Many people reach a point in their self‑discovery journey when they realize they’ve been striving to meet life expectations that they never specifically or consciously chose. Careers unfold because they seem practical. Relationships continue because they’re familiar. Daily routines form around obligation rather than desire. But in quiet moments, a question begins to surface, one that sits at the heart of learning how to find your values. Put simply, we begin to ask ourselves: “What actually matters to me?”
Learning How to Find Your Values
Learning how to find your values is the process of answering that specific question with honesty and compassion. Your values are not moral commands; they’re the internal coordinates that determine how and when you feel the most aligned, steady, and connected to yourself.
When you know your values, decisions become clearer, boundaries feel more natural, and as a result of your related actions, your life begins to reflect who you truly are.
For many people, though, values feel abstract or inaccessible. Trauma, people‑pleasing, chronic stress, and cultural conditioning can blur your inner signals.
How to Find Your Values: The Challenges
People often assume values should be clear and obvious, but since they are shaped by our individual experiences, they can vary significantly, sometimes be quite difficult to interpret or define.
For example, when you grow up in an environment where your needs were minimized or your preferences dismissed, you adapted to that setting. You learned to read the room instead of speaking up for yourself. You learned to anticipate others’ wants and needs instead of listening inward for your own.
Over time, this can create internal fog. You may feel:
- Unsure of what you want.
- Disconnected from your preferences.
- Overwhelmed by decisions.
- Resentful without knowing why.
- Exhausted by relationships that don’t feel mutual.
These experiences are signs that your values have been overshadowed by survival strategies. A values discovery process can help you reconnect with the parts of you that may have been suppressed or muted along the way.
How to Find Your Values Through Lived Experience
Instead of employing long lists or complicated definitions, our value clarification method uses three lived‑experience “lanes” (energy, anger, and gratitude) to reveal what your nervous system already knows.
These lanes form the foundation of a values exercise that can help you uncover what matters most to you by tapping into your inner wisdom. As you will learn, your body, emotions, and attention already hold clues about what matters.
Each of the energy, anger, and gratitude life lanes help reveal patterns that point toward your authentic values as they also highlight a different dimension of your inner world.
Energy: The Experiences That Bring You Alive
Moments of genuine energy are windows into your values. When something aligns with what matters, your body responds. You feel more present, more engaged, more yourself.
Think about the last time you felt a spark of aliveness. Maybe it happened during a deep conversation, a creative project, a quiet morning walk, or a moment of problem‑solving that made everything click. These experiences are signals. Reflect on questions like:
- When do I feel most awake or engaged?
- What kinds of conversations leave me feeling nourished?
- Which environments help me breathe more fully?
Energy often points to values like creativity, connection, learning, beauty, or contribution. Following the trail of what enlivens you can help you begin to identify what truly matters most in your life.
Anger: Times When Boundaries Are Compromised
Anger is one of our most misunderstood emotional signals. Many of us are taught to suppress it in an effort to be agreeable or accommodating. But anger is actually powerful and important to acknowledge, because it can help us notice when our sense of rightness has been offended, or when a personal boundary has been violated.
Think about the moments that consistently frustrate or unsettle you. Maybe it’s being talked over, having your time dismissed, or witnessing unfairness. These reactions provide information. Consider these questions:
- What situations make you feel small or unseen?
- Which behaviors feel disrespectful or dismissive?
- What injustices activate something fierce in you?
Anger often points to values like fairness, honesty, autonomy, or respect. It doesn’t define the value itself, but it helps illuminate when a value has been compromised.
Gratitude: The Experiences That Nourish You
Gratitude reveals what your nervous system recognizes as nourishment. When something feels deeply good, it’s often because it aligns with a core value.
Think about the moments you replay in your mind because they felt meaningful. Maybe it’s the way a friend listened without interrupting, the steadiness of a partner who keeps their word, or the quiet joy of a morning ritual. Reflect on:
- What qualities in others do you appreciate most?
- Which experiences help you feel safe or inspired?
- What do you thank people for most often?
