Over the last decade or so, there has been a tremendous amount of research related to positive psychology. Much of it focuses on the subject of kindness.  When I’m feeling down or need encouragement, reading up on positive psychology and especially kindness provides me a real lift. Somehow, learning more about a healthy practice that brings so many benefits to all of us is often just the thing I need to lift my spirits.  

The Physical Impact of Kindness

It’s no secret that what we feel emotionally often impacts us physically. 

When we feel embarrassed, our faces flush. 

If we are anxious, we sweat, or our hands may shake. 

When we are excited, our hearts race. 

So, it’s not surprising that there are physical impacts to the feelings we associate with giving or receiving kindness, too.

Even Thinking About Kindness Has Benefits

There is research that indicates that even just thinking about kindness can impact us.

Having kind thoughts creates physical changes in the parts of our brain believed to be the positivity, compassion and empathy centers.

These changes lead to the natural production of serotonin.

Which in turn helps us feel all those wonderful feelings that kindness brings about.   

Isn’t this incredible?

We don’t even have to do anything – we just have to think kind thoughts.

Oxytocin

Kindness also leads to the production of another hormone, oxytocin. Oxytocin initiates contractions during childbirth, and stimulates lactation in new mothers.

But the rest of us react to the production of oxytocin, too.

For one, oxytocin helps us feel trust. It also reduces fear and anxiety.

The feelings we experience when we love one another are largely due to the presence of oxytocin.

And we all know how good loves makes us feel.

Perhaps the most amazing thing is that oxytocin is no longer believed to be only produced in the brain. 

New research indicates that oxytocin is also actually produced by the heart – and that its production there benefits our entire cardiovascular system. 

Does giving or receiving kindness bring about a warm feeling around your heart? 

Now you know why.  Who knew?

It Makes Us Feel Good

So now we have a few more reasons to be kind.

It isn’t just the right thing to do.

Being kind or thinking about kindness actually has a physical impact on our bodies, naturally producing hormones in our brain and heart that improve not only our mental state and well-being, but also our cardiovascular health.

So, let’s not waste another moment. 

Think kind thoughts. Do kind things. And let’s do them to one another – and give ourselves a double dose!

Sometimes It Hurts to Be Kind

Kindness usually benefits both givers and recipients. 

But there are times when being kind may actually result in negative feelings.

Here are 3 times kindness can hurt:

1. When we are kind with an expectation of something in return like praise, a favor, gratitude, validation or approval.
2. If we do something we really don’t want to do because we think it will make someone happy. This can be something like getting up with the kids at night (when your partner is long overdue to pitch in) or covering for someone at work who doesn’t ever return the favor.  These situations are usually more likely to lead to resentment than happiness.
3. When we are doing something out of a sense of obligation. For example, someone else did something for us and we feel the need to reciprocate; or we have a soundtrack running in our head that keeps playing, “I’ll be a bad friend/daughter/person if I don’t….”

These are times when doing something kind is not the same thing as being kind.

We’re only being kind when we do something without any expected reward or recognition, and we do it solely because we want to.  No strings attached.

When Kindness Is Unappreciated

When we are truly kind, we don’t expect anything in return.  But we don’t ever deserve to be treated like a doormat, either.

If we find ourselves giving, giving, giving kindness and it is met with ingratitude or disrespect, has become an expectation, or is unnoticed or unappreciated – it may be time to channel our positive energy in another direction.

Because that’s a situation where giving the kindness may not be making us (or someone else) feel better after all.

There has to be a balance.  We are all worthy of kindness. 

But some folks just aren’t in a place where they have it to give.

And some people are not able to accept it.  In some situations that means folks may need our kindness all the more.  In others, it may mean we need to put our own self-worth first.  So, let’s keep being kind – but keep in mind the 3 times kindness can hurt. And let’s take care of ourselves, too!

Random Acts

For a while, “random acts of kindness” were often in the news.

Random acts of kindness included things like people paying the toll for the car behind them or giving out free hugs on a city street.  

