It’s so challenging to know one another, for real. To feel comfortable being our true authentic selves. Our closest friends and family are often clueless about the invisible battles we are fighting, alone. And we are equally unaware of the challenges they may be facing, too.
Something that happened recently brought this home to me. A person I’ve known for a long time described me as “fearless”. I had to double-check to confirm that he was talking about me. Because I spend a good part of my life pretty darn scared. Yes, he insisted, “You are fearless.” So, I guess he has no clue about one of the battles I struggle with daily. The battle to overcome fear.
Fighting An Invisible Battle: Overcoming Fear
When he said this to me, it made me appreciate how well we often mask our true selves to those around us. Even those who we think know us well often don’t really know us at all.
True to form, I didn’t tell him that this woman he thinks of as “fearless” quakes on the inside, often, every single day.
I was surprised that my inner weakness was not more apparent, whether it be through my body language, words, or attitude.
If I’m doing such a good job of hiding my fear, it must be buried quite deep. I wonder at the extent of damage that must be hidden deep down inside.
What am I afraid of? Just about everything. Disappointing someone. Not having what it takes to meet a new challenge.
Fear that someone is going to realize I’ve been a total imposter throughout my career.
Or that I truly deserve some unkind labels that have been assigned to me. Beyond these things, I’m often worried about what the future holds: for me, for my family, for our country and the world.
Then there are times that I just have an inexplicable fear that something bad is going to happen.
Fighting Fear Is Just One Example of An Invisible Battle
Fear is one emotion I’m familiar with, since I carry it with me more often than not. All day and most of the night, too.
Sometimes my fears are well founded. Sometimes they are not – they just exist; and I have to co-exist with them.
All that adrenaline coursing in the background, ready to spew, strike, paralyze me or, conversely, make me shake. Fearlessness, I’m not so acquainted with.
Who Have I Misjudged?
As I reflect on my colleague’s remark about me, I wonder how many people I’ve misunderstood.
- The petulant co-worker who rejects support, who I’ve always thought of as having a superiority complex.
- Or the family member who shuns affection, who I’ve always thought of as cold.
- There’s also the client who is short-tempered and brusque, who I’ve always thought of as unhappy.
No doubt, I’ve incorrectly inferred their personality characteristics based on the face they have chosen to show me, too. There was a second thought that really got me going, though.
Fighting Invisible Battles vs. Authenticity
I’ve always thought of myself as being authentic in my relationships, and transparent about what I’m experiencing. Yet I project a false impression of how I feel, even to people close to me.
As I said, the person who made the observation about me being “fearless” knows me really well. If he doesn’t see the real me, I wonder if anyone does?
And that got me to thinking about why I behave this way.
Memories and fighting Invisible Battles
There are times when “new” memories flood my mind; memories I’ve buried so deep, it’s almost as though they never happened to me. But as I explore my own thoughts and feelings, these jewels keep coming to the surface.
I know they happened, but I feel as though I’m living them, almost for the first time. I have many “new memories” like this. One in particular feels right to share now. Because it sheds light on another invisible battle.
A Personal Invisible Battle
There was a time when I confided to someone close to me that I’d been diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. Though I usually think long and hard about taking risks, this came out of me unexpectedly, in a moment of weakness, on a particularly bad day.
The truth was, I was at a breaking point. I didn’t know if I was going to make it through the rest of my workday without falling apart.
As I spoke to this person on the phone, my emotions got the better of me; I felt an incredible urge to confide, to open up, to know that I could count on her to support me, and to feel her kindness. Sadly, she was not kind or supportive.
In fact, she yelled at me. Her exact words (they still ring in my ears today, many years later) were: “What the hell do you have to be depressed about?”. Apparently, because I had a good job, and a family, I wasn’t “entitled” to have the illness that I’ve now battled for over 30 years.
Sharing Invisible Battles with Others Is Risky
What I took away from this experience was that I was selfish and weak and ungrateful, and I didn’t deserve anyone’s care or sympathy. That my anxiety was a character flaw I should simply be able to overcome.
What was wrong with me? Is it any wonder that today, someone I spend a great deal of time believes me to be “fearless” when nothing could be further from the truth?
We Are Taught to Hide Our Invisible Battles
We are taught to cover our weaknesses, to hide our invisible battles, to shield ourselves with armor to survive; to pretend to be something we’re not; to live a life that others deem valuable. All the while, wrenching inside, frightened to death, wondering how we can feel worthy when there’s no one who truly knows us at all?
My hope is that we can all become braver. After all, we can be full of fear yet still be brave. In fact, we can be full of fear and be amazingly courageous and do the bravest thing of all.
Let the walls come down, the armor come off, and cast the masks aside. Stop pretending to be something we’re not.
Being Kind Is a Gateway to Authenticity
I also hope we can each recognize the need to continually strive to more kind, sympathetic and tolerant. To listen to all people, including those we may think of as unbreakable. And to realize their own struggles may be worse than our own, despite appearances.
To be receptive, and to want to make others feel safe and loved in our presence. We need to find compassion for each other, and ourselves, we simply must. How can we do this, if we don’t expose ourselves and all our frailties?
Fighting Invisible Battles Makes Us Stronger
Me, fearless? No way. But I think I’m strong. In fact, I’m a warrior who’s been through battles few, if any, knew were being waged.
I need to keep fighting, trying hard to show up for others, and to turn the other cheek when surrounded by people who have no understanding, or who are unkind. But also own my responsibility.
There were those who could have been more consoling and supportive – but I could also have been braver. I could have worked harder to overcome my fear of telling those I love what was really going on.
Invisible Battles Give Us New Chances to Be Brave
So, each day, brings new battles, but it also brings new challenges, and with them, new chances to be brave. To be “fearless”. I hope we all continue to grow and find love on this journey.
And that we find a way to show each other our true selves; to perhaps even share with others our invisible battles; knowing we are each so much more than enough.
Thank you as always for reading.
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Joan Morabito Senio is the founder of Kindness-Compassion-and-Coaching.com. Joan’s career includes clinical healthcare plus 20+ years as an executive in a nationwide health care system and 15 years as a consultant. The common threads throughout Joan’s personal and professional life are a commitment to non-profit organizations, mental health, compassionate coaching, professional development and servant leadership. She is a certified Neuroscience Coach, member of the International Organization of Life Coaches, serves as a thought-leader for KuelLife.com and is also a regular contributor to PsychReg and Sixty and Me. You can read more about Joan here: Joan Senio.
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