party and then not show up.” We are often so hard-wired to defend ourselves that this can be very challenging to do. But it’s important.
Giving a good apology means we keep the focus on the person we’re apologizing to – not on defending ourselves for the mistake we made.
Includes An Offer to Act
A third part of a good apology is a sincere offer to make amends. It’s okay to say this in general terms: “What can I do to make this up to you?” But it’s best if the offer is specific. “I’m sorry I was not there for you when you needed me. It was insensitive and thoughtless of me to leave when I did. Could we have dinner on Tuesday and try to make up for the lost time together?” And then, of course, we must actually do whatever we propose. The words alone mean nothing in the absence of follow through!
While apologies are most often given by one person and received by another, there are also situations when we owe ourselves a heartfelt “I’m sorry.”
Consistent with the suggestions above, it’s important that we grant ourselves the same unqualified, sincere apologies when we’ve done something that was not in our own best interest. Or when we were not as kind to ourselves as we should have been.
In these situations, it may help to think about ourselves as a good friend we cherish. “I’m sorry I was so tough on you earlier. You deserve the best from me. From now on, I’m going to put you first.”
Imagine hearing that from ourselves once in a while.
And imagine if we could get ourselves to follow through on our promise to make amends, too.
What a brighter, happier world it would be.
Not just for ourselves, but for those around us.
Because the more accepting we are of our own frailties, the easier it becomes to acknowledge when we’ve made a mistake, deliver or accept a sincere apology, hope for forgiveness, and move forward with a lesson learned and our own self-worth intact.
Because we’re in this together, and we’re all doing the best we can.
And we’re all so much more than enough.
Thank you as always for reading.
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Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a private sector corporate executive and 15 years (and counting) as a consultant and coach. The common thread through her professional life has been a commitment to compassionate leadership, including leading and mentoring current and future leaders, and women from all walks of life. KindCompassCoach articles are backed by research and include facts and advice from a wide variety of experts. Joan is a member of the International Organization of Life Coaches, serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.
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