Some folks left flowers or kind notes under windshield wipers.

Occasionally, I’d read about a grander gesture, like someone organizing a fund-raiser to help another in need.

Or someone would coordinate bringing a group together to renovate a home.

I don’t come across random act of kindness stories as often as I used to. 

The grander stuff still seems to get some airtime (though most of it does seem to have a promotional angle).  Please let me know if there’s a happy channel I’m missing!

It’s Also Good for Us

If the fervor for random acts of kindness is dying down, it’s too bad.

Performing an act of kindness is wonderful for the recipient but it’s also one of the best things we can do for our own health. 

And unlike other things, when we give kindness away, our own supply is not diminished.

It’s a bottomless cup that we can keep pouring from. 

In fact, the cup seems to be replenished faster the more often we share what’s inside, the more generous we become.

I read a great analogy that likened giving away kindness to lighting a candle from another candle.

The original candle doesn’t burn any less bright.  And we can light as many candles as we choose to – the fire doesn’t burn out.

Kindness Is Contagious

Another remarkable thing about kindness is how quickly and easily it can spread.  Almost like wildfire!  It is amazing to watch the impact a smile can have on people we pass on the street.

I think most folks are a little lost in their own worlds. 

Sometimes they just need a nudge to remind them that smiling is within their control.

And when they get that brief reminder – they feel better.

Hopefully, those smiles I’m giving away on the street are having an impact on the recipients (and people they pass, too).

Although with our masks on most of the time, people have to look more closely to realize there’s a smile under there.

But either way, I think I’ll keep doing it.

Do you think we could bring back the random acts of kindness movement?

It would be great to see kindness and laughter and warmth in unexpected places, bringing smiles to people who don’t anticipate good things.

Imagine if we could impact the news cycle – even just for a few hours – how awesome would that be?

I’m going to focus some energy on random acts of kindness over the next week, to start.  I hope you’ll join me.

Please post your ideas – how could we impact a large group all at once? 

What could make a big impact on people with a particular challenge?  Which random act is your favorite to give?  What gift would make your day to receive?

What does kindness look like?

When asked to describe kind people, we often use words like “easy to get along with” or “agreeable” or “nice”. While these adjectives may apply, demonstrating true kindness entails much more than just being someone who does not rock the boat.

Kind people so regularly consider other people’s feelings and perspectives that it comes naturally to them. 

They sense when others are troubled, or are struggling, and instinctively jump in and do what can be done to relieve another’s pressure or suffering.  Kindness can result in heroic actions, but more often it shows up as small but meaningful gestures.

But demonstrating kindness goes well beyond caring for others during hard times.

Kind people genuinely wish others well and celebrate other people’s happiness and blessings.  Interestingly, researchers have shown that the way we respond to someone’s good news is a better indicator of how kind we are than how we respond to others when they are in trouble.

Kindness, Compassion and Self-Compassion

Sometimes, we think being kind will make us seem weak.  But, in fact, showing kindness often requires a determined will, a generous spirit, and a loving and giving heart.  More often than not, being kind demonstrates strength.

If you’re like me, there have been many times when you wish you had been kinder. But being kind and compassionate to ourselves is also important. 

And it’s a behavior that enables us to demonstrate compassion towards others.  So, let’s try hard not to beat ourselves up too much about times when we could have been more kind.

Instead, let’s forgive ourselves for when we may have come up short, acknowledge the times we have been kind to one another, and be grateful for times when others have shown true kindness to us. 

Let’s begin to take more notice when we and others are troubled or struggling. 

Let’s agree that we all have a right to feel the things we do, and regardless of what we feel, let’s remember that we are all worthy of kindness, too.

Feeling Loving Kindness and Joy

Let’s make an effort to truly feel joy; not only for our own blessings and achievements, but also for the good fortune of those around us. Let’s be good role models for our kids and help them learn that beyond being ‘good’ it is “cool to be kind”.

So, what does kindness look like in your life?

Please comment and let us know.  And remember, we are all so much more than enough.

Thank you as always for reading.

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