How to Set Boundaries with Adult Kids and Overcome Guilt

Forty or fifty years ago, things were pretty clear. When you hit the age of 21, you were on your own. In some communities, the norm was even earlier – it was time to support yourself when you reached the age of 18. But over the last few decades, it has become increasingly common for parents to face challenges when it comes to establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries with adult children.

Issues related to what used to be called “cutting the cord” (striking out on one’s own) may now extend into an adult child’s 20s, 30s and beyond.

This is not a good thing.

We all thrive from healthy independence, and our children should assume responsibility for their own lives as early as is practical. Stagnating for too long with limited independence can ultimately result in arrested development, and a host of other psychological problems, too.

It’s good for our children to become independent, and it’s good for us as adults, too.

We have enough of our own issues to deal with! Let’s talk about how to set healthy boundaries with adult children so they stick.

The Importance of Boundaries with Adult Children

Setting heathy boundaries with adult children is essential to maintaining respectful relationships.

In fact, appropriate boundaries are essential to all the relationships in our lives.

Boundaries help define expectations, promote personal growth, and preserve individual identities.

By establishing clear limits, both parents and adult children can enjoy a balanced and mutually beneficial connection.

We should strive to set clear boundaries with adult children in many facets of their lives: financial, emotional, relationships, career, and more.

At a certain point, their business becomes their business – solely – and is theirs to manage, independently.

Until this happens, it can seriously limit a child’s personal growth.

1. Recognize and Acknowledge Change

As children transition into adulthood, their needs, desires, and responsibilities change.

It is essential for parents to recognize and acknowledge these changes.

By doing so, parents can adjust their expectations and adapt their approach, ensuring that boundaries are realistic and appropriate for their adult children’s stage of life.

Change is never simple or easy, but it is required – so that children can grow into responsible adults, and so that parents can shift their focus to the issues they need to deal with later in life, too.

Setting healthy boundaries helps us all to thrive.

2. Communicate Openly and Honestly

Effective communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship.

When it comes to setting boundaries with adult children, open and honest communication is paramount.

Encourage your adult children to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns, and actively listen to their perspective.

By maintaining a respectful dialogue, you can collaboratively establish boundaries with adult children that are understood and respected by both parties.

3. Establish Clear Guidelines for Health Boundaries with Adult Children

Creating clear guidelines is an essential step. Define what behaviors are acceptable and what is not within the context of your relationship.

Clearly communicate your expectations and limitations, ensuring that they align with your values and priorities.

It may also be necessary for adult children to tell you what you no longer need to be concerned about. And as parents, you should welcome this healthy step towards independence.

Provide explicit guidelines that empower your adult children to navigate the boundaries effectively.

4. Enforce Healthy Boundaries with Adult Children Consistently

Consistency is key. Make a conscious effort to follow through with the established guidelines.

By consistently upholding norms with your adult children, you demonstrate their importance and reinforce the message you are sending.

Remember, boundaries are a two-way street, and both parties must respect and adhere to them for a healthy and harmonious relationship.

5. Respect Individual Autonomy

While it is essential to set boundaries with adult children, it is equally important to respect your adult children’s autonomy.

Avoid micromanaging or imposing your values on them.

Allow them the freedom to make their own choices, even if you disagree with them.

Respecting their autonomy fosters a sense of trust and independence, further strengthening your relationship.

Seek Professional Support

If you find yourself struggling, seek professional support.

Family therapists or counselors can provide valuable guidance and strategies tailored to your specific situation.

They can help you navigate complex dynamics and develop effective communication skills, ultimately fostering healthier relationships with your adult children.

How to Establish Healthy Boundaries with Adult Children

Establishing and maintaining boundaries is an ongoing process that requires open communication, understanding, and flexibility.

Thank you as always for reading.

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KindCompassCoach

Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a private sector corporate executive and 15 years as a consultant. The common thread through her professional life has been a commitment to compassionate coaching and leadership, including mentoring early and mid-career professionals as well as current and future executives and leaders. KindCompassCoach articles are backed by research and include facts and advice from relevant experts. Joan is a member of the International Organization of Life Coaches, serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.