For many of us, the most persistent obstacle to being assertive is the internal voice that rushes in whenever we try. Our inner critic can be loud and convincing, shaped by early survival strategies, cultural messages, and past hurts. It tells us to shrink, to smooth, to fix, to be smaller so others stay comfortable or satisfied.
Our true voice, by contrast, is quiet and wise, but lacks strength and visibility. We may not even realize it’s still there after years of shushing it into submission. But it knows what we really need.
Today, we discuss how to harness the power of assertiveness to quiet our inner critic and give our true voice the attention it deserves.
Assertiveness Training for Beginners
Welcome to the second installment in our Assertiveness Training for Beginners series. If you would like to start the course from the beginning, you can find the first segment at: How to Be Assertive When It Doesn’t Come Naturally.
This 8-part series covers the nature of assertiveness, how to develop assertiveness skills and how to apply them in different situations.
We also discuss factors that may lead us to have difficulty with assertiveness, how to deal with the root and developmental causes of our challenges, provide resources and tools to support recovery, and much more.
What the Inner Critic Is Doing
The inner critic is not necessarily our enemy. It is a protector that learned a particular strategy for keeping us safe earlier in life.
In childhood, aggression, abandonment, or conditional love may teach us that survival means pleasing, minimizing needs, or hiding desires.
Our inner critic prompts us to continue to implement that strategy throughout our lives by scanning for signs of danger like potential rejection, conflict, or disapproval on an ongoing basis.
As we mature, our inner critic can begin to sound more like a bully, insisting that we heed its warnings and mimic previous behavior patterns.
It feels persuasive because these strategies once worked to protect us from harm.
The persistence of our inner critic comes at a huge cost because the critic’s goal is safety, not growth. It equates being small with being secure. And it measures success by others’ comfort rather than by our alignment with to our own values.
Left unchecked, the inner critic erodes curiosity, creativity, intimacy and the possibility of joy. It also hijacks moments of potential assertiveness. This can turn a planned expression of need into a rehearsal of apologies and justifications.
Unsure of whether your inner critic is overpowering you? Take the Inner Critic Quiz to get a sense of where you stand.
What Your True Voice Sounds Like
Our true voice presents differently. It is grounded in our own experience, and it says, I notice this, I need that, I prefer this, or I will not accept that anymore.
Our true voice does not demand or manipulate.
It tends to be succinct and connected to specific needs or values. It can sound timid at first because it has been out of practice, but it carries a steadiness that the critic lacks.
Over time, as we practice saying what we mean and following through, our true voice gains confidence and becomes easier to locate.
How the Inner Critic and Your True Voice Interact
When we try to be assertive, the inner critic often jumps in, questioning motives, forecasting catastrophe, or inventing moral infractions.
The body responds: our breath constricts, throat tightens, heart races. That physical alarm strengthens the critic’s language, and circularly, the critic’s words amplify the alarm.
Assertiveness training provides tools to interrupt that loop.
It teaches practical communication skills as it also trains the body. Through rehearsal, roleplay, and graded exposure to speaking up, both the nervous system and the critic learn new outcomes.
Over time, the inner critic begins to receive evidence that saying no does not always produce disaster.
The body learns new regulation patterns. This recalibration allows our true voice to become more audible to both ourselves and the people around us.
Where the Inner Critic Comes From
Many sources can contribute to our inner critic’s voice.
- Attachment dynamics in early relationships set a template for how safe we felt to express needs.
- Cultural messages shape whether assertiveness was labeled as admirable or threatening.
- Trauma, large or small, teaches the nervous system which strategies resulted in caring and approval and which provoked harm.
- Repeated experiences of dismissal or punishment crystallize specific rules. Do not be seen, do not burden, do not bother.
These internalized instructions and inputs are what informs our inner critic early in life.
Recognizing that the inner critic is built from experience can help us treat it with curiosity rather than contempt.
It changes the work from battling an enemy to retraining an old guard that only has one legitimate job: to protect you.
That guard needs updated knowledge, intelligence and tactics that support our present-day safety.
Practices That Let Your True Voice Be Heard
Overcoming the inner critic through assertiveness begins with awareness. The critic often speaks in automatic patterns that trigger physical tension and self‑doubt. But these responses can be interrupted and reshaped.
The following strategies offer practical ways to quiet the critic’s intensity, strengthen our confidence, and build a compassionate dialogue with ourselves, so our true voice can emerge.
- Notice your often automatic physical and behavioral responses. This practice is essential because it prevents autopilot from kicking in. Notice what the critic says and how the body responds without making the voice wrong. Name the sensation: tight chest, hollow stomach, buzzing in the throat. This reduces the inner critic’s emotional intensity and gives you room to choose.
