How to be a Good Mom: 5 Heartfelt Lessons

silhouette photo of a mother carrying her baby at beach during golden hour

Being a mom to my children has been an incredible journey, adventure and privilege so far. Truth be told, I haven’t always been a great mom. In fact, I’ve messed up, quite a few times. But what that means is, I’ve learned a few lessons. Lessons I wish I’d discovered earlier in my life and theirs. So, this post shares 5 Heartfelt lessons I’ve learned so far about how to be a good mom.

No doubt my kids wish I’d been a quicker learner!

But at least I eventually figured a few things out.

I hope sharing these lessons may benefit younger moms, or moms of the future.

Maybe even help them to be that great mom we all wish we could be.

How to Be a Good Mom: Lessons Learned

The Skills That Matter the Least

Of course, I’ve learned much about how to care for young ones.

I’ve picked up tactics about how to get a child to sleep, how to navigate the teenage years, etc.

But this post isn’t about tips and tricks like that.

Because, frankly, the most important and hardest lessons I’ve learned about how to be a good mom have little to do with the care of the kids.

They have much more to do with me.

I’m calling these “lessons”, but this is not the best choice of word.

Learning a lesson implies that you have mastered something.

The lessons about how to be a good mom are about things I wish I’d known, but still haven’t mastered.

There are feelings I wish I could adopt.

And priorities I’ve been unable to be true to, as a woman and as a parent.

How to be a Good Mom: Lesson #1 Failing is Required

Far from mastery, what I realize more and more as time passes, is how fundamentally I have failed (and continue to fail) at many things in my role as a mom.

Thankfully, I’ve also begun to accept that failing is truly a sign of great intention.

And that it’s okay, acceptable, preferable, and pretty much, required.

It’s a necessary part of learning.

Because without failure, we never improve.

I have had mentors who have said, “If we’re not failing, we’re not trying hard enough; we’re not taking enough risks or trying new things often enough.”

So just as I hope my children will learn from their mistakes, and find value in them, I hope to learn from my own – but not feel less worthy because of them.

Another lesson from motherhood that I have learned, but not mastered is equally if not more significant.

And perhaps it is even more important one to pass on to younger moms who are trying to do it all.

How to be a Good Mom: Lesson #2: Self-Love Needs to Be Job 1

Another lesson from motherhood that I have learned, but not mastered is equally if not more significant.

I wasn’t the best mom I could’ve been because I often didn’t do things that may have made me a happier, more fulfilled woman and person.

This is not an elaborate plea for praise, or a passive aggressive cry for validation of my martyrdom.

It’s not public self-flagellation or a ploy for sympathy.

It’s just simply an honest and true confession and kind of epiphany.

I read so many articles that told me to take care of myself, and what that meant.

But I blithely ignored them all, thinking I knew better, just how far I could stretch things.

I skipped opportunities to indulge in small luxuries, like an occasional visit to a spa, or a purchase of some special cosmetics or perfumes – or even a periodic girls’ weekend with my sisters.

There’s so much I wish I could undo but can’t.

And there are things I’m still actively trying to change and improve upon.

Yet again, and thankfully, I have begun to realize that I’m willing to forgive myself, for all of it.

Why the Learning Never Ends

Of course, I’m still learning, even at this stage of late mid-life.

And struggling more often than I would like to admit.

Though my children are now adults, independent and thriving on their own, to this day I still cannot comprehend the direction: “put on your own oxygen mask before attempting to aid your child”.

How can a parent find the strength to know this is the right thing to do, and do it?

Obtain our own oxygen before ensuring our child can breathe?

It’s as foreign to us as eating another human alive.

And trust me, it doesn’t matter how old they are – once you have them, you simply lose the instinct to take care of yourself first.

So, it’s actually hard work to do the smart things, the things that feel selfish, that we must do to be our own best selves.

I believe there’s nothing that matches the fierceness of our natural parental instincts. They tell us: make sure that baby is breathing, is fed and warm.

Make sure that child is in no distress before even contemplating anything akin to self-care or self-preservation.

But in reality, it seems our parental instincts should include a more powerful urge to nurture and protect ourselves, doesn’t it?

Because our children need us to be at our best.

Why has evolution failed us in this regard? (Sounds like a subject for another blog post!)

Let’s Praise Ourselves for Being the Best Mom We Can Be

I so admire the few moms I have known whose self-worth is so sturdy that they can readily address their own needs and wants without guilt.

