How to Recognize Unresolved Childhood Trauma in Adults

We have all had to interact with people who we find immature or irresponsible. It can be annoying and frustrating. Both at home and work, it’s difficult to tolerate people who don’t own their own mistakes. People who avoid difficult conversations. Or resist committing to deadlines or goals. It’s easy to form opinions about people when they exhibit behaviors like this. Maybe we think of them as selfish or self-centered. They may come off as defensive, too. Or arrogant or egotistical. Sadly, there may be something lurking beneath the surface that drives their behavior. It may be something as serious as unresolved childhood trauma. So before judging someone to harshly, it’s worth pausing to reflect.

Read on to learn more about the condition known as ‘arrested development’, sometimes also referred to as “failure to launch”.

We will also discuss strategies to address arrested development, including uncovering its root causes, which may include unresolved childhood trauma.

The Nature of Unresolved Childhood Trauma

The term ‘childhood trauma’ can apply to a wide range of experiences and circumstances. Some undeniably serious and life-altering situations involve physical, emotional, or verbal abuse or neglect. Children may also experience trauma due to the death or serious illness of a parent, sibling or other loved one.

Other situations, that may seem less significant to grown adults, can critically impact children, too.

For example, instances of humiliation or embarrassment at school, which may involve a teacher or coach.

Or traumatic reactions to bullying from other children or siblings.

Even multiple childhood relocations or changes in schools can result in unresolved childhood trauma, if the transitions are poorly navigated and a child is not given the support they need as they adapt to their new environment.

Clearly, trauma in and of itself can impact a child seriously.

Nevertheless, many traumatic experiences can be dealt with and overcome.

Children are incredibly resilient given the appropriate support systems to enable them to appropriately process their trauma.

This is what makes or breaks a child’s ability to cope and move beyond their instances of childhood trauma.

Children must also feel safe, secure and loved.

Parents, or other family or community members who provide support and attention can often help guide a child through and beyond the trauma they have experienced.

Depending on the nature of the trauma, and the child’s reaction to it, effective resolution of the trauma may also require professional or counseling.

How Arrested Development and Unresolved Childhood Trauma Impacts Relationships

Unresolved childhood trauma impacts the child immediately however, it may continue to impact them throughout their lives.

In certain situations, where childhood trauma is not effectively resolved, the child may become stuck at a certain level of maturity, and not be able to move on beyond it – ever.

When this state of arrested development occurs, it impacts every relationship in a person’s life.

In personal relationships, when one partner is immature, the other often bears a disproportionate amount of responsibility.

For chores, financial decisions, and pretty much anything else that may fall under the umbrella commonly referred to as “adulting”.

In addition, the partner bearing the additional responsibilities may meet with resistance when they attempt to discuss emotional issues.

This may mean that they are unable to discuss their frustration with the relationship dynamic.

And a relationship where communication is limited usually has a low probability of success.

The immature partner is no doubt struggling, too.

It is not comfortable to be stuck at a developmental stage from earlier in life as you witness others grow and move on.

Individuals who experience arrested development may or may not be aware of the root cause of their reluctance to commit.

They may feel lost and frustrated.

And as difficult as it may be, it’s important to understand, those who suffer from arrested development are not being difficult on purpose.

Unfortunately, this complicated and difficult situation can result in one or both partners feeling isolated, unhappy, and lonely, and wondering about the potential future and promise of their relationship.

In extreme cases, relationships like this may become too difficult to bear, and ultimately, may fall apart.

Discover Unresolved Trauma and Overcome Arrested Development in Relationships

There is good news, however. It is possible for those with arrested development to enter into and build healthy relationships, given certain critical success factors.

The first is that the immature partner must recognize their affliction and be willing to do the necessary hard work to overcome it.

This may involve difficult introspection, therapy or other means to explore long buried conflicts and, in particular, any unresolved childhood trauma.

The second is that they must have a supportive partner, who is willing to work together with them as they seek to explore and resolve the underlying causes of their behavior.

Together, a couple committed to reaching the next stage of their relationship can do so, as adults, as long as they have the right support systems and resources in place.

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Joan Senio is the founder of KindCompassCoach. Her career includes 20+ years as a private sector corporate executive, 15 years as a consultant and a lifetime of experience as a coach. The common thread through her professional life has been a commitment to compassionate leadership, including mentoring current and future leaders, and people from all walks of life. KindCompassCoach articles are backed by research and include facts and advice from a wide variety of experts. Joan is a member of the International Organization of Life Coaches, serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me.