- Use grounding to regulate the body. A steady exhale, a slow belly breath, or a hand on your chest creates physiological feedback that the moment is not a catastrophe. These simple acts are the bridge between thinking and speaking.
- Practice short scripts aloud until they feel natural. Begin with statements that are brief and factual about the situation and your need. Practice them in neutral tones and roleplay both the request and the likely pushback. This rehearsal is the core of assertiveness training because it couples behavioral rehearsal with emotional regulation.
- Journal to track patterns. Writing helps externalize the inner critic and uncover repeated themes. Notice the situations that trigger the critic. The specific messages it uses. The consequences when it wins. Then write how your true voice would respond in the same scenario. Over time you will build a repository of responses that feel authentic and doable.
- Use compassionate inquiry. Ask the critic, “What are you trying to protect me from?”. Often the critic will reveal an old rule that no longer applies. Ask yourself if that risk is still present, because chances are, it is not. Thank the critic, but state that you are choosing a different action. This type of dialogue reframes the inner critic as a team member or advisor instead of an adversary.
Practices from Assertiveness Training That Build Internal Safety
Assertiveness training exercises integrate nervous system work with communication skills.
One exercise is graded exposure. This involves starting with small acts of speaking up in low-risk settings and increase the difficulty gradually.
Each successful attempt recalibrates the critic because it accumulates evidence that your needs can be expressed without catastrophic fallout.
Another exercise is empathy framed boundaries.
Practice expressing a limit while acknowledging the other person’s position. This skill trains emotional nuance. You can be firm but still demonstrate understanding. This reduces the likelihood that the other person will respond with anger or withdrawal.
Roleplay with a coach or trusted partner. The safety of the rehearsal space matters. In roleplay you can practice tone, pacing, and containment. You can also test responses to expected pushback and refine your wording.
Coaches who specialize in assertiveness training can provide immediate feedback and help you build muscle memory for steady presence.
Rewriting the Critic’s Narrative
Changing your inner life requires data because the critic responds to proof.
Track small wins and collect them. When you see a pattern of manageable outcomes, the critic’s predictions will begin to lose power.
Pair this evidence with corrective self-talk that is neither permissive nor harsh. For example, replace “I must do this to be loved”, with “I can keep my limits and also be loved.”
This is how to update your internal script with facts that support a new default.
When to Seek Support
Some inner critics are backed by deep trauma, family patterning, or medical conditions. These factors can make change slower or more complex. Professional support helps.
A therapist or coach can offer containment, targeted interventions, and a consistent practice partner.
Assertiveness training in a therapeutic or coaching context often accelerates progress. This is because it combines behavioral practice, nervous system regulation, and corrective emotional experiences.
Seek help if attempts to be assertive repeatedly result in dangerous escalation. Or if emotional reactions are so intense they impair basic functioning.
Professional spaces provide safety to experiment and to repair without added cost to your relationships.
Integrating the Change into Daily Life
The goal is not to eliminate the voice of the inner critic entirely, but to align its voice to present reality. And to make your true voice reliably accessible.
Integrate short practices into daily life.
Perhaps start with a morning check-in that asks, “What matters most for me today and how will I show up for myself?” Or an evening intentional reflection on the day, focused on how you successfully acted and advocated for your true self.
This keeps the work ongoing and at the top of mind without overwhelming your schedule.
If it feels right, share with others what you are doing. You do not need to explain the entire history of your inner life. But sharing that you are practicing assertiveness training and that you may need to step away or ask for clearer communication helps others respond differently.
How to Overcome Your Inner Critic: The Long View
The work of overcoming your inner critic is cumulative.
Each practiced boundary and spoken truth strengthens your true voice and weakens the critic’s grip. It also rewrites the social expectations around you. People learn what is possible in a relationship with you.
Over months, your nervous system adapts, and speaking up evolves from being an anxious experience to being a calm habit.
Assertiveness training is not about changing who you are. It’s about reclaiming the person you were always meant to be.
And recognizing that your needs are important, and you are worthy of care and consideration.
If you’re ready to proceed to the next installment in the Assertiveness series, it’s ready for you: How to Say No, Be Assertive & Set Boundaries without Guilt.
Each class is designed to support you with both inner work and outer practice. Our goal is to help you find your own voice and cultivate your ability to clearly and respectfully advocate for your own needs.
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Joan Senio is the founder of Kindness-Compassion-and-Coaching.com. Joan’s career includes clinical healthcare plus 20+ years as an executive in a nationwide health care system and 15 years as a consultant. The common threads throughout Joan’s personal and professional life are a commitment to non-profit organizations, mental health, compassionate coaching, professional development and servant leadership. She is a certified Neuroscience Coach, member of the International Organization of Life Coaches, serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is also a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me. You can read more about Joan here: Joan Senio.
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