Gratitude often points to values like kindness, presence, stability, or generosity. These moments show you what helps you feel whole.
How to Find Your Values: The Three Lane Exercise
Once you’ve explored the three lanes, look for consistent patterns.
1: Pull out your top insights from each lane. You might notice themes like creativity, honesty, presence, or fairness.
2: Circle the words that repeat across lanes. Repetition is a strong indicator of a value.
3: Choose 5-7 candidate values. At this stage, these are hypotheses, not commitments.
4: Test your values through small experiments. Try:
- Saying no to something that drains you.
- Saying yes to something that energizes you.
- Adjusting your schedule to honor a value.
- Having a conversation guided by a value.
Your body will tell you whether a value is real. Alignment feels like relief, steadiness, or clarity. Misalignment feels like tension, resentment, or collapse.
For inspiration, explore our recommended values clarification tools.
How to Find Your Values: Using 1 Sentence Statements
Values become useful when you can articulate them simply. A one‑sentence statement helps you apply your values to real decisions. Use this structure: “I value X because it helps me feel Y.” Examples:
- “I value honesty because it helps me feel grounded.”
- “Creativity is a strong value for me because it helps me feel alive.”
- “I value reliability because it helps me feel safe.”
- “I value spaciousness because it helps me think clearly.”
These statements become anchors for values and decision making, boundaries, and daily choices.
How to Find Your Values: Decisions and Boundaries
Once you know your values, it is easier to make decisions that honor them and yourself. Instead of asking, “What should I do?” you begin asking, “What choice aligns with my values?” Try using questions like:
- Which option supports the value I’m trying to demonstrate in my life?
- What decision helps me feel like the person I’m becoming?
- How would I choose if I trusted my values fully?
Values also make boundaries easier. When a boundary is rooted in a value, it feels purposeful rather than punitive. You might say:
- “I’m choosing this because it supports my value of rest.”
- “This boundary helps me honor my value of honesty.”
Soon, boundaries become expressions of self‑respect rather than acts of self‑protection.
When Values Bring You Back to Yourself
Imagine someone named Mara. She has spent years saying yes to everything. Extra work, emotional labor, social plans she doesn’t enjoy. Her days feel full, but her life feels empty. She can’t remember the last time she made a decision based on desire rather than obligation.
One evening, she sits quietly with a notebook and begins exploring how to find her values using the three lanes. As she reflects, patterns emerge. Creativity shows up in her energy lane. Voice appears in her anger lane. Presence repeats in her gratitude lane. These themes feel familiar, like parts of herself she once knew.
Over the next week, she experiments. She blocks off one hour for creative work and practices saying, “Let me think about that,” instead of automatically agreeing to new commitments. She chooses one friend who feels safe and shares something honest.
None of these actions are dramatic, yet each one shifts something inside her. As Mara begins to return to her values, decisions start to feel less confusing. Boundaries feel less terrifying. Her relationships begin to adjust. Some deepen, some drift, all become more honest.
How to Find Your Values: Living a Values‑Anchored Life
Values aren’t fixed. They evolve as you grow, heal, and step into new chapters. What matters most is staying in a close relationship with them. When you regularly check in with your energy, anger, and gratitude, it helps you to stay connected to your inner compass.
There’s no need to chase perfection. Just stay curious about what feels alive, what feels wrong, and what feels nourishing. And live your life based on those clues.
Use the three-lane approach to tap into your internal values and begin to live a fuller life in alignment with your core beliefs and principles, today.
Thank you as always for reading.
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Joan Morabito Senio is the founder of Kindness-Compassion-and-Coaching.com. Joan’s career includes clinical healthcare plus 20+ years as an executive in a nationwide health care system and 15 years as a consultant. The common threads throughout Joan’s personal and professional life are a commitment to non-profit organizations, mental health, compassionate coaching, professional development and servant leadership. She is a certified Neuroscience Coach, member of the International Organization of Life Coaches, serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is also a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me. You can read more about Joan here: Joan Senio.
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