Those few women are certainly the exception to the rule, at least as far as I can see.

They are rare and powerful.

Somehow, they can, at times, compartmentalize motherhood, to be the best person they can be, for everyone. Including themselves.

This is a skill few of us have been taught, a skill rarely modeled.

A practice I wish I had known was essential to being the best mother I could be – for everyone concerned.

And a behavior I so wish I had modeled better for my own daughter and son, as future parents.

There is another lesson I’ve learned that brings me comfort.

How to be a Good Mom Lesson #3: Coaching is Critical

It’s our job to coach, encourage, motivate, inspire and comfort our children so they may be the best version of themselves.

The best they are capable of. Not the best compared to everyone else. Or the best in their class. Or the best on the team.

The best version of themselves.

So, the same should apply to us as parents, right?

That our aspiration should be to be the best parent we’re capable of being.

And maybe if we achieve that, that should be our own personal “great”?

So mixed in with the regret of being unable to master the hard lessons of motherhood, there is also the realization that I must show myself self-compassion and forgiveness for my shortcomings.

Just as I have encouraged them to do.

If We’ve Earned It, We Should Give Ourselves an A for Effort

Like most moms, I tried hard, sought out guidance and counseling when I thought it might help, shared with other mothers and parents.

And above all else, I did my best to listen to what I heard my children saying.

As I said, I definitely did not always get it right. I was not the best mom and in fact, I failed often, spectacularly.

And in so doing, I’d like to think I demonstrated how much I wanted to be the best mother they could ever have.

How strong and good my intentions were. I hope.

This is tough stuff, being a mother, a father, a parent.

Especially when we are all still children ourselves, deep down inside, forever.

We still and will always crave the approval and validation of our own parents — even after they are gone.

But their idea of good parenting was likely very different from the parenting we see as ideal today.

This, in and of itself, can bring more consternation.

But it’s merely the tip of the iceberg. In fact, the conflicts and complexities surrounding parenting abound.

But the more I think and write and pray, the more one thing emerges clear as day, again and again.

Beneath the complexity and the regret and the desire to be worthy, the same eternal and fundamental truth comes back to me.

In everything, compassion is the key.

How to be a Good Mom Lesson #4: Compassion Is the Key

Compassion is the key to healthy parenting. Compassion for ourselves, compassion for our children, and compassion for each other.

So be the best mom, dad, parent you know how to be, and know that it is enough, and you are worthy.

The fact that you are reading this post is proof enough.

You are worthy of self-care, self-love and happiness.

Worthy of your own oxygen mask.

Let’s agree to know these things and also convey them to each other, at every opportunity, more often than necessary and with as much passion as we can muster.

Because:

How to be a Good Mom Lesson #5: Being a great mom means taking care of ourselves first, sometimes.

We are mothers and parents, and we are stronger together.

More than anything, we must know – we are all so much more than enough.

In the mood for more positivity? Check out: Happiness is Having a Full Jar.

Thank you as always for reading.

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7 Responses

  1. Love this one, Joan! As I was reading it, I was talking to you saying it’s about the intentions and then you said it – Hahaha! I have been struggling with a couple of my kids now, thinking what did I do wrong, but I know there is no answer to that. I always did the best I could, putting them first. Parenting is sooo difficult and there is no one size fits all subscription to how to do it. None of us is perfect. Compassion is the key … love you. xoxo

  2. Michelle says:

    Parenting is probably the hardest job I’ve ever done. I know I’ve messed up a time or two, but at least I learned from my mistakes instead of continuing to do them. There is no such thing as the perfect parent. We do what we can with what we have and we always try our best. Great post!!

  3. Jen says:

    This is great! I have been trying to display good self care for my children. For instance, some nights, my husband completely takes over bed time so “mommy can rest.” I hope it teaches them to take care of themselves as they get older.

    • Kindness, Compassion and Coaching says:

      Jen, thank you so much for reading and commenting. And Kudos to your husband! He sounds like a keeper!

  4. Olivia Rose says:

    When it comes to parenting there’s no real handbook. We’re all just winging it. Literally giving what we have and hoping that’s enough.You are right in saying that everyone is worthy of self-care, self-love and happiness. These are literally words of my mouth.

  5. LJ says:

    Yes yea and YES! We have to talk in this fashion more. We need to express the ‘joys and pain’ of motherhood that many just sweep under the rug. Our children were given to us for a divine reason from this universe and we all learn valuable lessons in the process.

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